


A Sick Twist Of Fate

by PassiveHippie



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: F/F, Slow Burn, carol has ruined my life, we're all desperate and gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2019-06-26 09:53:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 62,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15660828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PassiveHippie/pseuds/PassiveHippie
Summary: "Fuck unconditional love. Hate keeps me warm at night""You must really love this girl"The full, hidden story behind those sentences.A long, slow burn fic with high school!Carol and later on prison!Carol





	1. Teen Idle

You absolutely hated history lessons. Not only the subject was horribly boring, but the lessons themselves were so dull you could have fallen asleep. The only good thing about history was that the teacher, Mr Wright also didn’t give a single fuck. He just spoke in a monotone voice and wrote slowly, chalk screeching against the blackboard. You were actually pretty sure that some boys in the back of the class were sleeping. Couple of girls were giggling and sending notes and your friend Ruby was applying bright pink lip gloss. You had tried it once, but it had just stuck to your hair and felt like you had a layer of glue on your lips. The only worse thing than history was math, just because you were absolutely terrible at it.

Tormented, you stared at the ancient clock, waiting for it to strike quarter over one. Minutes felt like hours and a huge yawn shook your entire body. But as soon the clock ticked to the precise time, your hand shot up in the air. Ruby glanced at you, disapprovingly. She knew what you were up to, but you didn’t feel like getting upset over her. You’d make up some lie later anyway.

“Mr Wright? Could I go to the bathroom?” You asked, stopping the old teacher’s monologue for a while. Like a very old frog, he turned around and looked at you like he has never even seen you.

“Miss Robotson, yes, very well. Go then”, He said and turned back. Your surname was actually Robinson but what the hell, you had just gotten the ticket to freedom.

Grabbing your light green backpack, you slipped out of the classroom. You could feel Ruby’s skeptical eyes on your back but you closed the door quickly.

The hallway was empty and silent. The air smelled like rubber and old cheese. You walked quickly along the yellow lockers, smiling. You straightened your skirt that fell mid-thigh. You had had to put tights under the skirt,it was only the second week of september but the air was already chilly and crisp.

You rushed past the bathrooms but then you felt a hand grab around your waist. You let out a small scream but it faded quickly when you saw who had pulled you around the corner.

“Jeez dollface, what took you so fucking long?” The longer girl asked half annoyed, half amused by your reaction. You tugged gently at her berry-red beanie.

“I’m right on time Carol, you just skipped the whole class”, You said back and she flashed you a smile.

“Who needs physics anyway when you can have pure chemistry?” She said and you rolled your eyes at the pun, even though a small smile curled up on your lips. The two of you made your way quickly out of the school, before some teacher would show up and demand a hall pass.

The sports field was empty and you and Carol were the only ones sitting at the huge grandstand. The air was blowing coldly and you pressed yourself against Carol, she smelled like cigarette smoke and something sweet, she probably had a jaw-breaker in her pocket anyway. Since last winter, that smell had become your home, a safe space.

Carol was smoking, the grey clouds hid her face from time to time, but you could still make out the big glasses and light brown hair under the beanie. You could only sit like this when there were no one else around. The high school was full of nasty rumours as it was and you didn’t care to add to it, especially when Carol got herself into trouble anyway.

“Your dad still don’t talk to you?” Carol asked, in that cold voice that was directed at many others, but never at you. You sighed and slipped your cold hands into Carol’s rainbow mittens, since she didn’t use them anyway.

“No,it’s been two weeks for fuck’s sake. He scoffs and glares at me, but no more yelling so I guess that’s positive”, You said, smiling dryly.

“Want me to key his car?”, Carol asked and put out her cigarette with the bottom of her boot.

“Please don’t, that would probably only make it worse. I don’t regret it though, that was a great night”, You replied.

The two of you had taken your father’s car and driven to the nearest beach. It had been cold as hell but the sunset had been beautiful and the stars even more beautiful. Of course, you had also smoked a few joints but that was just a small part of it. Your parents though, had not been so thrilled when you returned home in the morning, and with Carol Denning out of all people. Carol had a reputation of being a troublemaker and getting into fights, which to be honest, she often started. She had a fiery temper that seemed to spark at odds times and her moods changed very suddenly. You had learned to live with that, and could usually calm her down. Still sometimes you could see something inexplicable dark in her eyes. Something cold and predator-y. Those moments were rare, thank god. She still said inappropriate things and swore like a sailor, but you actually liked that.

Your parents were what you called strict perfectionists, workaholics and quite traditional. They couldn’t think anyone worse than that twitchy, ill-mannered Denning girl. You were raised to be a future lawyer or doctor, they even made you take violin lessons for eight long years. They had had high hopes for you, but in a few months those hopes had flickered out. They thought it was all Carol’s fault, you thought that your bull-shit meter with your parents had filled up. Carol made you feel alive, and made the smothering feeling around your chest ease up a little. You were sure as hell going to hang on to her and that feeling.

“Y’know that fucking creep Troy, right? He tried to give me his car this morning”, Carol said and you stared at her in amazement.

“What, why?” You laughed. Carol rolled her eyes like it was obvious.

“ Cause’ he owns me a shit ton of money, that’s why”, She stated and kicked the back of the seats in front of you. You glanced at the gloomy girl. Of course you knew that Carol was dealing weed, you just weren’t sure how much. You got sweet discounts, but sometimes you worried she’d get in too deep.

“”How much, exactly?” You asked, a serious tone in your voice. Carol turned to you and her brown eyes flickered behind the glasses.

“There wouldn’t be any use in telling you dollface, would there? You couldn’t even count to ten without your fingers”, She teased and you sneered.

“Yeah? You skip so much class you’re basically a fucking middle schooler” You said back and pulled her beanie down. She hated when you did that and when her face reappeared, it was seriously annoyed. Eyebrows drawn together and red spots on the cheeks.

“You fucked up my hair!” She snarled and pulled you to her, ruffling up your hair with both hands. You screamed at the revenge but the scream was quickly shut down by a hard kiss. Carol’s hands grabbed your hair and she pulled you close. You opened your lips a bit and felt the hot breath on your mouth. She tasted like artificial sugar and smoke. You ran your tongue along her bottom lip and her hand on your hair clenched. You switched from the awkward half turned position and threw your other leg around her waist, climbing on to her lap. Carol’s hands moved over your college shirt and settled on your waist, pressing them hard. You cupped her face and she bit your lip teasingly. You let out a low moan and her lips moved down your neck and suddenly you felt very hot despite the cold weather. The kisses and nibbles were making their way to your shirt collar and you glanced over her shoulder at the shape of the school building.

Someone was walking quickly towards the grandstand. You heart sunk when you made out that the character was Miss Brooks, the school counselor. She was always wound up tighter than a string. Had she seen the kiss? Or did she think it was some other couple, Barbara and her boyfriend were always somewhere licking each other’s faces off.

“Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw”, You breathed and started squirming out of Carol’s lap but she held you tightly.

“What now? Fuck, you smell so good..”, She said in a flustered voice. You slapped Carol’s shoulder and she eased out confused.

“Thanks, it’s strawberry shampoo but we need to go right fucking now. Brooks is coming”, You stuttered and got up, pulling down your skirt and throwing the backpack on your shoulder.

Carol’s face sobered up quickly, she knew that miss Brooks would definitely get you both detention. You didn’t really worry about detention but if she decided she’d seen something more than hugging.. Carol got up and grabbing your hand, you two ran down the grandstand. Your feet almost slipped on the cold plastic and you let out a small yelp. You could hear Miss Brooks calling out something like:

“Come out now, I see you! Miss Denning!” Carol laughed like she always laughed at danger. The two of you got to the bottom of the grandstand and she helped you over the fence. A sharp edge ripped a big hole in your tights, shit. You could see Miss Brooks’ high bun jump from side to side as she did that stupid half-walk, half-run thing.

“Wait, did you steal my mittens?” Carol asked, like that was the most important thing at the moment. You just stuck out your tongue at her and started running towards parking lot.

You and Carol had managed to get away from the counselor by hiding behind the dumpsters. You sat on the cold concrete and let out a relieved laugh. Carol pulled out another cigarette, one of those that smelled like menthol and the smell stuck to clothes like dirt.

“So, what now? We can’t go to my house since the twins are going to be there with the nanny, and she hates your ass”, You said. You had two little brothers and you felt sorry for them because they still had to endure your parent’s bullshit for many years. You just had to make it through high school and then you’d be out of here. Your family was wealthy, but that was about it with the good sides. Carol smirked and got up, pulling you with her.

“There’s nobody at our house, since Barbara will be gone the whole day, probably sucking on her boyfriend. The little devil will be at practise, of course. Like that cunt had some life besides torturing us and dancing around with a stick. So let’s go”, She said and took a long drag out of the cigarette. You loved your brothers, but from what you’d heard, Carol’s intense hate was justified. Of course, you weren’t really a fair judge.

“And do what?” You asked and tilted your head. Carold blew a cloud of menthol smoke on your face and wrapped one hand over your shoulder

“Well about that thing with the chainsaw..I’m not sure about that, dollface, but I do have some other _creative_ ideas”, She murmured against your hair and you felt the warm breath on your neck. Suddenly, you were very eager to go.

“Oh shit, fucking shit, _fuck!_ “

Carol’s head popped up, her face reddened and hair frizzy. Her hands were still grabbing your thighs, that were decorated with red marks. Your skirt was pushed up to your waist and you were pretty sure your tights were so ruined that you could toss them straight to trash. Your back arched once more and then you just laid down, white stars flashing behind your eyes.

“Not that you I don't love you moaning like that, but you need to shut the hell up dollface”, She hissed. You pushed yourself up with your elbows and tried to catch your breath.

“Trust me, none of your neighbours will hear anything over that”, You said and nodded towards the boombox. It was blasting some rock song from Carol’s very illegal tape collection. Carol slipped her eyeglasses back on and threw herself next to you, you knew she was practically blind without the big glasses. She popped one of those red lollipops in her mouth. You looked at her thoughtfully, your thinking process wasn’t very sharp at the moment. She ran a hand through her hair. Carol was often impulsive, almost chaotic but she still liked control. Or even more, being in control. You thought that because she couldn’t always be in control of herself, she liked being in control over her weed business, or even being in control of other people.

“The hell you staring at?” She asked with the lollipop in her mouth, cocking her eyebrow at you. You shook your head, half smiling.

“I don’t know, you”, You said and she rolled her eyes.

“You’re so fucking weird”, Carol muttered but she was smiling. You turned to your side. Something sharp in your bra was stabbing you between the ribs.

“It’s just really unfair, y’know”, You started, but didn’t know how to put your feelings into words.

“World’s fucking unfair, dollface”, She said but you shook your head.

“No, I mean yes. But I meant that Barb can pretty much dry hump his boyfriend in the middle of the hallway, and we are stuck hiding behind the dumpsters. I’m sick of it” You said, more angry than you had intended.

“And you think I’m not?” Carol asked. She ran a hand down your back.

“I’d mark every _inch_ of you, just so everyone knew that you were mine”, She said and a shiver ran down your spine.

“I mean, just imagine it. We could go to prom totally shit-faced and dance to those stupid songs just like everyone else” You continued and laid back down. Carol didn’t say anything, but she wrapped her arm around you.

The music went on and for a little moment you felt at peace. That moment was over quickly when a door slammed loudly. You both jumped up fast and you heard a woman shouting Carol’s name. You scrambled up and pulled on your college shirt. Fast steps were approaching and you heard Carol’s mother, Alice, shout her name. She sounded very angry.

“Fuck, get in there!” Carol hissed and threw your backpack to you. She pointed at the big wardrobe. You stared at Carol to make sure she was serious and she thrusted you towards it. You slithered amongst the clothes and boxes and Carol pulled the doors shut. You could still see something behind them and just seconds after Carol had closed the doors, her mother bursted in with the youngest Denning sister behind her. Debbie looked like she had been crying and you almost felt bad.

“Turn that rubbish off now!” Alice shouted and Carol turned off the boombox. She crossed her arms and glared at the two.

“You were supposed to pick Debbie from the practise over two hours ago! She was scared! I swear to god, Carol, I can’t trust you with anything!” She yelled. Debbie looked like she wasn’t sure who she feared more, her sister or her mother.

“Jeez, I forgot! She has practise every fucking day, can’t she just take the bus or something”, Carol said back. You could sense her getting angry.

“Debbie, darling go change your clothes and don’t forget to stretch”, Alice turned to say to the small girl, who disappeared out of the door. You could swear you saw Debbie glance weirdly at the closet. Alice walked to Carol, making sure she heard everything Alice had to say.

“Why do you always have to be so difficult? Above all else I got a call from the school today!”, You felt the blood leave your face. Carol’s expression didn’t change, but she winced a tiny bit.

“You have barely even went to classes last week, and the counselor is very worried about you”, Alice said and Carol laughed, but she didn’t sound happy.

“Yeah fucking right, _worried_ ”, She said and turned away. Alice walked to the door, but didn’t leave.

“Everyday I think that you couldn’t disappoint me more, but then you pull some shit like this”, She said and you were shocked at how cold she sounded. You couldn’t see Carol’s face, but her shoulders tensed up.

“You gonna tell dad about this?” Carol asked quietly. Alice stayed didn't say anything for a while.

“I don’t know”, She said at last and left, shutting the door behind her. You didn’t dare to move for a moment. Carol turned the music back on and sat on the edge of bed. She pulled out the cigarettes from her pocket and lit up one. Her every movement was tense, and her other hand was clenched in a tight fist.

You finally glided the door open and stood up. Carol didn’t look at you, but you saw the dark look on her face. She took long drags out of the menthol cigarette.

“See you tomorrow, dollface”, She said slowly and you heard the suppressed emotion in her voice. You pulled on your broken tights and shoes, thank god Alice hadn’t noticed them. You wanted to say something, but the words didn’t come out. You just pressed a kiss on Carol’s forehead and walked to the window, pushing it open. It had started to rain a slowly and the streetlights were sickly orange. You threw your bag out the window to the cold ground. Carol had gotten up and just before you jumped out, you saw her raise her hand. When you landed, you heard the loud thump of fist hitting the wall. You got your backpack and looked around, but there was no one on the street. As you started walking, the music in Carol’s room was turned even louder than before. It still wasn’t enough to drown out the frustrated scream.

Your little brothers were in the brightly lit dining room with their nanny, Stacy. You waited for the day when the twins would start calling Stacy ‘Mom’. They barely even saw their parents. _You_ barely saw your parents and they weren't even talking to you. Stacy gave you a long look and you figured that you probably looked like shit. You brushed your wet face with your sleeve and realized that your shirt was on inside out.

“Well good evening, there’s still some lasagna if you’re hungry”, She said. Bless her for not asking questions. You shook your head at her.

“Hey I wanna show you my drawing!” One of the ten-year olds shouted. You forced a smile.

“Maybe later? I’m just gonna hit the shower now”, You said.

On the way to upstairs, you took three big chocolate slabs from the kitchen counter. They were probably for something important, but hey, your parents could always buy some more. You felt the smothering feeling growing back around your chest. It felt cold and heavy and your fingers twitched. You idiot, you should’ve said something.You should’ve comforted her. You didn’t do _anything._ Fucking hell. You ripped open the first slab while walking up the stairs. You were probably going to puke them up later anyway.  



	2. Call Me

You were having a very bad day. You knew the moment you opened your eyes, that you wouldn’t be able to get up to school. Ruby had called last night and she just blabbered away about her favorite subjects: boys, bands and drama. Sometimes you wondered if you actually even liked Ruby, or if you just kept her around because that’s the way it had been since kindergarten. At last, she had asked what you had been doing the whole day and you just didn’t want to answer. At that point of the evening, you had eaten and thrown up a couple of times and your head was a drowsy mess. You could taste the acidic taste in your mouth when you had answered: “Y’know, just hanging around”

“With Carol?” She had asked. Then you had hung up the phone and ignored the ringing from the yellow landline.

“Hey, are you gonna go to school?” You heard a soft voice ask. You opened your eyes just a bit in the soft darkness. Stacy was standing at your door, bright yellow light behind her. She was wearing a green fluffy shirt that somehow made you think about mold.

“What time is it?” You asked, your voice harsh and tongue dry. 

“Around ten, I dropped the twins off to school an hour ago”, She answered. You dug your nails into your arms. The blanket felt disgustingly warm. 

“I’m not going, I’m sick”, You said. It was kind of half-lie, half-truth. The cold, smothering feeling pressed you hard on the mattress and your head was pounding like hell. 

“Oh okay, do you need anything?” Stacy asked. She had free time while the twins were at school and honestly you didn’t want her to fuss around you.

“No, no. I’m just gonna sleep a bit. I think I caught a cold yesterday”, Now you had just switched up to straight up lying. 

“Aw, poor thing. I’m leaving to the town to run some errands, but I’ll come check up on you later!” You forced a smile and realized that your lips were so chapped they tasted like blood.

After you heard the downstairs door close and Stacy’s car leaving the driveway, you got up. Well, you got up very slowly. Cold shivers ran down your arms and legs and you wondered if you actually had caught the cold. Your room was unnecessary big and in hell of a mess. You had candles everywhere. On your nightstand, at your desk, on top of a drawer, on your windowsill. Still moving like a zombie, you lit up every one of them. You had always loved fire, it made you feel calm. Pretty much only time when you actually had paid attention in high school was when you were studying fires and fire safety. There were three things that made the feeling around your chest ease up: fire, Carol and eating, followed up by puking up everything you just had eaten. You loved to stare at the flames, follow the long and smooth movement. You ran your fingers through the flame, enjoying the almost painful sensation. Then, suddenly and almost angrily, your phone rang. The ugly rattling noise beat against your eardrums. You groaned. You could’ve bet your ass it was Ruby again, demanding to know why you weren’t at school. You let the phone ring and walked to downstairs, almost tripping on the dark wooden stairs.

The kitchen was shining clean, Stacy really didn’t get paid enough. Of course you also had a cleaning lady, but Stacy really kept the whole thing running, the act of a normal family. You stared at your reflection on a glass cabinet. You looked like a corpse. Pale, horrible circles around dim eyes, a dark blue hickey on the side of your neck. You stuck your tongue out at your reflection and started going through the cabinets. Jackpot! A big bag of gummy worms and another bag of Reese’s. You grabbed the bags and went back upstairs, your bare legs stomping on the polished floor.

Back in your room, the phone was still ringing. You didn’t really care anymore, the ringing melted into a background noise. Your room smelled like candle wax and it was oddly soothing. You pulled your hair up and walked to your television, pushing in the first vhs that hit your hand. It was some crappy b-class slasher movie, but it was going to do just fine. You continued your small routine: stuff your face, go puke, wash your mouth, watch the movie, stare at the candles, repeat. You didn’t even stop when everything you tasted was just acid. The sky behind your window turned a darker shade of grey.

You had probably fallen asleep at some point, because when you woke up and glanced at the clock, it was 13:30. You had woken up to sounds of distant arguing. It took you awhile to start making out the words. You pushed the pillow aside to hear better. Your movie had ended and the vhs whirred lazily.

“She’s sick, she’s too tired to see you! And she’s not the only one”, You heard Stacy complain in a loud voice. You rubbed your eyes, still feeling drowsy and sick. Your stomach felt like it was in a knot.

“Yeah right, stuck-up bitch”, Someone hissed back and you knew immediately who it was. 

“Carol?” You tried to yell but it wasn’t very convincing. Stacy hated Carol’s guts, much like your parents, who you suspected had affected her judgement. You cleared up your throat and yelled again. This time it was louder and the argument downstairs quieted down. There was some weird noise and then fast, restless steps on the stairs. You knew to expect it but still winced when Carol slammed the door open. She looked half-worried, half-angry and she was still wearing her brown jacket. Her glasses were a little slanted and it looked oddly cute to you. Stacy came in right behind her, arms crossed.

“I’m sorry, she just bursted in and almost broke the door down. I didn’t want to wake you-” She said, clearly annoyed and stood a little apart from Carol, like she smelled bad. You hadn’t thought that Stacy might a bit of a snob. 

“It’s okay, really. Carol is always welcomed”, You said, your voice still coarse. Carol flashed Stacy a victorious smile and she probably would’ve flashed her the middle finger if you hadn’t been there. Stacy obviously wanted to say something, but gave up. She shrugged and closed the door behind her in more force than was needed. 

Carol threw her backpack and coat to the floor and glared at you. You looked at her, confused. She had a light red spot on her jaw and seeing it felt like someone had pinched you hard.

“I called you the whole fucking morning! You didn’t show up to school either. What’s the point of having a fucking phone if you’re not gonna answer it!” She said bitterly. 

“I’m sick”, You answered, but you knew that Carol didn’t believe you, especially  when your voice trembled a little. 

“Like hell you are. Fucking dumbass, have you eaten anything in the last two days?” She asked, sitting on the edge of your bed. You pulled up your covers and pointed at the pile of empty candy bags. 

“Don’t you judge, I’ve seen you eat more in one sitting”, You said in a small voice. 

“Yes, but I can do that. You can’t because you’re small and you don’t actually hold any of it inside you”, Carol said in a matter-of-fact voice. She took a handful of candy from the pile and ate it. Your face probably looked shocked. You didn’t know that Carol knew. She rolled her eyes at you and got up, walking to the bathroom. She came back with a big glass of water and even looking at it, you felt sick. She forced the glass into your hands. You tried to push back a while, but your arms felt like noodles.

“Drink it all, or I swear to God dollface, I will force it down your throat”, She said and something sharp in her voice convinced you. You pouted and held the glass, taking very careful, very small sips.

“Damn, you trying to set the whole house on fire? There are better ways than this, Y’know”, Carol said and blew out one candle that was pretty much just a puddle of wax by now.

“Don’t put them out! Or at least get some new ones from the drawer. And if i wanted to burn this place, it would’ve been long gone by now”, You said, slightly offended. Carol chuckled and lit up her cigarette from one of the candles. The drinking was a bit easier now, so was breathing. You still weren’t sure about walking, though. Carol rummaged through your tapes.

“Dollface, why don’t you have any  _ good _ music?” She whined and you sneered.

“Bite me”, You said back and focused on stopping the room from rocking side to side. Carol sighed and sat next to you, getting her notebook from her backpack. It was probably for school but you doubted she had ever done any homework in it. You knew it was kind of sacred and you never looked in it, because some boy in school had tried and Carol had smacked him in the face with a lunch tray. For a while she just drew something while smoking and you slowly finished the water. 

“Look, that’s you”, She said smiling and pointed at the page with her pen. The character was sitting in a giant bed and had big, messy hair. It had black eyes and stuck out tongue and weird spots on its face.

“Why am I so ugly?” You asked half laughing, but it hurt your throat.

“Because you look like shit, dollface. That’s what binge eating, sleeping and not showering does to you. I’m afraid it’s very serious”, Carol said. She imitated very well the school counselors tone.

“Okay, I need a shower, hint taken”, You said and set the glass on your nightstand. You pushed the blanket aside and started getting up.

“I know that this is your version of getting shitfaced and all, but you really need to stop”, Carol said. You had managed to get to your feet, although they were shaking. 

“Aw, you worried about me?” You asked and would have smiled, but walking took up too much of your energy. Carol took a long drag from her cigarette, but didn’t say anything. Her brown eyes followed you when you grabbed your towel.

“Open the window, Stacy will throw a fit if the house smells like that menthol shit”, You said before going to the bathroom.

Your version of shower was pretty much just sitting under a stream of water, but at least you felt better and your head was surrounded by a cloud of sweet strawberry smell. You brushed your teeth while you were at it and it felt amazing. Your stomach actually groaned and you were pretty sure you could eat with the twins this evening.

Carol smirked when she saw you enter the room wearing only the towel, but almost immediately the phone rang. You kept the towel up with one hand and lifted the phone with other.

“Hello?” You said.

“Oh, Hi! You actually answered!”, The voice in the other side stuttered. You shifted your weight to one foot, balancing the phone against your shoulder. 

“Hi Colin”, You said. Carol rolled her eyes and made a fake gagging noise. You sushed her, but smiled. Colin was another one of your very few good friends. A year younger, enthusiastic and desperately crushing on you. You were sure it was just some puppy love type of thing that was going to pass. He was actually a really good friend. Carol on the other hand, was not so fond of the overly friendly and nervous boy.

“I just wanted to check up on you, y’know since you weren’t at school and Ruby said you were acting strange”, Colin said. Damn you, Ruby. You sighed but kept your voice cheery.

“Oh no, I felt a little sick this morning but I’m good now”, You said. Carol put out her cigarette on one of the plates on your nightstand. She had opened the window and cold air was storming into the room, making goosebumps run down your arms. Carol crawled next to you, half-standing on the bed and listened in on the conversation. You frowned your brows at her.

“That’s, that’s good! Um, I was just wondering if-” Colin sounded nervous and you already knew what was happening, this wasn’t the first time. You hated having to turn him down several times.

“Yes?” You said, trying to keep your tone neutral. Carol’s hand had creeped up your waist and was tugging teasingly at the towel.

“If you’d like to go to the movies sometime? They are showing that new scary film and I thought that maybe you’d like to..” Colin hated horror films, but you loved them, so this was quite the act of bravery.

“Um, Colin that’s really sweet-”, You started, but Carol snatched the phone from your hands. You yelped, but she kept the phone out of your reach.

“Yes Colin, hi this is Carol!” She said in a sharp voice into the phone, smiling widely at you, a mean gleam on her eyes. You heard Colin stutter something but Carol cut him off.

“Your question has been answered; no, she definitely does not want to go anywhere with you. Thank you for your time, toodles!” She said in a fake happy tone and hung up the phone with a bling. You felt your cheeks redden.

“Y’know he’ll probably feel really bad because of you”, You said, trying to put some anger to your voice but it didn’t quite work. Carol sat in front of you and her hand wrapped around your thigh. 

“Oh, he’ll get over it. The little shit will be all up in your skirt again in a few days”, She said. Your rolled your eyes.

“ _ You’re _ all up in my skirt”, You said, a little breathless because her hand was slowly rising up your thigh. 

“Damn right I am, dollface”, She said, smiling. You let go of your towel and it fell to your feet. You bent down to kiss Carol, your hair still dripping water. A small voice in your head reminded you that your door was unlocked and that Stacy was probably creeping around the house, but that small voice got quickly shut down. The kisses were playful at first but started to deepen. You pushed Carol’s glasses onto her forehead and leaned into her. She pulled you eagerly closer and you ran your tongue along her bottom lip. Your head was spinning again but from entirely different reasons.

“I’m cold”, You whispered against her lips.

“Come here, dumbass”, She said, her voice hungry. She pulled you on to the bed. You slipped under the blanket and started unbuttoning her shirt. You felt the heartbeat on the curve of her neck and nibbled the soft skin.

You both jumped at the sudden, high ring. Carol groaned, and you ran a hand through your hair impatiently. She reached and grabbed the phone.

“Hey dipshit I already-Oh hi mrs. Robertson!” Your heart sunk and you climbed on top of Carol, trying to get the phone. 

“Oh no, she’s terribly sick! I’ve been here just to help her um, with”-, You forced her hand down with your knee and you ripped the phone from her. Carol grinned.

“Hi mom!” You said. Why the fuck did you sound so desperate? Your mom  _ never  _ called from work.

“Hi, are you really sick?” Your mother sounded suspicious. You fake coughed twice and tried to keep Carol quiet.

“Yes, I think I caught a cold. Stacy bought me some medicine”, This lying thing was really coming naturally these days, huh? 

“Very well then. Don’t bother Stacy too much, she’s here for your brothers”, Your mother said on the other end of the line. So basically, suffer in silence so you don’t disturb the perfect family. You felt the urge to slam the phone down but something small and scared stopped you. So you bit your lip and didn’t say anything.

“I’m drowning in work but I had to call because I got an emergency work trip coming”, What did this have to do with anything?

“Mmhmm”, You hummed into the phone, getting off of Carol and sat on the edge of the bed. 

“And Stacy has this weekend off, so I need you to watch your brothers”, Your mother continued and you felt somehow..disappointed? Were you really just a work mule? Some compassion would’ve been nice. Or she could’ve at least pretend to be worried, like regular human beings.

“Can’t dad like, watch them?” You asked just because you had to. You didn’t actually mind watching the twins. 

“You know he can’t, he’ll probably be at the office at least on saturday”, Your mom said and this time something really sparked inside you. Goddamnit, the boys were ten, they deserved to spend time with their parents. 

“Sure, I’ll watch them. But what’s the point of even getting kids if you’re only gonna see them twice a year”, You hissed into the phone and slammed it down. Your heart was beating fast and your eyes felt hot, but you fought the tears away. Carol pressed her head on your shoulder and wrapped her hands around you.You leaned back a little.

“Fuck ‘em, right?” She said and you chuckled in a smothered voice. You rubbed your eyes in case of wandering tears. 

“You know what I’m gonna do now?” You said. Carol tilted her head.

“I’m rip that phone from the wall and lock the door. And then we’re gonna fuck and after that I’ll finally teach you how to play bridge”, You said and Carol groaned.

“The first three sounded fucking amazing”, Her teeth scratched your ear and you smiled.

“And no hickeys this time, jerk” You whispered to her and got up to unplug the phone. 

Turned out, Carol loved playing bridge. You two even played against your brothers, which was not the best choice because Carol got really competitive and you were pretty sure your brothers learned at least six new curse words. You felt almost normal again.

“Come to the diner tomorrow evening? I’ve got plans”, Carol said at the porch and you were careful not to stand too close to her. The evening was cold and dark and your breaths blew silvery clouds into the air. When Carol had plans, they were rarely legal. She worked in that diner, Domingo’s and it was always hilarious to see her wearing the waitress get-up. How the hell could a hothead like her keep a work like that? You nodded and tugged at her beanie.

“You can have these back”, You said, handing her the rainbow mittens. Carol shook her head and there was a strange glimmer in her eyes.

“You keep ‘em”, She said and her hand squeezed your tightly. You noticed she had slipped two joints into your hand. Carol flashed you a smile, but it was a different smile than you usually got. It was real and something fluttered in your stomach. You wanted to kiss her but didn’t, of course you didn’t. Instead you stayed still and watched her walk away from the big house. Pretty much at the same time your father’s black car appeared on the driveway. You went back inside, holding the mittens and the joints tightly inside your fist. That fluttering feeling was a new one. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh shit chapter two is here!  
> Watch out because it's about to get real dark soon but for now enjoy this gay shit<3  
> Once again I'm sorry for any typos


	3. Maniac

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Third chapter, yay! I'm so glad that you've liked this so far!!  
> There's violence and some smut so beware

You stared at Ruby’s back and let the teacher’s voice disappear into a background noise. Ruby’s hair was in tight curls and in the middle of the curls was a pink scrunchie like some oversized butterfly. You played with your pen and the popular girls giggled in the corner. Biology was the only lesson you had with Barbara. You had never spoken to the older Denning sister, but she seemed to be very much the opposite of Carol. Popular, calm, and collected Barbara was chewing gum as her friends always looked at her adoringly. It was weird to think that she lived in the same house with Carol and experienced the same things. Maybe she was just a really good actress. She never picked on you either, but you were pretty sure that was Carol’s doing.

You had been popular once. Not the queen bee, but definitely in that group. You had had money and perfect grades and perfect hair, so you were quickly accepted into the gang. That was around two years ago, before you had your “Breakdown”. That so called breakdown included you hitting one of the girls in the face and just giving up on school and pretty much everything else too. You even stopped coming to school for a while. So basically when you weren’t the rich girl who had paid for everyone, you were thrown out. That was probably the best thing that had ever happened to you. You had fallen to the bottom of the food chain and it was surprisingly pleasant down there. Only a small handful of friends had stayed with you through the worst times, and soon after that the Dennings had moved to the city. Barbara had risen to the queen status quickly, while Carol was pretty much forgotten or mentioned only when the kids wanted to know who they could buy weed from. 

You knew that more than anything else, Ruby wanted to be in Barbara’s click. When you were cast out, so was Ruby because she hadn’t yet become a real part of the group. You were pretty sure that somewhere inside, she was still mad at you for that. You didn’t really blame her, but you thought she was kind of pathetic at times. Didn’t she see that most of the girls were completely fake? Most of them used pills and threw up their lunch anyway. They didn’t really even like each other. Ruby was surely more popular than you, but she had a bit of a reputation of dating too many guys. It was unfair, but that’s how high school worked. Ruby looked too desperate with her big hair and pink lipgloss. Barbara on the other hand was just effortlessly perfect, in the most annoying way possible. 

You were pretty proud of yourself for actually dragging your ass to school and even looking decent. It was friday and all the students were restless. You felt something sharp hit the back of your neck and turned around. Some little shit had thrown a paper ball at you. You glared at the boys behind you, but none of them seemed guilty. You picked the ball slowly up, not sure if you should open it. It was probably something childish anyway. You scrunched the paper in your hand for a moment but end up opening it. You wish you hadn’t. You were right, it was childish but it still made you feel like crap. In the wrinkly paper was written in big letters: 'Dyke' and there were many drawings that they probably had thought were hilarious. You rolled your eyes and stuffed the paper in your backpack. You didn’t want Ruby to see it. Of course she knew all the rumours but she had never talked about them with you. You heard some muffled laughing from behind you, but didn’t turn around. Your face went red, but you stayed still and doodled on your notebook. Coming to school didn’t really seem worth it anymore.  
“Miss Robertson?” Your head shot up. Shit, you hadn’t listened at all.  
“Yes?” You said in a confused tone.  
“Do you know the answer?” The teacher asked. She was holding the chalk like it was a cigarette and she looked pretty fed up.  
“To what?” You said and heard the laughing behind you again. Barbara glanced at you like you were something kinda gross that had stuck at the bottom of her shoe.  
“if you actually listened in class maybe you’d know what I’m talking about. And you used to be such a good student too”, Okay, now you were just getting pissed off. The teacher switched her attention to Ruby and she gave her the right answer. You noticed you were squeezing the lighter in your pocket, Jeez better be careful with that. You took a deep breath and focused on getting through the rest of the day.

“You should really try some of this!” Ruby said, waving her blue eyeshadow in front of your nose. You made a face of disgust and continued brushing your hair. The girls’ bathroom smelled like smoke, hairspray and chemicals. The tiles were light yellow they made your skin look like wax. Some girls were smoking in the last stall next to the small window and the pad machine was broken and full of wannabe clever writing.  
“No thanks, I might as well dip my whole face in paint”, You said and Ruby shrugged. You felt kind of antsy, and knew why. You couldn’t possibly concentrate on the last two classes.  
“They recommended this in Cosmo”, Ruby stated, as if that was gonna change your mind. You set the brush down and sat on the edge of the sink.  
“You seen Carol today?” You asked, in a slightly quieter voice. Ruby gave you a stare from the mirror. She was in the middle of brushing on the eyeshadow.  
“Yea, dealing to some freshmen next to the gym”, She said in a judging voice. Ruby was such a hypocrite sometimes. You played with your lighter, flicking it on and off. Probably not safe with all the hairspray in the room.  
“We need to have a sleep over soon, you’ve been spending way too much time with Carol”, Ruby said and you didn’t like the way she said Carol’s name. You remembered the paper from the class and your spine tensed up. Ruby saw your tense face and pouted at you.  
“Please don’t be such a killjoy, I didn’t mean anything”, She said and put down her eyeshadow. You flicked your lighter and slipped it into your pocket. The girls in the corner were talking loudly, loud enough that they couldn’t hear you two.  
“What could’ve you possibly meant?” You said, rising your eyebrows. Ruby sighed like you were a toddler acting up.  
“Y’know what I meant”, She said, rummaging through her makeup. She was obviously uncomfortable, but you really didn’t feel like being nice.  
“No, I really don’t” You hissed. Ruby picked up a lipstick, staring at you with narrowed eyes. You didn’t back down.  
“Well, y’know, things I’ve heard about you sometimes”, She said, way more nervous now. You nodded and your fingers tapped on the white sink.  
“Please tell me more”, You said.  
“It’s stupid, really. Just some rumours, about y’know...how you don’t ever go out with any of the boys, but always hang around Carol”, Well that was one way to put it.  
“And you believe them?” You asked, your voice higher than normally. Ruby bit her lip, the lipstick still in her hand.  
“We’ve been friends since kindergarten y’know! And I don’t know, I mean it kind of makes sense, but I bet I could find you the right guy-HEY”, You snatched the lipstick from Ruby and smudged it all over the mirror with so much force it broke in two. Your hands were covered in an ugly reddish colour and Ruby let out a way too loud scream. The girls in the corner turned to stare at you and you threw the lipstick in the trash.  
“Fucking bitch!” Ruby cried. You gave her the middle finger, before grabbing your backpack and storming out of the bathroom. Well, now you could count your friends with only one hand.

You still felt a bit annoyed when you walked into Domingo’s that night. It was half empty by now, it was so near the closing time that most of the customers had cleared off. There a few groups at the tables and a couple more at the bar. You had washed your hands many times, but they still were a bit red. You had actually put some makeup and scanned the diner. There were a few familiar faces. The dark-skinned waitress whose name you couldn’t come up with, brushed past you with hands full of cups. Barbara was working at the bar, you definitely were not going there. You went to sit in a small table in Carol’s section. You opened your coat and took off the rainbow mittens, placing them on the slightly sticky table. Soon enough, Carol walked to you with a tray in her hands. You had to grin brightly, it was still strange to see her wearing the green shirt and apron. For your surprise, she didn’t roll her eyes at you but smiled back. Your bad mood was instantly forgotten and the new feeling in your stomach fluttered.  
“What can I get you, miss?” She asked in her obvious customer-service voice and straightened her glasses. Trying to be professional, you thought. Carol had put her hair up in a ponytail and it was such a unusual look on her. You knew that outside of work she would never wear it like that.  
“Well, you can tell me the time you get off work” You said in a slightly too flirty tone for a normal conversation. Carol wrote something in her little notebook and nodded.  
“Cherry coke, got it”, That was your favourite and she knew it. She ripped the paper off and slid it to you, before walking away. The paper read: “Be off in fifteen” and she’d drawn a little bottle next to it. You leaned back in the chair and tried to keep your good mood going. Carol returned with the drink and set it on the table.  
“It’s on the house”, She said. Wow, now you just had to test her. So you glanced sideways so that no one was looking and leaned closer, looking up at her through your lashes.  
“You this nice to all your customers or just the ones who you fuck?” You asked in a low voice. There was a flush of red on Carol’s face and she looked almost annoyed, dark eyes staring at you. She was sure as hell going to get back at you for that. You flashed her a smug smile and Carol kicked you leg under the table before turning around. You took a sip of your cherry cola.

You waited outside of the dark diner for Carol and the other waitresses to close up. Your hands were deep in your pockets and you wish you’d brought some earmuffs with you. There were occasional teenagers walking the streets and some horrible beat was coming from a nearby car. Finally the girls came out of the diner in their regular clothes and Barbara locked the door. She said something to Carol, to which Carol answered with a snarl but you couldn’t make out the words. You checked your watch, it was half eleven. You still had plenty of time before someone would be asking after you, if they even noticed you were gone. Barbara and the other waitresses went the other way and Carol walked up to you. She was carrying a heavy looking bag.  
“Hey dollface. May I present to you, tonight's plans!” She said in a proud voice, lifting the bag. You looked inside it.  
“Jeez Carol, you stole those?” You asked, which was probably not the reaction she’d been looking for because Carol’s brows frowned instantly. You picked up one of the bottles. Beer, cherry liqueur…  
“Just took a few from the back. The owner is a total drunk, he never notices! All of the girls do it”, Carol said, not sounding one bit guilty or worried. You put the bottle back and glanced at her.  
“Well if you’re sure”, You said.  
“Of course I’m fucking sure, cheer up, let’s get a smile on that sad little face”, She said as you two started walking. Carol grinned and she grabbed your arm.  
“Oh I know, I got a good story for you! It happened just today earlier in the evening”, She sounded very excited and you smiled.  
“Go ahead then”, You said and Carol popped a red lollipop in her mouth.  
“So it’s friday night and the diner was packed, like seriously full. And in the middle of that fucking chaos this one guy at one of my tables asks me for the classifieds. And I’m like: ‘Now?’ But I don’t wanna mess with my tips, so I go out to the parking lot, buy the paper and bring it to him. And you know what this guy says to me? He’s like: ‘Miss, why are you bringing me the classifieds? I asked for a glass of ice”, You had to stop because Carol was laughing so hard. You laughed too, but not because you thought the story was super funny, just because you loved hearing her laugh.  
“And it was cold as fuck outside, I almost froze my fucking tits off”, She was still chuckling and you snorted.  
“See? That’s the right look”, Carol said and ruffled your hair. You rolled your eyes at her but smiled gently. 

The two of you took a shortcut through the park. There was a small lake and some benches, but mostly it had just went to shit. A car was parked next to the lake and you poked Carol with your elbow, pointing at the misty windows. The car was rocking from side to side and you just had to giggle.  
“Dirty car sex, classy”, Carol .  
“I mean, we’ve done it”, You reminded her, lifting your eyebrows.  
“I didn’t say that there’s something wrong with it”, Carol declared suggestively. You still felt like a creep staring at the car so you walked past it quickly.  
“Put some of the bottles in my backpack, it’ll look less suspicious”, you pointed out and Carol opened your backpack, stacking the bottles in there. There was a sound of paper rustling and Carol held the paper in front of you. It was the note from biology class, shit.  
“What the hell is this?” Carol asked in a heated voice. Bye, bye happy Carol.  
“Just some childish shit from the boys in my class, don’t worry about it”, You sighed. Carol ripped the paper and threw it in the ground.  
“Fucking shitheads”, She muttered and you pretty much saw her angry mood grow. You took her hand, there wasn’t no one around.  
“Yeah, today was pretty shitty. I also fought with Ruby and destroyed one of her precious lipsticks, so I guess we’re not seeing her anymore either”, You tried to say jokingly, but it didn’t quite work out.  
“Well she was a bitch anyway”, Carol sneered and held your hand a bit too tightly. You let out a dry chuckle.

“It’s just kinda funny how fast I can get rid of people. I mean at this rate, it’ll be just you and me in a couple of months”, You said. Carol didn’t seem to mind this thought, she actually smiled a little, but that smile made you feel cold. She spit the lollipop stick onto the sidewalk.  
“Oh no way, that little puppy Colin will follow you around forever. You give him one look and he’ll instantly run to you with a hard-on”, Carol stated and you cringed. She was still in an odd mood, you could feel the aggression radiate from her.  
“Eww, I don’t need to hear about Colin’s hard-on”, You said but Carol smiled and stuck out her tongue at you.  
“But it’s true! He’d do anything to get in your pants. I bet he whines and shivers, touching himself and thinking about you-” You drew your hand out of Carol’s and tried to punch her in the arm but she dodged easily. You glared at her and she laughed, pulling out a cigarette. You took your lighter and lit it up for her.  
“No more talking about Colin! I sure as hell don’t want anyone thinking about me while jerking off”, You said in a strict voice. Carol blew a grey menthol-cloud in the air and wrapped one hand around your shoulder, leaning in.  
“You sure about that, dollface?” She asked with a voice that made your knees a little weak. She took a drag from her cigarette and her mouth wandered close to your ear.  
“Because I have sure as hell thought of you” She said. You felt a shiver run down your spine and it was definitely not from the cold.  
“About how you whimper, and how your back arches and how wet-” She didn’t get to finish her sentence because you turned around and slammed your lips against hers.  
“Shut up”, You muttered to her and you felt her laugh. Her lips parted and she threw away her cigarette, kissing you back rough. Kissing was a bit difficult because you had your backpack and you were both wearing coats and her glasses smudged but you quickly forgot about all of that. Carol never kissed softly. Her hands were in your hair and she still tasted like artificial sugar. She pulled you closer by your hair. You were to first one to separate for air and she licked her bottom lip. At the same time, the screeching of tires, loud music and a harsh scream brought you back to reality. 

“Faggots!”, The scream hit your ears. The first thing that you thought, was: Very bad timing. You weren’t sure what happened. One moment Carol was pressed against you, the next you felt cold and there was loud sound of glass shattering. You blinked, two times. Carol had thrown a bottle at the car, and it had hit one of the rear lights. She was panting lightly and although you didn’t see her face, you could tell she was very angry. The car turned around wobbly, and stopped. You stood frozen in place, still confused.  
A very drunk guy climbed out of the car and the fast, synthetic beat went on from the car stereo. You knew the song, but the name escaped your blurry mind.  
“What the fuck, you bitch!” The man blurted out, marching to Carol. Your heart sunk and you took a few steps towards them. You saw Carol pulling some blunt object from her pocket, it looked oddly like a rock. Oh fucking hell. You could smell the sugary smell of liqueur. The double-denim wearing guy stammered to Carol, he started to yell something but then- a sick thud. Carol punched him straight in the face with the object. The guy fell hard, probably half from the hit and half from the alcohol. And Carol hit him. And hit him, again, and again. And you didn’t stop her. The wet, thumping noises went on and on and soon the man stopped making any sounds. You didn't move. Because standing there, watching, it made you feel powerful. You noticed that you were holding your lighter again. But when the man’s face was pretty much a red, swollen mess and there was blood on the sidewalk, you forced yourself to move. You ran to Carol and grabbed her hands.  
“Stop, stop! Look, he’s already out of it”, You said sharply. Carol’s eyes wandered for a second before they focused on you, and they had a half-crazed look. The fiery, dark look that you had seen only twice before. Slowly, she let her hands relax and she stuffed the object back into her pocket. You still weren’t sure what it was. Her cheeks were red and she spat on the man’s face.  
“Mullet-wearing dickhead”, She muttered and you pulled her up by the shoulders. Her knuckles were bloody and it felt like there was a lump in your throat.  
“Holy shit”, You whispered. Carol straightened her glasses.  
“Don’t worry dollface, there’s no way in hell he’d ever tell anyone that he got beat up by a girl”, She said in a mocking voice. You tried to steady your breathing. How the hell could Carol be so careless, she didn’t seem worried at all. There was almost a happy glimmer in her eyes.  
“Besides, he was so shitfaced I doubt he even remembers anything in the morning”, She added and took another bottle out of her bag. You couldn’t help but stare at her. You picked up your backpack and glanced over your shoulder at the young man.  
“Jesus fucking christ, don’t be such a fucking pussy dollface. Here”, She offered the bottle to you and you took a big swig of the cheap beer.  
“Yeah, you’re right”, You said, holding the bottle tightly. You wanted to get away from the unconscious man, fast.

Your room was again lit with tens of candles and the floor was filled with empty bottles. You had managed to sneak in without anyone noticing, even though Carol had knocked over one of you mothers vases. You were laying on your bed, staring at the little stars on your ceiling that were supposed to glow in the dark. You were wearing only your briefs. You were pleasantly drunk and had forgotten the earlier events. Carol was drawing something on her notebook again with a jawbreaker in her mouth so you knew not to disturb her. She had been doing that more lately, and you weren’t sure if it was a good thing. Sometimes you forgot how unhinged Carol could be. It was even scarier to think that you really didn’t care one bit, you weren’t going anywhere. You raised your hand like you could touch the little plastic stars. The alcohol in your brain made you feel warm and made the stars swing from side to side. You hummed the song “Starman” to yourself and smiled like an idiot. Then you heard the notebook closing and you tilted your head to your side. Carol had stolen one of your shirts, the one with green and black stripes. She didn’t look very drunk, even though you had seen her drink all those beers. She threw the notebook to the floor and turned onto her back.  
“I wish I could make this whole fucking town disappear”, She said in a frustrated voice. You raised your eyebrows.  
“And all the people?” You asked. You took her other hand and turned it around, investigating the broken knuckles.  
“Especially all the people. It’s fucking torture to wait tables, smile at them and hear them complain about how the fucking apple pie is too dry. And all the little shitheads at school”, She said.  
“If we wanted to blow up the town, we’d have to be far away from it at first”, You stated, letting her hand drop. She didn’t move it away.  
“You’re the expert with fire” Carol said in kind of a jealous voice and you smiled.  
“Yeah, we’d have to be super far away, like...in space”, You gasped at your own brilliance and Carol laughed.  
“You’re really fucking drunk, dollface”, She replied. You turned to your stomach and took one of the comic books you had read earlier. You opened it to the page where the main characters were in a big, red rocket in the middle of space. You pointed at the picture.  
“Like that, we’d sit in a rocket and look how the whole fucking city just blows up. And then we could fly away to, well, I don’t really know the planets. But at least we could have crazy rocket sex, without gravity”, You said in enthusiastic voice. Your speaking was probably more blurred than you thought.  
“That’s a great plan, dollface” Carol said sarcastically. You stuck out your tongue at her.  
“You said I was the expert!” You said and wrapped your hands around her neck, climbing close to her.  
“Yeah? Y’know what I’m the expert of?” She asked and her hand slid under your briefs. You let out a small noise and you other leg locked around her thigh. She smiled and it was almost annoying that she knew just how to touch you. One of her fingers slid inside you and you closed your eyes, melting into the movement. You rocked slowly against her and Carol whispered some filth into your ear but your brain didn’t really even process it anymore. Your fingernails dug into her shoulders. Carol covered your mouth with her other hand.  
“You really can’t shut up, can you?”, She sushed you. You tried to glare at her, but her fingers had started moving faster and it kind of took the edge off of your stare. She was fast and it wasn’t long until you were glad she had a hand over your mouth. You came with one leg still around her and with weak whimpers. You could feel your mouth almost forming the words, the words that were tied to the fluttering feeling in your stomach that could very fast ruin everything. You caught yourself on time and stayed quiet, still panting a little. Carol kissed the line of your jaw, sliding off of you. You weren’t sure why she never wanted you to do her. Maybe it was about control, like many other things in her life. But almost every time if you tried something, she’d grab your wrists and pin them above your head. She had to be in control.  
“You’re so fucking easy, dollface”, Carol said, but you didn’t have the energy to answer anything clever. You had almost said it, the thing, and it kind of scared the shit out of you. You got up with weak legs and blew out the candles one by one. Carol opened your window and sat on the edge, smoking with her bruised hands. Even after all the candles were out, you could see her lines in the darkness. You could feel the alcohol slowly wearing off and you wanted to be asleep when it did. The plastic stars above your big bed were glowing.  
“You’ll stay, right?” You asked carefully. You didn’t believe that Carol would actually try to stumble home drunk in the middle of the night. It was so much easier to say that she had slept over here and that also sounded less suspicious. But at that state of mind, with that dark look on her face and the fight earlier this evening, you could never know.  
“I don’t have a rocketship, dollface. I’m not going anywhere ”, She said, taking a long drag from the cigarette. 

When you were half asleep, it occured to you that even though you were just joking, some part of Carol wasn’t.


	4. Play with fire

Every time Carol got into a fight, she came bragging about it to you later. You were pretty sure she just seeked some kind of validation or she secretly liked it when you worried about her. So when she didn’t want to talk about some bruise or a black eye, you knew it wasn’t from a fight. It was from home. And that made you mad, angrier than you could’ve ever imagine.

“It’s not your fucking problem”, She’d hiss at you when you tried to touch her cut lip and that made the fire inside of you grow bigger. You weren’t sure how long you’d be able to control it.

For a few weeks Colin had asked, and asked, and asked again, so finally you said yes. You promised to go to the movies with him, and of course Carol invited herself too. It was definitely not what Colin had had in mind, but here you were, standing with Carol in the lobby while Colin got popcorn. It was wednesday night and the lobby was filled with mostly teenagers. The new horror film was called Sleepaway camp and everyone said it was very bloody and scary. The theatre wasn’t technically allowed to sell tickets to underaged teens but you made up about eighty percent of their customers, so they bent the rules a little. Thank god you didn’t see Ruby there. You hadn’t talked to her in weeks and honestly, it didn’t bother you as much as it should. She had many friends so she just stopped talking to you, or even looking at you. You could see her friends give you the stink-eye, but that was nothing new. You played with the hem of your denim skirt. There were halloween decorations everywhere, but you didn’t mind. You loved halloween. Carol was already eating her candy and she looked positively irritated. She loathed everyone of the teenagers and she had a fresh bruise on her cheek, that made the warning bells in your brain go off. She hadn’t talked about it and seemed to be in a bad mood overall. You leaned against the wall. Couple of scrawny freshmen made their way to you two.

“Hey Denning, you got any-”, Carol glared at them over her glasses. Her jaw was stuck out a bit, like always when she was angry. 

“Try again during business hours, shitface”, She cut the boy off and stuffed a handful of candy in her mouth. The boys left pretty fast, so to say.

“So business is booming, huh” You said a bit sarcastically. Carol made some noise and kicked the wall with her boot. Seemed like she wasn’t in a very talkative mood. The bruises in her face made you still feel uneasy. 

“Hey, I got the popcorn! Put in some cheese flavor, isn’t that your favorite?” Colin popped up from the crowd with a big popcorn bowl. You smiled at him. You felt kind of bad for Colin, he wasn’t doing anything wrong. It was just that, well, you were playing for the other team. You had told many times that you weren’t into him romantically, but the boy was relentless. He never did anything that made you uncomfortable, though. 

“Yeah, great!” You answered to him. Colin was trying his best to ignore Carol, and Carol tried her best to piss Colin off, so this was going to be fun. You took the tickets from your pocket and tried to think positively. When the movie started, you could just ignore both of them. 

The ignoring thing was not going so well. You were crammed onto the middle seat, with Carol to your left and Colin to your right. Everyone was eating their snacks and some couple was making out behind you. You didn’t really get how they could suck each other’s faces when people were being killed on the screen but hey, you didn’t judge. The movie was pretty good at least, slashers had always been your favourite. Carol seemed pretty bored, but you two laughed at some scenes that you probably should not laugh at. Colin on the other hand had gone a bit grey on his face and was biting his lip hard. Poor boy. You rolled your shoulders and tried to focus on the flashing lights on the screen. Maybe the situation would become a little less awkward if you just let it be. It didn’t.

Because you were holding the popcorn between your knees, you thought that Colin was reaching for that, but then he grabbed your hand. Fucking hell. You didn’t dare to move one bit. His hand was cold and a bit sweaty. Carol hadn’t noticed yet. Could you just remove your hand, pretending to take some candy? So now you were sitting in between of your girlfriend with anger issues and your friend, who thought your girlfriend with anger issues was just your friend and he tried to actively get some movie theatre- makeout session going on. You swallowed. On the screen some girl was being stabbed to death in the shower and honestly, even that seemed like a better option than sitting still one moment longer. You saw from the corner of your eye that Carol had tilted her head towards you, but you didn’t have the balls to look at her. This was going to be a shitshow. But she stayed quiet, which was definetly a bad sign. Then you felt another hand, but that hand was Carol’s and it was on your knee. Your body responded immediately, which was almost embarrassing. Your fingers twitched, but you didn’t turn your head. You just tried your best to ignore them both and enjoy the bloody mess of the killer. Colin squeezed your hand, he had probably thought that you were scared. Carol’s hand was creeping up your leg, and you squeezed the popcorn bowl between your knees. Your throat felt dry and your legs tensed up. Colin leaned towards you and at the same time Carol’s hand was up your inner thigh. What the hell was he doing?  You wondered if Carol still had that rock in her pocket. Colin leaned closer while Carol’s hand reached up and up and  _ shit _ ...You pressed your legs together so hard that the popcorn bowl flew up. Half of the greasy, salty mess flew to the row in front of you and they sounded pretty pissed off. Carol leaned back with a smug face and Colin had let go of your hand, picking up the almost empty popcorn bowl. Your face was burning red as you hissed to the people in front of you:

“Sorry, sorry!” You sat back. You crossed your arms,  _ and _ your legs. There, safe from all hands. 

“Got a bit scared there?” Colin whispered to you. Scared, yeah fucking right. Your cheeks still felt red and you just nodded and made some sound of agreement. The rest of the movie passed slowly and you didn’t change your position even though your arms fell asleep. 

“Sooo, did you like it? Wasn’t it scary?” Colin tried to make some kind of conversation as you stood up from your seats. You stretched your arms.

“Well, it wasn’t half bad, but reminded me too much of Friday the 13th”, You said and grabbed your bag. You felt itchy all over and just wanted to get out quickly. Everyone was chattering and talking about how scary the movie had been. You threw the empty popcorn bowl in the trash, still feeling the embarrassment. 

“I’ll hit the bathroom and then we can go”, You said to Carol and Colin. Probably not the best idea to leave them alone but you really had to go pee. 

You stared at yourself in the dirty bathroom mirror. If you from three years ago had seen you now, she probably would’ve been kind of intimidated or just thought that you looked trashy as hell. Your whole life had turned upside down so fast. You still had one joint in your bag and considered for a fleeting moment lighting it, or going back into the stall and sticking fingers down your throat.  It would’ve probably made the rest of the evening easier for you. Instead, you sighed and washed your hands. You straightened your skirt and left the bathroom. Colin and Carol were standing in the almost empty hallway and you could feel the angry tension. Had they been fighting or something? Colin looked a bit terrified, but he was standing bravely. When you walked to them, Carol turned to you, smirking. Strangely for a while you were sure that she was going to kiss you. Instead, she wiggled the car keys in her hand and said:

“Ready to go, dollface?” You nodded.

“We can give you a ride, Colin!” You said to the boy. But he was clenching his fists and shook his head.

“No thanks, I’ll just..See you at school” He muttered and stomerd past you. You looked shocked at Carol, but she just smiled innocently and started walking.

“Okay, what the fuck did you say to Colin?” You asked sharply while stepping into the car. It was her mother’s car, but Alice was a smoker too, so Carol lit up her menthol cigarette without a worry. She turned the key and as the car started, the stereo started playing rock’n roll very loudly.

“Hey, don’t ignore me”, You said again. You had barely even tightened your seatbelt when Carol pressed the gas and the car left the parking lot with a screech. Carol was a reckless driver and you had felt a near-death experience or two being in the car with her. You called her name again over the stereo.

“What? I can’t hear you” She yelled over the guitar solo and blew smoke out of the window. You lost your temper and slammed the stereo off. She didn’t snap at you, but you could feel it coming.

“Well now you hear me. What did you say to Colin?” You said, crossing your arms. Carol stared at the road but flashed a cold smile.

“Aw, you worried that your puppy got scared? That he won’t follow you around anymore?” She said with a mocking voice. Oh so this is how it was going to be. You rolled your eyes.

“Not what I meant”, You said. The menthol smoke was filling up your nose. 

“Yeah? Well don’t worry. I told him that you only like big guys with mustaches so he can take his twink ass home” Carol spat and the car started going faster. You blurted out a shocked laugh.

“What!? I swear to god you are so immature sometimes”, You rubbed your head with your hand. 

“Boohoo, you think that I like how you just keep a fucking back-up boyfriend with you? So when you get bored or want to be a good fucking girl again and make your parents happy, you can just toss me to the side and take that shithead home?” Your stomach turned, the car was going dangerously fast now. 

“What the fuck, no-” You started but Carol wasn’t going to let you get a word in. She tossed her cigarette out of the window and her whole face was tense.

“Having your little rebel phase, acting tough and playing with people around you. You think that this is something you can just end like that? That one day you realize that ‘Hey, actually I want a white house and a husband and two dogs’ and honestly-Shit!” The car’s lights hit moving objects in front of you and you grabbed the wheel, twisting it violently  to the side. Carol let out yelp and the car turned two full turns before stopping. The two girls that you had almost hit ran fast over the street, with shocked faces. They looked okay, thank god. You were shaking all over and couldn’t move. You had actually almost hit someone. If you hadn’t moved the wheel… Carol was cursing loudly and she hit the wheel with her fist. You tried to get your body to move but all you managed to do was bite your teeth together. Those two girls, they had looked just a few years younger than you. 

“You okay, dollface? Are you hurt?” Carol asked, but you couldn’t answer. She unplugged your seatbelt and put her hands to your face. You were forced to look at her and you could only see worry in her face, not any venomous anger. 

“Hey, dumbass”, She said but her voice was so worried that you had to smile. You lifted your hands on top of hers and shook your head, finally getting back in control of your movements.

“I’m okay, I just-” You spluttered and Carol kissed you, wrapping her hands around you tightly. It almost knocked the air out of your lungs but you didn’t want her to let go. That was probably the closest you’d get to an apology, but you accepted it.

“We almost..” You whispered into her shoulder. You drew a long, shaky breath. Carol’s coat smelled like smoke and sugar and her and you just wanted to stay there forever. 

“But we didn’t” She said, but didn’t sound very worried. She was checking up on you, sure, but those girls seemed indifferent to her. Your hands wouldn’t stop shaking.

“You’re right, well not about everything but about this. I need to tell Colin that he needs to seriously chill”, You said, pressing your head against the car’s cold window. Carol was driving perfectly accordingly to the speed limits, but you were sure it was just to calm you, she seemed normal already.

“And..just so you know, I’m not doing some kind of experiment and I don’t plan on fucking any guys, like never” You continued, glancing at Carol. 

“I know. Sometimes I just get so fucking angry because I see how he looks at you and it makes me want to hit his teeth so far up his throat that they’ll come out of his asshole ”, Carol said. Well that was graphic, you thought. The car arrived to your house. Soft light was gleaming from the windows and you saw from the cars on the driveway that both of you parents were actually home for once. That reminded you of Carol’s parents and you turned to her.

“You’re not going to tell me what happened, are you?” You said, and immediately her face darkened. Maybe you shouldn’t have said that. 

“Not your problem, dollface”, She said and there was a sharp edge in her voice that was a very clear signal to leave the subject. You sighed and unplugged your seatbelt. The evening had been such a mess that you had already forgotten half from the movie’s plot. And now you’d need to talk with your parents and then call Colin, just fucking lovely. 

“Of course it’s my problem! Y’know that I-” You started, but didn’t finish the sentence. Carol glanced at you, a sceptical look in her eyes but she didn’t say anything. Your throat felt dry and suddenly you wanted to get out of the car. You grabbed your bag and leaned to kiss her. She kissed you back surprisingly eager, almost in a desperate way. If you had been worried before, now you were even more. Still, you had to slide off of her and open the car door. Your parents and Stacy would all stand staring in the living room window if you didn’t get your ass inside soon.

“See ya, dollface” Carol said and you waved your hand. She drove off as soon the door closed and you bit your lip. You turned to face the big house, that looked like luxury apartment to others and like a prison to you. 

You glanced at the clock when you stepped inside. Half past ten. You had told Stacy that you’d be home by ten, so this wasn’t too bad. You could just make up some lie that didn’t sound as bad as ‘Hey, we almost ran over two girls’

You took off your violet jacket and tried to sneak past the living room.

“Isn’t this a school night?” You heard your mother’s voice ask, crap. You sighed and walked to the living room, where your parents were sitting. Your father was watching tv with a glass of scotch and your mother had some romance novel in her hands. They looked stressed, distant, not even facing each other. 

You shifted your balance from one foot to another.

“Yeah, I’m heading to bed now”, You said, trying to keep your voice as calm as possible. You fought so much with your parents, it was best to not poke the bear. Also, you were just tired and over this whole day. Your mom closed her book. This probably meant that you wouldn’t get to go to ped in a while.

“Was the movie good? Who you went with?” Oh jeez, was she seriously trying to play the whole ‘I’m a good mother’ thing? You resisted the urge to roll your eyes.

“It was okay, I guess. Colin didn’t really like it, though”, You left Carol’s name out on purpose. It wasn’t lying if you just didn’t say anything.

“Oh Colin? He’s a nice boy” Your mom said a bit too enthusiastically. Maybe her therapist had recommended her to actually talk to her kids, or some shit.

“You haven’t even met him”, You answered in a bit too snarky voice. 

“I know his parents. Good, hard-working people!” Your dad joined in, but he didn’t switch his gaze from the tv. Your mother ignored him.

“Did he give you a ride home?” She asked

“No, Carol did”, You weren’t sure why you just had to say it. Maybe it was to test your mom, see how long she could act all laid-back and motherly. Her brows drew together immediately. 

“How’s Ruby? When have you seen her?”  She asked in a calm, cold voice. Of course she would bring up Ruby. You pressed your fingernails onto your arms. 

“At school, mom. I’m going to bed now”, You said and turned around fast. Why was your heart beating so fast? That was probably the longest conversation that you had had with your parents in weeks, and that was honestly fucked up. 

You dragged yourself up the stairs and tiptoed past the twins’ room. Only when you had locked your door and changed clothes, you allowed yourself to cry. It wasn’t a sad cry, more like an exhausted one. But you still had to call Colin, so you wiped your face and got up. You climbed onto your big bed and picked up the yellow landline. You dialed the number and flicked your lighter on and off, waiting for Colin to pick up. After five long beeping sounds, he answered. There was a silence.

“Um, hi Colin”, You said, sounding tired even to yourself. The flame in your lighter went on and off, on and off. 

“Yeah, hi”, You heard Colin say. He didn’t sound like his usual, happy self and you started wondering if Carol had lied to you earlier. What had they even been talking about? You cleared your throat and lifted one leg under your butt. This wasn’t going to be pleasant.

“Colin, I want to be clear with you. You are one of the few close friends I have left and that’s the way I want to keep it. I don’t want anything more, and I hope that you respect my decision”, That sounded so official and cold, you really weren’t good at this. You sounded almost like your father, yuck. Colin was silent for a moment, but you heard him breathing.

“Yeah, I get that. I guess Ruby was right”, You flicked the lighter on with force and the flame glowed warm against your hand. You couldn’t believe this. 

“So you on Ruby’s side now?” You asked him bitterly. You heard Colin sigh.

“No, I mean, I still want to be your friend. It’s just.. I don’t think you realize how much you’ve changed”, He said slowly. 

“Believe me, I do”, You said, smiling dryly. You had changed, all right. And not for the best, not at least according to your parents.

“No, you don’t. You totally let Carol treat you like shit! She manipulates you all the time and you don’t even see it”, That was probably the first time you had heard Colin swear. You had to let go of the lighter, your finger was burning red. 

“Yeah right, bye Colin”, You hissed and started putting the phone down.

“Wait, wait! I’m sorry!” He said and you put the phone back to your ear. 

“I don’t get you, Colin! First you try to kiss me out of nowhere, then you proceed to drag me and talk shit”, You said. You weren’t  _ really _ angry, but you were a bit scared of what he might say. 

“I really, like really like you. And it makes me sad to see you throw your whole life away. I mean think about it, how many times have you dropped all your other plans for Carol? How many times have you done stuff that she wanted to do?” Colin said with a tense voice. You felt a little sick, like the ‘I want to throw up and eat a shit ton of chips’ -sick.

“No, no. You can’t understand it, Colin. All the time, like every day I have this cold feeling around my chest. Somedays I can’t even breathe, I can’t get out of bed. And she makes it go away. She takes care of me”, You whispered. What the hell, you didn’t have to prove anything to Colin. 

“She makes you feel better for a little while, but that’s not a long-term solution. If you even tried you’d see that there were real, healthier ways. I know you, you’re not like this. Carol is seriously a bad person, and she’s going to drag you down with her”, You just couldn’t listen to it any longer. Your face felt like it was made of plastic. 

“Colin, I can’t do this right now. I’m sorry. See you at school”, You said in a monotone voice and hung up the phone. The fucked up thing was, your first instinct was to call Carol. You didn’t, but instead you reached for your bag and took out the joint. It was either this, or the worse option. You lit the joint and pushed a window open. It was cold as hell, but that didn’t matter. You laid on your back on the bed and took long drags, just praying for the moment when all your limbs would go numb. You stared at the stars in your ceiling. Carol had drawn a red spaceship next to them. Way too much had happened today and you felt like someone had poked your brains with a fork. You didn’t want to think about what Colin had said. You didn’t want to think about Carol’s bruises or the lost look in her eyes. You didn’t want to think about the speeding car and the horror in the girls’ eyes. But you couldn’t help it. You let the weed melt your world into a fuzzy, swirling mess, where red rocket ships flew past movie theatres and laid in the ground with two dead girls, who both had your face.

You didn’t mean to do it. You didn’t, seriously. You had no idea that this would happen, you hadn’t planned it. It just happened. You stood behind the dumpster and you stared at the burning car, and you felt so good. You were confused, your head was spinning, but it still felt good. You felt powerful, in control, still holding the lighter. Only when people started running to the parking lot, you turned around and walked away, inhaling the smoke and gasoline like it was the sweetest smell in the world.

You remembered walking home from the store, and passing by Carol’s dad workplace. Her father, Ronnie, was a realtor and he worked at a small shitty company. The parking lot had been almost empty, only three cars. You remembered staring at his car and getting angry. Maybe you still were a bit mad from yesterday, but today Carol had still been distant and irritated and the bruise on her cheek had turned to ugly yellow-ish colour. Colin acted like nothing had happened and you were pretty sure that Ruby had spitted gum inside your shoes. You stood still for a while, holding the lighter. And then you just blacked out. It was like you had left your body and someone else was in control. You looked from aside when your body walked to the car and picked up a rock from the side of the road. Someone else in your body had smashed the front window and both windows from the side. You had used your scarf to quiet down the blow. You remembered taking the hairspray from your backpack and spraying the whole bottle to the front seats. You, however didn’t remember throwing the match or walking away. But when you had walked almost to your house like a zombie, you had to stop and sit on the ground. Your hands were shaking and you felt a wide grin stretch your lips. You held your head between your hands and a silent, confused laugh shook your entire body. What the fuck, what had you done? You set Carol’s father’s car on fire. You fucking  _ idiot.  _ But it wasn’t your fault, was it? You hadn’t meant to do it. It just happened, like a tick. And it had been amazing. Better than any binge ever, better than weed or alcohol. This was so much better. You took a jolly rancher, stolen from Carol, from your pocket and put it in your mouth. You were so fucked now, and you didn’t really even mind.

“Okay, we’ll be back before seven! There’s leftovers in the fridge if you want any” Stacy said from the hallway. The twins were screaming and playing and you leaned into the wall. You still felt the adrenaline pumping in your veins, but you acted like it was a normal thursday afternoon. Stacy was taking your brothers to their football practise and she could probably slip in a coffee break for herself.

“You don’t have to take care of me, Stacy”, You reminded her and Stacy smiled at you. She pulled on a fluffy beanie and guided the twins out of the door. You turned around, still smiling from the corners of your mouth and walked to the kitchen. All you could think about was the warmth of the flames and the shocked scream of the passing people. It was pretty much like being high. The peace didn’t last long. As soon as Stacy’s car disappeared from the driveway, the banging on the door started. You didn’t bother to go open it, because Carol bursted in anyway.

“I’m here” You shouted at her and opened the fridge. Fast steps walked to the kitchen.

“Did you seriously lurk around somewhere, waiting for them to leave?” You asked, getting a juice box. Carol slammed the fridge door shut before your nose. Your hand almost got caught in between but you managed to pull it away fast enough. You took a sip from the juice, looking at Carol as normally as you could. She was really fucking mad. You lifted your eyebrows and Carol smacked the juice from your hand. It flew to the marble floor and started forming an orange puddle. Okay then. You crossed your arms.

“What?” You asked, but she obviously wasn’t buying your innocent act. Carol always knew when you lied.

“Is this a fucking game to you?” She yelled. She was still wearing her beanie and coat and you took a few steps back, lifting the juice box and slamming it to the counter. Colin’s words from last night played in your head and you clenched your teeth together.  Carol walked behind you and she grabbed your shoulder.

“Hey!”  She demanded. You turned to her and pushed her back.

“Fuck off, he had it coming! I did you a favor”, You hissed and for a moment Carol looked shocked. She hadn’t expected that. You took a step towards her.

“You fucking dumbass, I did it because of you! I do everything because of you and still you think that you can treat me however you like! You treat other people like shit, even if they haven’t done anything to you”, You didn’t realize you were screaming. 

“People have never treated me like anything else but shit! But of course it’s so much harder for you ‘cus you’re just a sad rich girl. Boohoo, must be so fucking hard having everything in your life handed to you on a silver platter”, She yelled back, her face red and eyes dark. You wanted to scream out of pure frustration, but you turned around and kicked one of the chairs.

“You don’t know shit about my shit, so don’t take it out on me! I know your family sucks hard, but sometimes you are just as shitty yourself! I mean seriously, you don’t care about anybody else! I’m not a fucking object, Carol” You spat to her and she shoved you against the kitchen counter. You hit your leg against the corner and it hurt like hell, but you weren’t going to let it show. 

“You’re right, I  _ don’t  _ give a shit and too goddamn bad, because you’re stuck with me”, She snarled and you threw your hands in the air.

“You think I don’t know that!? Out of all the shitty people in the world, I had to fall in love with a sociopathic bitch!” You screamed and Carol froze. She stared at you and then she lifted you up on the counter. You ripped off her glasses and the beanie and bit her lip as soon as they touched yours. Carol grabbed your wrists and forced them down. You scratched her hands and opened her coat. She forced your legs apart with her knee and you groaned, wrapping your legs around her waist.

“Fuck you”, You hissed and Carol pressed one hand around your throat. Your eyelashes flickered and you felt the pressure between your legs grow.

“You’re such a fucking hypocrite, you know that? Like you are so fucking perfect, you’re just as much a shitehad as I am. You love to lead people on and make them talk about you, you secretly love it that people gossip about us. I’d eat you out in the girls’ bathroom and the next moment you’re smiling and waving at that little desperate puppy” She growled in your ear, her hand still on your throat. Carol’s lips went down your neck, biting and bruising. Your hands slid under her shirt and traced the lines on her back.

“You’re seriously a fucking mess, with your hard-on for fire”, She said a little breathless, because you dug your nails into her back and pulled her closer.

“But I’m yours”, You whispered against her lips and you felt her smile, like saying ‘ _ Damn right you are’  _ She pushed you on your back on the kitchen counter and you pulled your skirt up to your waist. 

Somehow you had made it to your room. Partly because the klock was almost seven and the last thing you wanted was to get busted half naked on the kitchen table. Carol sat on your bed with frizzy hair, lollipop in her mouth and a comic book in her hands.

“So how did you do it?” She asked, smiling mischievously and put the comic down. You glanced at her carefully, you could never quite figure out her sudden mood changes. 

“Aw c’mon dollface, tell me” Carol asked, tilting her head. 

“I don’t remember everything, actually” You said slowly, walking up next to her. 

“It’s kind of a blur. I don’t know, I just got mad, and then- blackout.  I think that I broke down a couple of windows and sprayed almost a whole can of hairspray onto the seats” You said and felt a smile creeping up at your mouth. Carol grinned.

“Oh shit! I wish I could’ve seen his fucking face when his precious little car was flaming” Carol said, obviously enjoying the thought. You climbed onto her lap taking the lollipop from her mouth and putting it into yours. 

“Told you I was the expert with fire”, You said teasingly. Suddenly, she went serious. Uh oh, don’t touch Carol’s candy. But it wasn’t that. Instead, her hands held you by the waist and Carol looked almost insecure. You lifted your eyebrows. 

“Did you mean it? Not the fire thing, the..The whole fucking falling-in-love stuff?” She asked. You felt like someone had just punched you in the face. You looked at her, stunned. 

“Shit, I really said that, didn’t I?” You tried to joke, but she shook her head, not letting you move one inch. 

“Don’t fucking play with me, dollface”, She said and it was almost scary how unsure she sounded. You were quiet for a while, but what the hell. You had already said it.

“Well, yes. I meant it. But you don’t have to say it back” You said. You felt your face redden. You were going to lose your mind if Carol didn’t say something soon. She looked away and then back at you. 

“A few days ago me and Barbie heard our parents talk. About the little shit’s gymnastics school or something, I don’t know. But they were talking about moving”, She said, suppressed anger in her voice.

“We weren’t meant to hear that, but I went and told them what I thought about it and we got into a fight...And well, the old man is a sack of shit”, Carol continued, a cold smile on her face.

“And fucking Barbie, she agrees with me but she won’t do or say anything ‘cus she’s such a perfect little barbie-doll” If you had felt bad before, now you felt a thousand times worse. You slid off of Carol’s lap and took her hands.

“When, what?” You blurted out. Your voice was shaking more than you wanted it to. 

“Before christmas, I think. To texas, can you believe it?” She spitted and bit her lollipop.

“Well West-Virginia isn’t exactly a party either”, You said. Then the knowledge started sinking in.

“Before christmas. That’s a couple of months,  _ fuck” _ , Your voice cracked, but from anger. Now you understood why Carol had been acting so moody. It was probably expensive as hell to move like this and then you had went and burned down her father’s car. Just great.

“Yeah”, She said. You felt like every breath you took burned your lungs. You wouldn’t survive, you knew it. Without Carol, you had nothing keeping you here. You just wouldn’t be able to do it. It was unhealthy as fuck but that’s the way it was. Fuck Colin and Ruby and all the others.

“I just want to smash her fucking face in”, Carol said, clenching her fists. You weren’t sure of who she was talking about, but it didn’t matter. A little over two months. It was like you were inside a ticking time bomb. Suddenly, you cupped Carol’s face and kissed her just as desperately as she had kissed you in the car. You couldn’t stop thinking about how short time two months was. So you pressed yourself tightly against her and whispered: 

“Let me taste you”, And to your surprise, she smiled and let you unbutton her jeans. Again, not exactly a confession of love or apology, but close enough.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally I managed to write a new chapter! Hopefully these aren't too long!<3


	5. You get me so high

There had been a small article in the local newspaper about the burnt car, speculating if it had been vandalism or a technical thing. Carol had cut out the article from the paper and it was glued to the inside of your wardrobe door, like some sick little trophy. It didn’t make you feel victorious, mostly just nauseous. Sure, the high had been amazing, but you were scared. How could you just snap like that? You had to control yourself better.

The bell ringing pulled you back to the moment. Everyone started gathering their stuff and pushing out of the classroom. Lunch, of course. There was a cheap, plastic pumpkin on the teacher’s desk and you felt like it was laughing at you. You resisted the urge to stuck your tongue out at it and threw the backpack on your shoulder. Someone had thrown toilet paper all over the hallway, probably their idea of a halloween prank. The school counselor, Miss Brooks was scoulding some boys and you tried to sneak past her.

“Robertson!” The high, nasal voice called and you cringed to yourself before turning around. You forced a smile to the greying woman. The boys saw their chance and ran quickly away, pussies. 

“Why don’t come up to my office for a while”, She said, but it was not a question, it was a statement. You cleared your throat and tried to look for a getaway.

“Um, I was just actually heading for lunch”, You said but Miss Brooks flashed you that look that made many students piss their pants. 

“Surely it can wait a moment” She snapped and you had no choice but follow her to the small room. 

The counselors office was decorated with cheesy motivational posters and there was a large, plastic sunflower on the windowsill. Everything was perfectly neat and organized. You wondered if Miss Brooks had been like this since childhood. You sat on the worn chair that so many students had sat on before.

“So, Miss Robertson, how are you?” She asked, with no sympathy whatsoever. You shrugged.

“Fine, I guess” You said. You were fine, considering that your self-control was crumbling, your grades had taken a shit and your girlfriend was moving to fucking Texas in a few months. There was a poster on the wall that said ‘Pawsitive cattitude’, you wanted to laugh but also barf at the same time. Miss Brooks looked at you over her narrow glasses and sighed. 

“I have a file here about your grades, there was quite a dramatic drop last year as you know”, She said. You bit the inside of your cheek. Yes you knew, she didn’t have to rub it in your face. You were actually a quick learner, but you just didn’t have the energy for studying. Also it felt like there were bigger things in your life than biology lessons. But it was true that you would have to get your shit together at some point, if you wanted to graduate. 

“Is there any specific reason why I’m here?” You asked. Miss Brooks smiled and it looked like someone was stretching paper on top of bones.

“Just checking up on you. I’m here for all the students”, Yeah right. You started getting up. 

“But I have to say that i’m worried. You are a bright student, but you’re just giving up now. You are also absent a lot and seem to be often by yourself”, She said. 

“You asking if I have any friends?” You had to let out a dry laugh. Miss Brooks glared at you and you could actually see a blink of sadness in her eyes and it made you feel terrible.

“No, no. I just want you to be safe, you know how these kids spread rumours like wildfires”, She said and reached to take something from her desk drawer. She put a handful of condoms in your palm and you resisted the urge to giggle. You definitely wouldn’t need those. But who the hell was spreading rumours about you? Of course, Ruby came in to your mind. That little bitch. 

“Miss Brooks, I really don’t-” You started but she shook her head.

“Just take them, Miss Robertson. Off you go”, She said, back to her normal tightly wired self. You pushed the condoms in your backpack and lef the office, still confused.

There was a basketball practise going on in the gym. You walked along the wall, watching out for flying balls. There was a big empty space under the grandstand and there you found the group you had been looking for. This was Carol’s ‘spot’ for dealing weed but now she sat on the floor with three people, playing cards. When you had been alienated from the social life of high-school, you had surprisingly found some new people. The outcast, loners. You couldn’t really call the kids Carol’s friends, you were pretty sure she had no real friends, but maybe she just endured these a little better than others. The tall goth girl, Katie, saw you coming and she flashed you a little smile.

“Hey Carol look your sidekick is here”, She said in her low voice. You liked Katie. She was creepy as hell with her dark get-up and arms full of scars, but she was oddly nice. 

“I’m not her sidekick, she’s mine”, You said and sat down next to Carol, who rolled her eyes but grinned at you. The nerdy boy across her smiled at you too. You were pretty sure his name was Mike. 

“You playing bridge?” You asked, you were pretty proud of yourself for teaching Carol to play.

“Well that’s the only game we get to play anymore, thanks to this asshat”, Katie said, nodding at Carol. Carol scoffed and played her next card, obviously really into the game. She had a jawbreaker in her mouth and she waved her hand at the last boy. If you thought Katie was creepy, that boy was even more so. He barely spoke, but was always staring others under his hair, like he was examining everyone. You didn’t like being the victim of his stare because it felt like he knew everything about you. The boy played his card and threw a few coins in the small pile that was probably the price they were playing for. There was one joint, like ten dollars and two lollipops. You took the condoms Miss Brooks had given you and threw them into the pile, making Mike giggle. 

“I got ambushed by Miss Brooks and I’m pretty sure she called me a whore”, You stated as an explanation for the condoms.

“That old cunt. I could put dogshit in her office if you want”, Carol said in a light tone. You tilted your head and considered it for a moment.

“I’ll think about that”, You said and crossed your legs. Katie bit her black nails and chuckled.

“I’m pretty sure Carol would kill for you”, She said in a weirdly serious tone, that didn’t match to the amusement on her face. Like you had thought earlier, Katie was creepy. Carol switched the jawbreaker to the other side of her mouth. You started playing around with your lighter.

“Shut up”, Carol muttered to Katie. Mike rolled her eyes and scribbled something in his papers.

“Here we go again, never let Katie talk about murders”, Mike said. The quiet kid played his card and said quietly:

“Everyone has a hobby, that’s just Katie’s”, That was probably the first time in a week you had heard him speak. His eyes flickered to your lighter and for a moment you were goddamn sure that this boy knew about the car. You stuffed the lighter back into your pocket with sweaty hands. 

“Thank you Josh-Oh fuck! We lost, Mike”, Katie said and slammed her cards down. Mike was glancing at his cards and then counted the points in his paper. Carol flashed a smug smile and you rolled your eyes at her.

“Well shit, again”, Mike sighed. 

“Fuck yeah, we’re fucking unbeatable Josh! Suck it”, Carol laughed at Katie and Mike and hoarded half of the victory pile. Josh smiled faintly behind his hair and cracked open one of the red lollipops. Katie groaned, pulling back her long black hair. 

“You have to play with us next time, so we can stop these fuckers from winning every time”, She said, directing her words at you. 

“Yeah sure, let’s beat their asses”, You answered and Carol scoffed.

“Like you could beat me, dollface”, She said with an almost too confident tone.

“Please, I taught this game to you. I could destroy you”, You said and Carol turned to you, with a teasing look on her face.

“Yeah, wanna bet?” She asked in a low voice and leaned closer. You raised your eyebrows, but didn’t back down.

“Get a room, jeez”, Katie said sarcastically, making Mike giggle again. Carol patted her pockets for her cigarettes.

“All right, I need to go smoke- wait, that’s for you dollface!” She said and took the red lollipop from her pile, sticking it into your mouth. You frowned at her but sucked the red artificial candy. You got up with Carol and waved bye at the odd group. 

“Bye, dollface!” Katie called after you and Carol flashed her the finger. They were probably the weirdos that Barbara and her click looked down on and honestly, you had done that before too. The basketball practise was still going on when you two slipped outside and your stomach groaned. Oh yeah, lunch was probably over already. 

The familiar menthol smell floated around you. It was such a comforting smell that you’d probably have to start smoking yourself after christmas just so you could smell it again. You tried your best not to make yourself sad but that was more easily said than done. You could tell that Carol was frustrated. Or even more, she was angry, like all the time. She tried to act all happy around you, but you knew that she was just bottling up. Your sat at your usual place in the grandstand and it was getting seriously cold. All the bare trees looked like skeletons to you.

“Do you have any plans tonight?” You asked and stretched your fingers inside the rainbow mittens.

“Why do you even have to ask that at this point, I’m ready to be with you pretty much twenty four-seven”, Carol said in a fake-exhausted voice, but she smirked. 

“Just making sure you’re not getting sick of me yet”, You said and leaned to her shoulder. 

“Well sometimes you do annoy the hell out of me”, She said smiling and wrapped one hand around you. For a moment it felt like everything was completely normal, just another day, the school year was filled with days like this. You had always thought that this was how it was going to be until graduation and now that was slipping between your fingers. 

“Wanna ditch the rest of the day, I don’t feel like watching these shitheads”, Carol said, pushing back her beanie. You remembered Miss Brook’s lecture, but that didn’t seem very important right now.

“I feel like having a movie marathon”, You said. Carol took a long drag from her cigarette and clicked her tongue.

“I had something else in mind than watching movies”, She murmured and blew a cloud of smoke between her lips. You sure as hell didn't complain.

It was almost ironic that Carol’s parents liked you. They liked you because you were from a wealthy family, and because you still could turn on the good old ‘little miss perfect’- act when you wanted to. But you had seen how they behind closed doors and were glad that they weren’t home now. You had whined until Carol had driven you to get a burger and the papers were still laying on the floor. There was an old, green armchair in Carol’s room that was usually buried in clothes. You had found out that that chair was  _ very _ useful in more ways than one. Carol was really good at making things useful.

Now you were watching one of Barbara’s chick-flicks from Carol’s small tv that was probably picked up from a dumpster. She was once again deep in her notebook. You had helped her to pack some weed and they were secured in a small locked box under her bed. You took a handful of candy from a bag next to you. They were those sweet and sour colorful ones that Carol loved. It had gotten dark already and you could hear trick-or-treaters walking up and down the street. You almost threw the candy in the air when Barbara stormed in in a full slutty nurse get-up. Behind her came Debbie, dressed as a witch. 

“You have to take her”, Barbara said, pointing at Debbie. Carol lifted her gaze from the notebook and frowned her brows.

“Take her what?” She asked sharply.

“To trick-or treating”, Debbie said quietly behind her big sister. 

“Where are mom and dad, I’m not taking the brat”, Carol hissed. Barbara rolled her eyes, crossing her arms.

“They’re at the Blackwells’, remember? Fuck I swear you don’t listen to anything I tell you"

“Isn’t she old enough to go by herself?” You asked, muting the voice from the tv. Debbie looked at you like you had paid her a compliment. Barbara ignored you, that was nothing new. 

“I actually have plans tonight, unlike some others. People are expecting me to show up”, She snarled, puffing up her brown curls. Carol rolled a lollipop around in her mouth and got up.

“Yeah, I see you’re wearing your official blowjob-giving costume and all. How many customers you seeing tonight, Barbie? ”, She asked bitterly. You knew the Denning sisters well enough to not interfere. Debbie stood back, holding the little plastic skull-basket in her hands. You felt kinda bad for her and for a moment you considered walking up to her or maybe escorting her out before the sisters would really start to fight, but that would probably piss them off even more. You sat up and pulled the sleeves of your yellow shirt. 

“You’re so pathetic you actually make me sad sometimes. No one would give a single fuck about your existence if you didn’t deal your shitty weed”, Barbara said with a cold smile. Carol’s face flared up and she clenched her fists.

“So take Debbie and take your little mouse and deal with it. Or I’ll tell dad”, The older sister hissed and left with her high heels hitting the floor. You guessed that you were the mouse, not very flattering. You got up, it was deadly silent except the vr whirring and Debbie’s short breaths. Carol was staring at her little sister, switching her anger to her. You touched Carol’s arm and se twitched, before looking at you with tense face. 

“Let’s just take her, we can do something afterwards, it’s still early”, You said, keeping your voice calm. Carol drew a strong breath and flashed a terrifying fake smile to Debbie.

“Yeah, fuck it. We’re gonna have so much fun”, She said, imitating Barbara very well. She turned around and climbed to the other side of her bed, reaching under it. You went to Debbie and tried to look comforting.

“Why don’t you go outside and we’ll be there in a minute, okay?” You said and Debbie nodded, giving you a faint smile. You noticed she’d squeezed the basket so hard it looked all wobbly. Carol opened the metal box and took out the small bags. 

“Might as well do something useful”, She muttered and stuffed them into her coat pockets. You stopped her on her way out the door.

“You okay?” You asked. Carol hated pity, so you tried keep your tone casual, but the worry probably showed up on your face. Carol adjusted her glasses and stuck a cigarette between her teeth.

“I’m fanfuckingtastic, dollface”, She said and brushed past you. You walked after her past the staircase and to Debbie waiting at the door. You grabbed to cheap halloween masks that were laying on the kitchen table. Like you didn’t get to wear a mask every day, anyway. 

A bunch of preteen girls were walking before you. Some of Debbie’s gymnastic friend had tagged along and you could just feel the pissed off-energy radiating from Carol. You had slipped on the plastic clown mask and it was making your face sweat like hell. Carol was walking behind you, occasionally stopping to ‘chat’ with some teenagers. You loved seeing all the costumes and regretted that you hadn’t bought one. You glanced at your watch. Stacy was probably trick or treating with the twins too. Crap, you had went with them every year before this.

“Can I please go with Susan? We’re just going at her house and they know my parents!” Debbie said, turning to you. You lifted your mask and looked at Carol. 

“Fuck no, I let you get kidnapped or raped I’m the one who’s getting in trouble”, Carol said, dumping her cigarette on the ground. 

“But what if I call dad from Susan’s house? So they can come get me when they get home”, It took quite a lot bravery from Debbie to talk back to her sister. Carol glared at her little sister, but then shrugged. 

“Go, then. But you better talk real sweet to mom and dad”, She said and Debbie squealed, running off with the girls. You looked them go and felt a little uneasy. You started to say something, but Carol lifted her hand from her pocket and showed you the money.

“Look! I’m fucking killing it tonight”, She stated. You looked at the money, impressed.

“Well shit, now you’ll stay on cigarettes and candy for a while again”, You said. Then you heard someone call your name and turned around. Katie and Josh were walking down the street towards you. Katie had gone all out with her long, black dress and bone white face and Josh was wearing demon horns.

“Where’s your costume Katie?” Carol called out.

“Ha ha, very funny”, Katie said. She took a chug out of the bottle she was carrying. It was a soda bottle, but Katie didn’t smell like soda. Mike wasn’t with them but you figured he wasn’t a halloween person. 

“You gals doing anything special?”, Katie asked, while Josh stayed quiet like he always did. You glanced at Carol. Her bad mood had disappeared in the usual sudden way.

“Depends on what you’re doing”, She said, looking meaningfully at the bottle. Katie snorted and handed it over. 

“We were thinking of going to the cemetery, just to get into the halloween spirit you know. Josh likes the tombstones”, She said. You felt icky shivers go up your arms and you looked at the quiet boy. Jeez, okay. Carol’s hand wrapped around your waist and she handed you the bottle.

“What’d ya say dollface, let’s go scare some ghosts?” She asked and tickled you. You sniffed the bottle, it reeked like strong alcohol, and took a sip.

“You’re all freaks, but okay”, You said and Katie did a little victory dance. The four of you left the main road and went across the park. You pressed against Carol even without noticing it. Sure, you loved horror films, but that was different than real life. 

Like it wasn’t dark and creepy enough, Katie had brought fucking candles. The fire made you feel a little better but sitting on the cold ground, leaning into a tombstone didn’t exactly scream ‘safe’ to you. Carol had rolled a joint that was passing in the group, but you didn’t feel like getting any hallucinations now. You held the soda bottle close to you and shivered.

“I hate all this fake halloween crap! It’s not the real deal”, Katie said and gave the joint to Josh. He nodded. Carol let out a dry laugh and you scooted closer to her.

“I think your sidekick is scared”, Josh said to Carol. She turned to you and made a pouting face.

“Aw, you scared, dollface? I thought you were like a horror freak”, She said, but didn’t move away from you. You sneered and took a jug from the bottle.

“Horror  _ movie _ freak, and I’m not scared. It’s just cold as fuck”, You said and handed the bottle to Carol. Katie held her hands in front of her , staring at the candle between her fingers.

“Shit, Carol this is real! I feel like my hands are air”, She said. 

“Maybe you’re turning into a ghost”, Josh said to her in his monotone voice.

“I wish, I’d make a fucking great ghost. You can’t blame for the lack of trying, either”, She said. Her long sleeves had slipped upwards and the deep scars on her wrists looked almost like two half moons. You tried to look anywhere else, but around you was just dark cemetery and the distant yellow glimmer of the street light. 

“When was that person buried?” Josh asked, nodding at the stone behind you. Well wasn’t he just a chatterbox this evening. You turned to glance over your shoulder.

“1983”, You said. That was just a year ago, yuck. Carol hummed the Ghostbusters theme. Katie ran her fingers across the candle flame with the distant, high look in her eyes. You crossed your arms, not wanting to lean into the tombstone anymore. Carol snapped her teeth next to your ear and you jumped, pushing her away. It got cold immediately.

“Asshole!” You stated, frowning. Carol laughed and leaned closer to you, biting her bottom lip.

“C’mon dollface, let me warm you up”, She said. Katie and Josh didn’t seem to care, Josh was talking in a hushed voice about something to Katie. The goth girl was laying on the ground, still examining her hands. Carol got up and pulled you with her. You followed her away from the odd couple and between the stones and trees. The street was now closer and the yellow light calmed you down a bit. You felt Carol’s hands slide into your hair. She smelled like alcohol and you probably did too, so you leaned against a tree trunk and wrapped your hands around her waist. She was so warm in contrast of the dark night and her lips were hungry, biting your earlobe. You sighed and pulled her back to your lips. 

“You’re fucking crazy if you think I’m doing anything at a cemetery”, You said to her in a half-whisper. 

“I could persuade you”, She answered with a self-assured tone. That was probably true, but you weren’t going to tell Carol that. So you just kissed her back, letting her hands slide from your hair to your hips. You could hear your breath getting heavier and your body heating up, and you didn’t move away. Jesus christ, maybe cemetary sex wouldn’t be so bad after all. You just wanted her to touch _ every inch _ of you so badly.

“Hey Denning, that you?” A rough voice called out. Carol raised her head and adjusted her glasses, looking at the street over your shoulder.

“You've got to be shitting me”, She groaned and took a step back. You batted your eyes, still flustered and muttered:

“What, who is it?” Carol stepped out from behind the tree and you had no choice but to follow her.

“My boss”, She said grimly.

The man standing next to the car looked pretty sketchy. You’d seen him before somewhere, but couldn’t come up with a place. He looked around mid- 20s and his twigly brown beard didn’t really suit him.

“What’s up Dean?” Carol asked when you stepped out of the cemetery and into the street. The man called Dean straightened his dirty jean jacket and smiled.

“Not much, but you two look like you’ve been busy”, He said and you quickly zipped up your jacket and tried to smooth your hair. The alcohol was really kicking in and your legs felt kind of wobbly. Well, that might’ve been just from the earlier. Carol seemed cautious, with her hands deep in her pockets and shoulders raised. That made you nervous too. You stood a little behind her, eyeing at the older man carefully. So this was the one who Carol dealed for. 

“Why am I not surprised that it’d be you who was sucking face in a fucking cemetery. That your girlfriend? I always did get the pussy-licking vibe from you, kid” The man laughed, he seemed to be amused by all of this. Dean had a toothpick between his teeth and hollow face.

“Enough with the chit chat bullshit”, Carol said, obviously annoyed by Dean’s comments. Dean raised his hands in a surrendering manner.

“Okay then, Denning. You got my cash? I haven’t seen shit in two weeks”, He said. There was a cold look in his eyes that you didn’t like. 

“Yeah, I have it”, Carol said and dug her pockets. She pulled out rolled bills and tonight’s money. Dean let out admiring noise and counted the cash.

“Not bad, kid. Seems like you’ve gotten the whole high school, well, high”, He said and gave a small stack of bills back. Carol stared at them and back at Dean.

“What the fuck is this?” She spat, waving the bills in his face. Dean raised his eyebrows.

“Your share”, He stated sharply. 

“I got like twice as much last time!” Carol said and walked up to the man. Shit, this was not good. 

“You got a problem with my prices, Denning?” Dean asked in a low voice, standing tall. Carol wrinkled the money in her fist.

“Bet your ugly ass I do”, She said. You took a few steps closer, thinking about pulling Carol away but then you saw the flash of the knife and froze.

“Just because I let you deal the weak stuff to some hormonal shitheads, does not mean you can start talking back to me”, Dean growled. Carol leaned back, holding her hands before her. She didn’t seem scared, but her eyes were wide as plates. You figured that she had seen Dean use that knife.

“You don’t like working for me, you can say bye bye to your pocket money, Denning. And people like you and me, we don’t like quitters”, Dean said, grinning. You heard Carol bite her teeth together hard.

“So we okay, kid? You gonna be a good little dealer and see me next week?” Dean asked, putting the knife away. You exhaled sharply and Carol nodded slowly.

“Let me hear you say it, Denning”, Dean said, patting his pocket. 

“We’re okay, boss”, Carol said through gritted teeth. Dean winked at you and opened his car door.

“You girls have a good night”, He said and shut the door, while the stereo started beating some electronic shit. The scrappy car drove away, tires screeching. It got really quiet and slow rain started hitting the pavement. You didn’t dare to do anything.

“Fucking Dean! I'm so sick of working for his ass, everyone know I’d be better off alone”, Carol hissed. 

“Are you-”, You started but Carol cut you off.

“I’m fine”, She said sharply and kicked the empty can on the ground so hard it flew to the cemetery. She took out a cigarette with slightly shaky hands and lit it.

“Okay, don’t do that”, You said and grabbed her hand.

“Do what, smoke? A little too late for that, dollface”, She said coldly. You shook your head.

“No, every time you get upset, you just shut down. I haven’t scared you away with my bullshit, you’re not gonna scare me away. I promise”, You said. Carol took a drag from her cigarette and bit her cheek. 

“Don’t make useless fucking promises”, She said quietly. You smiled almost sadly.

“Don’t tell me what to do, Denning”, You said, imitating Dean poorly. Carol rolled her eyes at you.

“Unconditionally, I promise”, You said. Carol blew smoke from her lips and threw the cigarette away even though it wasn’t smoked even halfway. The rain was making your coat feel heavy and cold. You didn’t let go of her hand, but Carol threw her arm around you shoulders.

“Y’know I would do pretty much anything for you?” She said with a joking tone, but her eyes were serious and not at all amused. You reached up and kissed her cheek, and she looked almost surprised. 

“That’s what Katie said, too. We should go home, we still have those movies to watch”, You reminded her. The incident with Dean seemed to melt away, but left a hint of worry in your mind. When the two of you were walking down the street, slightly drunk and laughing at your own inside jokes, it didn’t occur to you just how deadly Carol’s devotion could be. But you would find out soon enough.    
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super busy with school at the moment so the next chapter might take a while!  
> The support this has gotten is amazing, thank you all sm x


	6. Killer's eyes

A few days after thanksgiving, you were sitting on the living room floor eating leftovers with the twins, Stacy and Carol. There was some charity concert on the tv and the cheesy decorations were still up. Thanksgiving had been an absolute shitshow. Both of your grandmas and all the cousins had come over and your parents were playing the perfect family- game with thanksgiving meal that you knew was straight from catering. So when one of your aunts said to your mom:

“Oh Donna, this is absolutely delicious”, You just wanted to roll your eyes. Everyone knew about your bad grades and misbehaviour and they flashed you condescending smiles and pinched your cheeks. Stacy had been away with her family, so you had pretty much taken care of the twins. You had just tried to get through it without too many passive aggressive comments and without getting a lecture later. Thank god your parents had returned to their busy, busy work life as soon as possible. You were just pretty sure that they couldn’t stand being home because then they would realize how horrible parents they actually were. You had been almost too happy when Stacy came back. You knew that compared to Carol, you had it really easy. She hadn’t said a word about the holiday, and you hadn’t asked, knowing that that would just set her off.

At least Stacy tolerated Carol now. Well, tolerate was a strong word, but she didn’t snarl at her anymore. It was probably just out of pity, Stacy knew that the Dennings’ were moving away soon. She had to be secretly jumping up and down from joy. You just had your mouth full of turkey, when one of the twins, Jacob, asked:

“What’s 'a fucking commie'?” You started coughing violently and Carol had to slap your back for a few times before you could breathe again, with your face burning red. Stacy had stopped mid-bite and looked at Jacob, baffled.

“What, who said that?” She asked. You were still trying to steady your breath and you hit your chest, clearing your throat.

“One kid at school called me that and said that commies are gonna bomb us”, Jacob said. He was obviously more interested now, thinking that it was a bad word. The other twin, Justin, drew his eyes from the tv screen. The corners of his mouth were covered in cranberry jam.

“Next time he does that, you just sock him in the jaw”, Carol told him, grinning. You elbowed her hard.

“No, remember boys we use our words, not our fists”, Stacy said quickly, giving Carol a hard look. The twins seemed to prefer Carol’s idea.

“But what is a commie?” Justin asked, frowning his brows. You and Stacy exchanged looks. How do you explain that to a ten-year old?

“Well, that’s a person that’s..erm, from Russia”, Stacy said. Not probably what you would’ve said but oh well.

“And nobody is gonna bomb anyone, and it’s not a nice word so don’t go throwing it around”, You said strictly and waved your fork so enthusiastically that Carol had to dunk down. The twins seemed satisfied with explanation and returned to their plates.

“Oh I love her”, Stacy said adoringly at the singer on the tv. You thought that she singed pretty nasal, but just nodded.

“With boobs like that, she doesn’t even have to be a good singer”, Carol whispered to you and suddenly you started coughing again.

It was cold as hell in your room because Carol was sitting at the windowsill, blowing smoke out of the window. She had that blue plaid shirt that you loved and she was scribbling something down in her notebook.

“Are you gonna help me with math tonight?” You asked, glancing at your schoolbooks. You pulled on the biggest, comfiest college shirt that you had and lit two long green candles on your nightstand.

“Oh shit, I can’t dollface. I have to go to the little shit’s gymnastics show at six”, She said, putting out the cigarette and replacing it with a lollipop. You pouted at her.

“Do you have to go there, I mean, Debbie has shows like every other weekend anyway”, You whined. Carol’s jaw tensed and she continued her drawing.

“Yeah, you don’t have to fucking tell me about it. It’s not like I have any fucking choice, anyway”, She said. Shit, you shouldn’t have brought that up. You were sure that Carol’s parents made her go, they seemed to be extra tense now. And that made Carol more tense too. She had a yellow bruise on her arm that looked too much like a hand to you. It had appeared over the holidays and you saw the dark anger on Carol’s face way too often. You sighed and started getting the books out of your bag. Carol closed the window and threw herself onto your bed. You sat on the bed and started going through your English homework, probably for the first time in a month. The fucked up thing was that even though Carol was leaving, you were kind of getting your shit together. You hadn’t binged in a long time, and no blackouts either. You were able to put down your lighter and even study some days. But when you were doing better, Carol was obviously spiraling and that made you worried. You wondered if you and Carol had some magnetic field going on, so when one was doing better, the other one was doing worse. It would probably shift soon again and oh boy then you would be fucked.

Carol got up and went to the bathroom. You glanced down at your notes. You you really didn’t mean to look, but her notebook was open. The drawing was the same as her other silly characters but this one was laying down. You blinked and connected the stupid outfit to the pigtails. That was Debbie, laying down with a puddle of something red under her. You definitely shouldn’t have done it, but you took the notebook and turned a few pages. There was Katie as a witch and Miss Brooks as a vampire. You in a shirt so big that you looked like you were drowning in it, you in a red rocket ship, you sitting cross legged and doing math with red streaks flying from your head. Those were pretty cute and innocent. But there was also Colin suffocating in a plastic bag, Carol’s dad being chased by drooling lions, Ruby with her eyes stabbed with mascara, Barbara puking something pink, and more than anything else, there was Debbie. Debbie drowning, Debbie crawling, Debbie with huge, black eyes..You didn’t want to look at them, your hands went cold and numb. You heard the bathroom door open and threw the closed notebook on the bed. Fucking hell. Dating Carol 101: Don’t go through her shit, ever. As soon as Carol stepped back into your room, you just jumped at her, hugging her tightly. You weren’t sure if this was to distract her from the closed notebook or if you just felt terrible for her and for you. She hugged you back, puzzled.

“You alright, dollface?” She asked and you let out a slightly hysterical laugh, not letting go. This was your Carol, your short-tempered, childish and stubborn Carol. Your Carol who would always hold your hair when you were throwing up, who once hit a boy just because he had called you something nasty, who secretly loved it when you looked after her, who would spend the entire day in bed watching movies if you felt bad. You didn’t want to think about the pictures, you would not allow it. This was your Carol and you would soon lose her and you sure as hell weren’t going to ruin these last moments.

“You’re acting weird”, Carol said, pushing you gently away. You didn’t want her to see your face, so you looked out of the window, and started smiling. It was snowing.

“Look, look!” You screamed and pointed at the window like she was stupid. Carol looked at the snow and groaned.

“We have to go outside right now”, You stated and started looking around for your scarf.

“No fucking way, I hate snow. It’s just cold and wet and makes you freeze your tits off”, She stated and crossed her arms. You had already pulled on your scarf and put your hands to your waist, glaring at her.

“Carol Amber Denning, if you don’t get your ass outside now-”, You started with your most convincing voice that you used with the twins. Carol lifted her eyebrow at you.

“What, you’re gonna spank me?” She asked with a smirk and you tightened your scarf with your cheeks red.

“Let’s just go, please!” You said and Carol gave up and let you push her out of the room. Amazing work avoiding a crisis, even if you said so yourself.

You almost started jumping as soon as you got outside. Carol stood for a while at the porch, staring at the snow like it was her worst enemy. You knew she hated getting her hair wet more than anything and she pulled her beanie down to her glasses. She looked like a pissed off chipmunk. You spinned around with your arms to your sides and opened your mouth, trying to catch as many snowflakes as you could.

“C’mon, don’t be a pussy!” You laughed and Carol, not taking any indication that she would fear anything, ran down the porch stairs. You grabbed her hands and spinned her around.

“I hate this” Carol said, but her face didn’t look like it. The snow barely covered the black ground, but you still scooped up some dirty snow and smashed it to her head. She yelled and you ran away as quickly as possible. She chased after you and that went on for a while but at last you got hit in the face with a big lump of wet snow. You slipped and fell down and you heard Carol say:

“Oh fuck!” But you just laughed and swiped the half melted snow off of your face. You fell back down and stared at the falling snow. Carol walked to you and sat beside you. You closed your eyes and let the snowflakes melt onto your face. When you opened your eyes, Carol was still looking at you, with a unsolved look in her eyes.

“What you staring at?” You asked, smiling.

“Your cute face, dumbass” She said, throwing snow at you.

“Oh you think I’m cute”, You said, in  the annoying way that you knew she hated.

“Well that was probably exaggerating, you’re mostly just okay”, Carol said and now you kicked snow at her, sitting up. She grinned and you tried to play-fight her.

“Maybe I’ll go and find me someone who thinks I’m more than okay, then”, You declared dramatically and she caught your wrists. You stuck your tongue out at her.

“Okay fine, Jeez. I guess your face is cute”, Carol groaned and you started to wriggle again. She forced your hands down and wrapped her arms around you.

“And your ass is cute too, and your hair when you wake up and it’s like a giant fucking cloud”, She said and you slowly stopped and looked at her almost surprised.

“And your cheeks too because you blush so fucking easily and when you put your hands into your sleeves when you’re cold. It’s so fucking annoying that you’re so cute”, She continued.

“Bullshit”, You whispered. You could see all the snowflakes melting in her eyelashes and hitting her glasses.

“Bulltrue”, Carol muttered and kissed you, with her cold hands on your cheeks. You were still sitting in the snow but it didn’t really matter. You’d think that after over a year, you’d somehow get used to this, but you didn’t. Your head still started spinning. You melted into the hard kiss, feeling her tongue run along the line of your lower lip. In that moment you were absolutely sure, that you would do anything to keep her with you, burn a thousand cars if that’s what it would take.

“I love you too fucking much”, You breathed so quietly you weren’t sure if she even heard. Of course she did. Carol opened her eyes and looked at you with the same, almost confused look as before. She seemed like she wanted to say something, but then she glanced at the watch that was sticking out of your mitten.

“Shit, I need to go!” She said and got up, wiping snow from her jeans. You stood up too, still flustered and looked at the watch. Half past five. Carol was cursing to herself and you grabbed her arm.

“Hey, no panic. We’ll just go and get your stuff, okay? You’re not probably even gonna be late”, You reassured and adjusted her glasses. Why was she so panicked about this?

“Dad’s gonna kill me if I’m late again”, Carol groaned and started walking. Yeah, that was probably why. You felt the old fire sizzle again in your stomach. Drooling lions weren’t good enough for him. You followed her back into the house.

Carol quickly gathered her stuff into her backpack, not glancing twice at the notebook and you let out an internal relieved sigh. Carol on the other hand had trouble written all over her face. The panicked girl was gone again and you could see the anger rise. You followed her to the door, probably spreading mud and snow all over the polished wooden floor. Stacy was reading in the living room and she didn’t even glance up when Carol stormed past her to the door.

You grabbed Carol’s hand before she managed to slip from the open door.

“You okay?” You asked, even though she hated it. Carol looked like she was about to snap something nasty at you but she closed her mouth at the last second.

“Don’t ask that, dollface”, She said with a stiff voice. You pulled off the rainbow mittens and handed them back to her. Carol looked at them like she’d never seen them before.

“Your hands are cold as fuck”, You said and forced her to take the mittens. She put them on and stepped out of the door, glancing at you over her shoulder. For some reason that moment stuck to your head for a long time. Her brown hair frizzy from the snow, red beanie, wet glasses and angry eyes. The anger wasn’t targeted at you, but it still sent shivers down your spine. She looked determined. And maybe later you thought if you could’ve done something. Something more. For a fleeting second you almost said “I know about the notebook”, but then she walked out to the dark evening and closed the door, leaving you standing there with the words on your lips.

You felt the sad desperation bubbling in your chest. You had to lean against the wall while walking and you drew a slightly shaky breath. The time-bomb was ticking down and that had just hit you. Walking slowly past the living room, you heard Stacy close her book. You looked at her and she looked at you, with her brows drawn together. Her look was a weird mix of pity and something you couldn’t make out. You put your hands in your sleeves and wished you had your lighter.

“I saw you kissing”, Stacy said, and your heart dropped.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”, You said. It was so quick, like a natural reflex. When had lying become so natural, your voice didn’t even flinch. Stacy stood up, looking at you the same way she looked at the twins when they were hiding something.

“Don’t fucking lie”, She said. Wow, Stacy cursing, that was something. Your face strained into a tight smile.

“I’m not”, You answered, with you hands still in your sleeves.

“Out there, pretty much under this window, in the snow. You telling me that wasn’t kissing?” She said, crossing her arms. Okay, the lying thing was a no-go. You bit your lip and took a few steps into the living room from the hallway. But Stacy didn’t look mad. She didn’t look shocked or disgusted.

“You think I didn’t know? You kids think you’re so sly with your sneaking in and sneaking out. You should see yourself when you’re with her”, Stacy said, letting out a dry laugh. You didn’t find this funny at all.

“You gonna tell mom and dad?” You asked, and were shocked at how small and scared your voice sounded like. Stacy swallowed and bit her lip.

“How many times do ya think I’ve seen you come home totally shitfaced? Or high? Sneaking beer into your room, letting Carol out after your folks have gone to work? Letting you stay home weeks at a time, when you’re clearly not sick? I’m not stupid, kid”, She said. You just stared at her. You thought you had been so careful. You started to say something, but Stacy raised her hand.

“And I get it, because I’ve been through it. Hey, I’m only twenty-four. You gotta do what you gotta do, rebel a little, drink a little. You’re just confused, trying out new things and that’s okay. But ya know, with this, you’re just making your own life a shit ton harder”, She said. Fuck, like you didn’t know that. You pretty much fell to the couch.

“Well, she’s leaving anyway, so then it won’t be a problem”, You said and your voice broke in the most embarrassing way possible. Stacy sat next to you and she wrapped her arm around you. Half of you wanted to push her away and tell her to fuck off, but then again it felt so good just to have someone know. You tried your best to stop crying but it wasn’t really working. God, You felt so pathetic.

“Hun, I don’t like Carol. But that’s not because of this, that’s just because I don’t like her as a person. Honestly I don’t think she’s a positive influence on you. But you like her, and it sucks that you’re hurting. But it will pass, it will get easier after she’s left. You can go back to normal, maybe you’ll notice that this was just a phase”, You knew that Stacy was probably meaning well and doing the best that she could, but you jumped up. You brushed your eyes with your sleeve.

“Maybe for you it was. Do you think I’m a child?”, You hissed, because you didn’t trust your voice yet.

“No, I think you are sixteen and acting like a crushing sixteen-year old! You have everything! Every little thing you need for a successful life! And your deliberately fucking it up because of one destructive girl that probably won’t even remember you after a few months” Stacy snapped and got up, throwing her hands in the air. She seemed..Jealous? But shit, that really stung. You turned around and started marching away, but she yelled:

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, it was mean”, You stopped, but didn’t turn around.

“I’m not gonna tell your parents anything, because I just want you to think. Maybe we’ll talk again in december”, Stacy said and you turned to the stairs, jumping them up two at a time. Your room still smelled like menthol and you locked the door, sliding to the floor. You pressed your head between your legs and tried to breathe. Maybe the time-bomb wasn’t even ticking anymore, maybe the explosions had already started.

That evening was bad. You wanted to talk to Carol, tell her everything and hear her say something like: ‘Why would you listen to that rigid bitch? She just wishes she actually lived at your house’

What Stacy had said actually made you scared. What if it was true? That Carol would just go on with her life as soon as they reached Texas. Laughing about the stupid rich kid she had fooled. You couldn’t go downstairs eat, you just couldn’t force yourself to look at Stacy. You felt ashamed. You didn’t do any homework, just sat there, all the candles lit, chewing your nails. Colin called and you talked with him for a while, trying to concentrate on his small problems and stories. He was a genuinely good person, and that made you feel even shittier. You hoped from the bottom of your heart that some sweet girl would lock him down. Your heart was still beating and not being able to relax, or think straight, you started cleaning. You couldn’t look at the bathroom door, or think about food. So you cleaned. Sorted all the drawers, cleaned your wardrobe, without looking at the pictures on the door. Cleaned out all the cigarette butts and candy wraps, tossed out the burnt out candles. You stuck the pictures of you and Ruby on the bottom of your drawer and her cherub face grinned at you. _‘You should try this lipstick, maybe it would make you a better person’_

You didn’t really hate Ruby. Well, maybe a little bit but you didn’t want to hurt her, either. You tossed Ruby’s old Cosmopolitans in the trash too. One of them was opened at the help-page. Basically you wrote about your problem and some pretentious bitch would answer and act like she cared.

“Yes, hello. I’ve accidentally said ‘I love you’ now twice. I’m too embarrassed to look at myself in the mirror and I’m also pretty sure my girlfriend is coming unhinged. And how do I get candle wax off of clothes? Thanks!”

After cleaning everything, you ran your fingers through the candle flame, seeing how slow you could do it without getting burnt. That ended up with your finger hurting like hell and conclusion: not very slow. The walls were smothering you. You heard your dad’s car pull up and the twins playing some video game. You had to get out. The phone rang, and it made you jump like a shot animal. You picked up the yellow landline and before you even managed to say anything, Carol blurted out:

“I’ll be there in ten, get outside”, And hung up. You were pretty sure you’d heard some argument going behind her speaking and you put down the phone. For a while you sat there, your brain stuck. Then you took your scarf and earmuffs and raced downstairs. You almost ran your father over and he spilled coffee on the floor.

“How many times have I told you not to run in the house?” He asked, even though the last time he’d told you that was when you were around seven. You mumbled something and walked past him.

“Going outside? The weather’s terrible”, He said after you.

“Just need some fresh air”, You said with a fake preppy voice and almost started running again to get past the kitchen where Stacy was cleaning up. It was close to nine and she was leaving, of course. She looked at you knowingly, she knew your secret now. You opened the door and realized what your dad had meant by terrible. The snow hadn’t melted, but there was a lot more of it. The wind was cold and hard and the falling snow was more like small icicles. You put on the fluffy earmuffs and jumped down the porch stairs. At the same time Alice’s car appeared and you raced down the driveway. You ripped open the car door and it was like your world was right again.

Carol grinned wide and stepped on the gas. She had a cigarette between her fingers and you leaned back into the seat, feeling a sick satisfaction seeing the house disappear into the snow blurry. You laughed.

“You’re seriously my saviour, I was this close to losing my mind in there”, You said and took off the earmuffs.

“You’re not the only one, dollface”, She said, but didn’t sound upset. Contrariwise, Carol was really happy. She was humming to the music and couldn't stay still. You’d seen that look before, she had plans. It felt weird, somehow charged. But it felt amazing to see her happy.

“Can you believe it, Barbara told me today that she’d met her _soulmate_! That fucking douchebag has nothing else in his brain than pussy, Barbie’s a fucking idiot not to see it”, Carol said mockingly. You had to agree with her. Barbara’s boyfriend was one of the most popular jocks, but everyone knew that he cheated on Barbara.

“Did she tell him? About the move?” You asked and Carol nodded, taking a drag from the cigarette. She had tossed her beanie and her hair was falling along her shoulders.

“Yeah, dumb move. She could’ve got at least a few fucks from him but to break up now? The move is still like a month away”, She said. This was getting way too close to uncomfortable subjects, like breaking up and moving away and the stuff Stacy had said earlier.

“But at least there’s some sense in Barb, se isn’t a total fucking bimbo after all”, Carol said, smiling to herself in a hungry way. You just now realized where you were going. To the park, with the little lake. The last time you’d been there was the night of drunk- denim-guy.

You took a deep breath.

“Listen, something happened”, You said, pressing your hands together. Carol left the car idling, and dumped her cigarette. She seemed instantly suspicious and you felt guilty for ruining her good mood.

“Stacy saw us”, You said. It took Carol a while to realize, she tilted her head confused and then it hit her. Her eyes widened and she hit the wheel.

“Fuck! That nosey bitch” You raised your hands.

“Wait, wait wait. It’s okay”, You stammered. Carol looked at you sceptically and she ran a hand through her hair.

“She isn’t gonna tell anyone-” You started but Carol let out a sarcastic laugh.

“And you believe that?” She said. You really didn’t want to fight right now so you counted to five in your head and continued:

“She just thinks I’m going through some rebel thing. And since you’re leaving, it won’t really matter”, You said. Okay, maybe you could’ve phrased that a little better. Carol was squeezing the wheel so tightly you could see the knuckles through the skin.

“I’m not leaving”, She said with a tight voice.

“What?” You asked stunned. Carol let go of the wheel and turned to you. She had a dark gleam in her eyes.

“I said I’m not leaving. You’ll see, we’re gonna fix this” Now you were completely off the rails. You didn’t get to say anything though, because she pushed her glasses up and kissed you. If the glasses were off you knew this was not going to be just kissing.

“Fucking Barbie, what the hell does she know about soulmates anyway”, She muttered against your neck, pulling off the scarf. You buried your face in her hair and the iron cage around your chest melted away a little.

“C’mon”, You said and slipped away, climbing over to the backseat. Carol pushed your ass and you almost fell in between the seats.

“Asshole”, You said to her when she climbed over the seat, but you still pulled her to your arms. She flashed her dimples at you and it was annoying how it made your heart flutter. The stereo was playing Joan Jett and the car was still humming. Carol’s hands slipped under your shirt and pressed against her, kissing up and down her neck. You knew the weak spot just above her collarbone and you bit the soft skin. You felt her shiver and groan and you smiled. She pulled off her plaid and you slithered off of the high waisted jeans. The door windows were fogging up and you were being quickly pressed against the backseat. if only Alice knew what went down in her car. You felt Carol’s whole body against you and she pulled the college shirt over your head. The cold hit your stomach but it was quickly replaced by her warmth. Her hands were everywhere and you felt the hot breath in your ear.

“I’m gonna make your fucking legs shake, dollface”, Carol murmured, and a little later with her head between your legs and your hands pulling her hair, she did.

 

“How the fuck can you see with these?” You asked, blinking with water in your eyes. You tried to look around but the vision was all wobbly. Carol snatched her glasses back.

“Some of us don’t have a perfect vision”, She said and tried to smooth her hair, that you had ruined again. You grinned and pulled on your jeans. Carol took a jawbreaker from her pocket and threw it into her mouth.

“You seem..happier than earlier today”, You said carefully.

“Yeah? So do you”, Carol answered suggestively and you rolled your eyes.

“Not what I meant”, You said and took her plaid shirt from under you and threw it at her. It was pretty clear that Carol wasn’t gonna explain any further, but you were sure it had something to do with Barbara. Something about the gymnastics show. Carol pulled on her shirt and jacket and climbed over to the driver seat. You went after her and wrapped on the big scarf. It felt cold to be sitting alone.

“Fuck, I haven’t studied at all”, You groaned and pressed your palms to your eyes. The fucking math test.

“You can just bullshit through it, believe me. Even our dear Katie will graduate this spring and she has never even opened a fucking book”, Carol said. You had almost forgotten that Katie was a senior. You wondered if the small group would still be friends with you even when Carol was gone. That was a selfish thought, but you couldn’t help it. Well, if Carol was even leaving, which she wasn’t according to her words. You frowned.

“Y’know you can tell me anything. If you ever feel like you might..” You weren’t sure how to finish the sentence. Carol made a tight turn and the snow was hitting the windshields.

“Lose it? Explode? Go crazy?” She asked with a tight grin. Was this some kind of joke to her? The notebook flashed behind your eyes. Maybe that was exactly what it was to her. 

“Well, yeah”, You said.

“Dollface, you do realize that you set my dad’s fucking car _on fire?_ ” She said and that shut you up. Then you had to laugh. Carol smiled too and you leaned your head against the cold window.

“Okay so I’m a huge fucking mess too, but I promised you, remember? And I don’t want you to do anything y’know, that would made everything worse”, You said. Carol didn’t answer, she just rolled the jawbreaker around in her mouth. Yep, still not explaining anything. You gave up and fell silent. You knew Carol’s mood swings pretty well and knew damn well that if she decided something she wouldn’t change her mind. Oh god, you didn’t want to go back home.

“What if we just didn’t go back and drove away?” You asked half playfully.

“You changed your mind about the blow up the town-idea?” Carol said and you shook your head.

“I’ll only do that if you get me the red rocket”, You answered and Carol made a fake upset face at you.

“Aw, I’ll have to sell a shit ton of weed to afford that”, She said and you smiled. Of course it was fun to fantasize, but the car still stopped in front of your house.

“See you tomorrow?” You asked, even though it was pretty obvious.

“Not going anywhere, dollface. Don’t set anything on fire”, Carol said and she ruffled your hair. You stuck your tongue out at her and climbed out of the car. It was freezing cold and you waved at the disappearing car. Carol raised her hand and drove away, like she always did. You were so sick of it, the stolen little moments.

You got quickly up the porch and inside. It was dark and silent and you walked slowly in the hallway. You hated this house, the fancy decor and polished floors. It was all just fake. You stared at the diplomas that were hung up on the wall. It was crushing to see how much your parents expected you to live up for. Honour was everything, you were pretty sure if you didn’t get through high school they would write you off the will. You put your hand in your pocket and noticed that there was a red lollipop in there. When had Carol put that there? You ripped open the paper and put it in your mouth, walking up the stairs like a zombie. Fuck honour and diplomas, without Carol, you would have nothing holding you here anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re getting close to the end of part one!<3   
> This chapter is also kind on preparation for the next two chapters, sorry!


	7. Burn It Down

High school smelled like hairspray and wet shoes even more than usual. Everyone was dragging in snow and dirt and trying to fluff up their ruined hairdo’s. You still didn’t want the day to end, because this was the last day you’d be here with the candy chewing girl next to you. Katie had brought Carol three full bags of candy and Josh and Mike had bought her cigarettes. Carol hated all kinds of pity, but didn’t refuse the gifts. You all were sitting under the stairs in the hallway and some passing students gave you weird looks. I mean sure, there was Mike who was a mathematics genius, Josh who looked like a potential serial killer, Katie who was wearing a long black skirt and a very large just as black rimmed hat and Carol in her dirty boots and covered with candy bags and cigarettes. And you, you probably just looked like shit. You hadn’t slept in days, but still acted like everything was okay. At this point your brain felt mushy like you were a bit high all the time. A few freshmen walked up to the small group.

“Hey Carol”, One of the boys said. Carol glared at him.

“Fuck off, I don’t have any weed on me. Business is over”, She snarled.

“Aw Carol, don’t be such a monster. They’re here to say goodbye, obviously”, Katie said and adjusted her giant hat. You wouldn’t be surprised if a few bats flew from under there. The freshmen moved around nervously and you were pretty sure they were here just for the weed. 

“Yeah, of course. Sucks that your moving, sorry”, Said a shorter boy from behind his friend. They had probably seen Carol break someone’s nose with a lunch tray. Or a book. Or her fists. Or with all of the above. Carol rolled her eyes and the boy took something from his backpack. 

“Real sorry, truly. Here”, He straightened his arm and he was holding a chocolate slab. You took the slab and added it to the pile. 

“So, ya know who we could..y’know”, The smaller boy started.

“Oh great guys, great timing! Get out of here”, Katie said and threw her hands in the air. That looked positively like she was trying to curse them. Maybe she did, for all you knew. Carol leaned back into the wall and you put your hand on her arm. 

“So Mike, you actually did something  _ illegal _ ?” You asked with a dramatic voice and pointed at the cigarettes. Mike flashed a nervous smile, but didn’t close his physics book.

“Well, Josh bought them. With his dad ID” He said. Josh didn’t say anything, he rarely did, but you thought he smiled a little behind his hair. Carol put her arm around your shoulder, which was pretty risky but hey, you were just a few friends comforting each other, of course! You still felt a sudden need to hide behind Katie’s hat when Colin stopped to look at you. He hid it very well, but his face tightened up a little. Carol on the other hand, held you a little harder and stared at Colin with outright hostile eyes. Colin still being a decent human being, just smiled and walked away. Shit, you had just ditched him completely in the past months. 

“What are we gonna do when Carol isn’t here to start all the fights?” Katie asked, sighing. She totally loved all the drama.

“Well the sidekick is still here”, Josh stated, looking at you with his uncomfortably blank eyes. 

“I do have a name y’know”, You said, probably more annoyed than you usually would’ve been. You just really didn’t want to talk about Carol leaving. Or anything else. You were kind of pretending that this was a normal day. 

“Yeah, Josh! It’s obviously- Oh shit, look the queen bee is coming”, Katie started but quietened down quickly. Barbara Denning was walking down the hallway with her trusted henchmen and for fuck’s sake, Ruby too. Now you seriously felt like running away, but Carol wasn’t moving an inch. She looked at her sister with an unimpressed look. 

“Great, Barbie and the official high school blow up dolls”, She groaned to you and you had to smile, even though your face felt stiff. Barbara didn’t do more than glance at you, like she didn’t even know Carol. It was a pretty impressive act, you had to give her that, but you knew how Barbara acted at the Dennings’. Ruby looked euphoric, getting to walk with them. Of course, there would be a slot open in the group when Barbara left. Suddenly you got up. Carol looked at you puzzled, and a little offended. 

“I’ll be right back”, You said to the group and walked after Ruby. Maybe it was all your exhausted brain’s fault, but you had to talk to her. 

Ruby was at her locker, which you knew was decorated with posters of many singers and models. She closed the door and flinched when she saw you standing behind it. Off to a great start.

“Jeez, fuck! What do you want?” She asked, sounding eerily like Barbara. 

“Can I talk to you, Ru?” You said, using the childhood nickname with intention. Ruby glanced around her to make sure none of the popular girls were around. 

“If you have to, but quickly. Y’know talking to you is pretty much a social suicide”, She said. Ouch, brutal but honest. You swallowed.

“I know that you think that this is what you need. That you need like all this validation from others but you don’t. Just because everyone else spreads nasty shit, don’t mean you have to”, You said. Ruby raised her eyebrows, holding her books tighter. Her hair was so big and curly that she had probably styled it several hours. 

“We don’t talk for months and this is what you’re gonna say to me? Are you trying to collect back your friends now that your psycho-dyke is leaving? Except that you don’t have any left. If you don’t count those fucking weirdos as your friends”, She hissed at you and you took a step back. She quickly realized what she’d said and bit her painted lip. Again, really mean but probably true. 

“But just so you know, I haven’t spread anything about you, I swear! I did hear a couple of rumours though..” She said and you saw a blink of the old Ruby. You clenched your fist, almost expecting to feel the lighter.

“Really, what? From who?” You asked her with a tense voice and Ruby looked around again. Then she leaned closer and said:

“Well some girls had heard that you had a threeway with Carol and some old dude, in his car”, She looked like she was dying to know the truth. You cringed, you suddenly felt like you were covered in something gross. Was this about Carol’s dealer?

“Ew, what the fuck!” You groaned and made a gesture with your hands. Ruby looked almost disappointed.

“So not true?” She asked.

“Not true, Ruby”, You stated and you two almost smiled at each other.

“I knew it. I mean in a car, that’s nasty”, She said and you couldn’t really reply anything to that. You heard someone call Ruby’s name and some blonde girls were standing at the doors, waiting for her. Ruby quickly threw her backpack onto her shoulders and gave you a fast goodbye-look. Then the old Ruby disappeared and she was just another one of the popular girls again. 

 

You stood still for awhile, but turned around slowly. You walked back to your little weirdo group and slid next to Carol. She was telling the glass of ice-story that everyone had heard already about a hundred times already.

The bell rung, but you didn’t move. You had chem next and you and Carol were in different classes. She didn’t move either, even though the rest of the group got up and waved goodbye. 

“Did you know that apparently we had a threesome with Dean, according to Ruby at least”, You said and pretended to stick her fingers down her throat.

“Well shit, I had no idea. Gotta plan that too, but do you think Dean would mind if we just left him out?” She asked and ruffled your hair. You rolled your eyes. 

“Soon someone is gonna come and ask for a hall pass”, You said. Carol collected up all her gifts in her backpack. 

“Spending the rest of the day in detention would definitely be amazing, dollface”, Carol said sarcastically. You laughed but it sounded dry. Carol leaned her arms to her knees and looked at you.

“So, you wanna go?” She asked.

“Carol Denning, are you trying to get me to ditch class, again?” You said, crossing your arms. Carol stuck a cigarette between her lips and smirked.

“I don’t have to try, dollface”, She said and you had to admit that she was right. 

 

Carol’s room was filled with cardboard boxes. They were all labelled and the walls that had earlier been filled with posters looked now oddly plain. The green armchair was also gone, but definitely not forgotten. Carol’s stereo was still on the floor and it was playing quietly, because the whole family was home. You were going through her records and magazines, showing them to her and then throwing them either to the save pile or to trash.

“Are you  _ crazy? _ No way in hell I’m throwing that away”, Was a sentence you had heard already too many times, Carol couldn’t give up any of the tapes. You chew your gum and blew pink bubbles, while the snow still kept coming outside. You could distantly hear furniture being moved around, Barbara complaining and Alice’s stressed voice, but it was easy to ignore them. You felt strange, kind of frozen in place. Carol’s room had always been a place where you just kind of forgot that time exists. 

 

You took a Hurriganes tape and flashed it to Carol. She was packing clothes in one of the boxes, or to be precise, just tossing them in there.

“Let me guess, no way in hell you’re throwing this one away?” You said and popped the small bubble you had just blown. Carol tilted her head trying to see the text on the tape. 

“Yeah, saving that”, She stated. 

“Just asking, have you actually bought any of these? With your own money?” You said with a sarcastic tone in your voice and Carol smirked.

“I don’t know what you mean, dollface”, She said innocently.

You put the tape in the small box that was starting to fill up. Carol cleared up her throat and you raised your head. She was holding your black and green-striped shirt. You raised an eyebrow.

“Ya mind if I steal this?” She asked, giving you the full puppy eyes. You pretended to consider it for a while.

“Well, you basically have already stolen it. But go ahead, it can be your christmas present”, You said and she grinned. You wouldn’t admit it but the shirt looked a lot better on Carol anyway. She unbuttoned her shirt and you suddenly forgot about the tapes, and everything else too. The gum bubble deflated and Carol looked at you over her glasses and you were pretty damn sure that if the house wasn’t filled with people you would’ve just jumped her. 

Instead, she pulled on the striped shirt, that still looked good with her jeans and the same boots she had worn everyday for the whole time you had known her. Carol seemed satisfied for a while but then she suddenly frowned.

“Oh fuck, you shouldn’t have said that it was a gift”, She said. 

“What, why? Should I put a bow on it, if you just let me take it off first” You said, smiling. 

“No, dumbass. Because I don’t have anything for you”, She said, starting to throw stuff out from the boxes. 

“Huh, don’t worry ‘bout it”, You said. It really wasn’t a big deal, you had just been joking around. But then you realized that Carol probably felt like this was her only chance. She wouldn’t be around actual when it was actually christmas. You bit the inside of your mouth and tried to continue sorting the tapes, but Carol was pretty much blowing the whole room up. She slid open the wardrobe doors that you had once hid behind and started looking at the shelves. 

“Ha! Found you”, She said and picked something up from the bottom shelf. You tried to look but she had her back turned on you. You crossed your legs and threw some of the tapes that you knew she never listened to in the trash box. 

 

Carol turned to you and sat on the floor in front of you.

“Gimme your hand”, She said and you straightened your arm. Carol pushed the sleeve back and you felt something cold against your skin. Carol struggled a while with the lock but then backed away. You looked at the bracelet and started smiling. It was so small it felt tight around your wrist, probably because it was meant for children. You had seen these bracelets in the slot machines in the mall. This one had a small red rocket ship in the middle and two stars on both sides. It was so weirdly sweet that you felt your eyes get wet.

“I swear to God if you start to bawl now-”, Carol warned you. You shook your head. 

“I don’t even remember how I got that but I knew I still had it. So merry christmas, I guess”, She said, sighing. You had to wipe your eyes and Carol didn’t seem to know how to act. 

“I have literally thrown up on you, but this is the time you decide you don’t know what to say?” You asked and let out a slightly sob-like laugh. 

“I just don’t like seeing you cry, makes me feel-”, She started and made a face like she had smelled something bad.

“ _ Emotions?”  _ You said in a fake spooky voice. Carol rolled her eyes.

“Shut up, dollface. I don’t fucking know, because when you cry I just start thinking who hurt you and how fast can I beat their ass. But I can’t fucking stand it if you cry because of me”, She said, not looking you in the eyes. You gave a little lopsided smile and leaned in. The bracelet in your wrist jingled a little when you put your hands on Carol’s shoulders and she turned her head like it was a natural instinct. You kissed her gently and to your surprise, she didn’t even try to turn it into anything else. Instead, she kissed you back and for a moment it was just the two of you, sitting in the floor of an empty room. She pulled you closer and you gladly wrapped your legs around her waist. Carol always held her hands against the arch of your back, in a possessive, protecting way. Sometimes it was just a slight touch in the school cafeteria or while walking home. Sometimes it was hard and her nails dug into your skin, leaving red marks. But it always made you feel safe. 

 

Someone knocked on the door and you heard Debbie call:

“Car, you in there?”

You half jumped and Carol pushed you off so quickly that you almost fell on your back. The tapes flew around the floor and you cursed. Carol wiped her mouth and turned around with a totally different expression. 

“What the fuck do you want?” She yelled and the door opened. Debbie was standing in the doorway with her lap full of coats. Your face was still red and you tried to look like you were just casually tidying up.

“I can’t find my training shoes, the ones with the pink lace”, She said. Carol got up and started throwing her clothes again in the box.

“I don’t have your fucking shoes”, She said. Again you couldn’t quite understand how her little sister could piss Carol off so much. 

“Mom said that you had been packing the clothes”, Debbie said, putting the coats in one of the big boxes. Carol taped the box shut with her movements so aggressive that Debbie flinched. That made you feel bad. 

“Well too late now, I’ve packed everything so why don’t you piss off”, Carol said and she automatically started tapping her pockets for her cigarettes.

“Carol, language!” Alice said, appearing to the door too. Carol turned around, rolling her eyes. Alice glared at her middle daughter but started smiling when she saw you.

“You’re such a sweetheart for helping, even though Carol can’t even bother to say thank you”, She said. Carol kicked one of the boxes, pretending to tape them shut.

“It’s really no bother”, You said politely.

“C’mon darling, look again from your training bag. And you-”, Alice said, directing her words at Carol.

“Are you even listening, Carol?” She demanded when Carol didn’t turn around. Carol let out some sound and you saw her clench her fists.

“Remember to pack the christmas decorations too. The moving truck will be here at eleven tomorrow. Can’t you just once do what I tell you to, I swear to god..”, Alice said and went after Debbie. Carol slammed the door shut so hard that it shook the walls and lit up a cigarette. 

“We’ll still see tonight, right? And I’ll come by in the morning too” You asked and walked up to her. Carol took a long drag and looked at you, trying to smile.

“Yeah, of course. I’m gonna stick around at your house as long as possible and annoy the shit out of Stacy while I still have a chance”, She said, trying to joke but her voice still sounded angry. 

“I’m scared”, You said honestly. You and Carol never had had the serious talk, about what would happen after the move. You had tried, but at some point Carol would just pretty much shut down and you weren’t great with talking either. Your sleep deprived brain couldn’t really even process the facts and you didn’t even want it to, because then you would absolutely break down. Carol blew the smoke from her lips and you leaned to the wall. 

“Don’t be”, She said, with a determined voice. 

“See you at my house tonight?” You had to make sure, and Carol nodded. 

“Even if my f ü hrer dad won’t let me go, I’ll just climb of the window and steal a car if I have to”, She said. 

“Wow, pretty convincing, I’m swooning already”, You said and Carol grinned, leaning next to you. 

“I said I’d do pretty much anything for you”, Carol said smiling and kissed you with the cigarette still in her hand. She pressed you against the wall and you her hand held your jaw, while the cigarette smoke floated around her face. You had no idea that that was the last time you kissed Carol Denning. 

 

“We won the football match today!” Jacob told you happily when you sat at the table. Stacy had made your favourite food and you appreciated the gesture, even though it was fueled with pity.

“Oh that’s great!” You said and high-fived both of the boys. Even if you weren’t around much, you still loved your brothers a lot. Carol and Barbara’s hatred for their sisters felt even weirder to you. You couldn’t help but stare at your watch every five minutes. Stacy glanced at you over the table and you quickly started shoveling food into your mouth. 

“So your parents are going to be home the whole weekend”, Stacy said in a conversation like way. You raised your eyebrows at her, your mouth still full of food.

“So you have a few days off,?” You asked and she nodded. Tomorrow was only friday, but Stacy usually left a day early if she was going to visit her parents. The twins didn’t even seem happy about the fact that their parents were going to be home and that creeped you out a bit.

“But you’ll come back, right?” Justin asked, a serious worry in his voice. Stacy smiled.

“Of course” She said. Wonderful, your parents would probably witness you being a giant fucking mess. That would surely raise their hopes about you.

 

You weren’t moving from the living room couch. You stared out into the cold evening, at the white streets and dark sky. What the fuck, she should be here by now. You glanced at your watch probably for the thousandth time in the last few hours. Stacy had left and your parents had come home, but you had dodged any conversations with groans and short answers. You flicked the lighter on and off. Was her dad keeping her home? Any moment now you should see the car pull up on the driveway. But seconds turned into minutes and you tried to call the Dennings’ again. No one picked up.

“Something wrong?” Your mother asked, mainly because she was annoyed by your restlessness. You put the phone down with too much force. Something must be wrong.

“I don’t know, Carol was supposed to come by. As you know, she is moving tomorrow”, You said, trying to guilt your mom into being nice. She looked at the big old clock on the wall.

“Well it’s almost eleven, it’s way too late now. You should go to bed, have you even done your homework? There are almost too many distractions for you”, She said. You sighed and turned your gaze back in the street. Carol never ditched plans, never. For fuck’s sake, you ignored one call and she would storm over here instantly. But how could you sneak out now, when it was cold as hell, you couldn’t even drive and your mom was right there watching tv. The lighter went on and off, on and off.

“Where did you even get that? Are you a smoker now?” Your mom asked, finishing what you had counted to be her third glass of wine. You didn’t answer. You felt like the cold feeling around your chest was growing. The landline looked about three times bigger than normally and your breath was fogging up the window. All the noises were way too loud and precise and you were thankful when your mother got up and turned off the lights. She hadn’t said a word to your dad, maybe they were fighting again. Even though your anxiety was going off the roof, your eyes still felt heavy. Jesus fucking christ. It was half past eleven now. You had tried calling two more times, but no answer, of course. Now you started coming up with crazy scenarios in your head. You pulled your legs close to your chest and tried to take deep breaths. She wasn’t coming, the rational side of your brain said. But you were still going to wait. An ambulance went past your house, with sirens blazing and that made you almost jump. What direction was it going? No, don’t be crazy. There’s no way in hell that something had happened. You got up and even walked up to the door, before stopping. Don’t do anything stupid, or you won’t see Carol even in the morning. You returned back to the sofa still wearing your coat and curled up on it. You felt kind of betrayed, and worried. Where the hell was she? After many hours, your tired brain gave in. 

 

Ugly noise ripped you out of sleep. You jerked and fell to the floor, hitting your head in the corner of the coffee table. You cursed and realized what the sound was. The phone was ringing violently. Your head felt heavy and fuzzy and you were sweating, probably because you were still wearing your jacket. You scrambled to the phone and picked it up. The clock was around seven thirty in the morning and everyone else was still sleeping.

“Hello?” You mumbled into the phone. Your knees felt a little weak when last night came slowly back to you. Thank god it was still early, you would not have ever forgiven yourself if you’d slept past the moving truck. 

“Fuck, finally someone picks up!” You heard Katie say loudly in the phone. You rubbed your face.

“Hi Katie, something wrong?” You asked, even though you really couldn’t handle anything more at this point. 

“Yes, well not with me! But you need to get your ass over to the Dennings’ ”, She said. You hadn’t remembered that Katie lived only a block away from Carol. You blinked, instantly waken up. Your heart jumped to your throat.

“Oh shit, is Carol okay, has their dad-” You asked, with your hands shaking.

“I think she is okay, but I don’t know. I saw an ambulance and a police car and all that other shit! Listen, Debbie is  _ dead _ ”, She breathed and your fingers went numb. 

“Dead?” You said, with a blank voice. 

“Yeah. I said I don’t know but my sister told me and- Holy shit there was another police car literally just now”, She said and you heard the sirens through the landline. You hung up fast and zipped up your coat. You heard someone come down the stairs but didn’t turn around to look. You were out of the door fast and jumped over the porch stairs. The cold air hit against your face and you almost slipped on the snow. You had no idea how you’d get to the other side of the town but that didn’t matter anymore. 

 

Katie ran out of her house when you walked past it. She was wearing pink bunny slippers and old rolling stones t-shirt with baggy pants and you would have laughed if your world wasn’t currently crumbling down. Her black hair was pointing everywhere and she looked like she hadn’t slept at all. All the scars in her arms looked brutal in the bright morning. She didn’t seem to care, Katie just followed you. There was still one police car outside the Denning house. An officer stepped out of the house when you climbed to the porch. You could see through the door that all the moving boxes were still in place and there was some pizza on the table.

“Miss, I have to ask you to leave”, The officer said.

“What happened, where is everyone? Are they okay?” You asked with a tight voice. Your hands were freezing and you wish you had mittens. Katie came beside you too, crossing her arms. She didn’t look very intimidating at the moment. 

“Please, I’m the sisters’ friend. I’m worried”, You said, trying very much to sound just like a worried peer. The officer gave you a glance and closed the door.

“Everything is fine, miss. The family is currently in the hospital, identifying the body”, He said and quickly realized he’d talk too much.

“So someone did die?” Katie asked sharply. 

“I suggest that you come visit later, when everything has settled down. This was just a tragedy, I’m sure”, The police officer said firmly. You noticed that both of the cars were missing from the driveway. 

“Why were there so many police cars, then?” Katie asked and you grabbed her arm. She was only pissing the officer off. 

“C’mon, they are not home anyway”, You said. You went down the porch and your feet felt like icicles. Katie kicked snow with her pink slipper.

“Wanna come to our house? So we’ll see when they come home and stuff?” She asked. You weren’t sure why Katie was being so nice. Maybe she felt bad for you, or maybe she was intrigued by the assumed death. Anyway, you nodded and followed Katie back into the small brown house. 

 

Those hours went by in a blur. You couldn’t really concentrate in anything and you just spent the long hours watching movies in Katie’s old couch. Her parents were very nice working class people and it was clear that they did not understand their daughter, but still loved her very much. You jumped at any sound and ran to the window, but none of the car’s belonged to the Dennings’. You were pretty sure you slept a little at some point and Katie’s dog, a huge pitbull, drooled all over your jeans. Katie speculated about what might have happened, and you tried to seem interested, but really you couldn’t think about it like that. You just wanted to talk to Carol. At some point you went outside and noticed one car outside the house. Katie stuck her head out of the window but you said:

“They are probably very overwhelmed, I should go alone”, Katie frowned but agreed, reluctantly.

 

You had to force yourself to walk calmly, even though you wanted to run and bang on the door. The police car was gone, and you could see lights in the living room. You knocked on the door, harder than you had meant to. You heard some rambling from inside and voices but no one answered. You knocked again, this time four times. The door opened when you still had your hand lifted. It was Carol’s dad, Ronnie. He looked somehow off. Tired, angry and a little drunk. He had a beer bottle in his hand he squinted his eyes to recognize your face.

“Of fucking course it’s you”, He said somewhat clearly. You stepped inside, looking frantically around. Nothing had moved, even the pizza was still there. Only new thing was Alice. She had a cigarette in her shaky hand and the ashtray was full of fresh butts. She had a load of papers in front of her, calendars, legal documents, leaflets. Her eyes were patchy with mascara and she seemed to be slightly hysterical. Her leg was tapping fast on the floor, the same restless habit Carol had. 

“I just, I came to..I heard the news, I am so very sorry for your loss”, That seemed like the appropriate thing to say. Ronnie took a big jug of the bottle and wandered around the cardboard boxes like he was lost. He hit his toe on a table corner and cursed. The creeping feeling that something was terribly wrong grew stronger. You knew that the Dennings’ dad had a problem with drinking, but at a day like this? And leaving Alice all alone to do the paperwork? You took a few steps closer to Alice, touching lightly her hand to get her attention. You didn’t like Alice very much, but the woman was a mess. Her eyes shot up at you and you didn’t see any sense in her eyes. She twitched at your touch and drew her hand away fast, taking a long drag of her cigarette. 

“Ya see? This is what I’m fucking left with. All of this!” She sobbed and slammed the papers up and down. The hairs in the back of your neck were creeping up. You heard Ronnie take another beer from the fridge. Alice covered her mouth with the back of her hand and let out a hiccup. 

“C-can I help you with something?” You tried to ask, but she started moving the papers again. It was obvious that she got nothing actually done, even the pen was out of ink. Alice didn’t answer for a while, she dumped her cigarette and lit a new one immediately. Then she turned to you again and this time you saw some reason in her face. She looked devastated.

“I just have to ask, if you don’t mind”, She said and you shook your head. 

“Did you know?” She breathed. Ronnie had stopped wandering and he turned to look at you from the other side of the kitchen table. You felt uneasy.

“Know what?” You asked, rubbing your hands together. Where the  _ hell _ was Carol? Alice let out a sob-like laugh and some cigarette ash fell on the documents. Ronnie stared at you with a blank, drunk face. 

“Of course you knew, you followed her around everywhere, didn’t you? Fucking bitches”, Ronnie muttered. 

“I really don’t understand, where are Barb and Carol?” You asked, but that was obviously the wrong question, because Alice bit her teeth so hard together you heard a sickening crunch. 

“Did you know what they were like? What they  _ did?  _ I mean, I always knew Carol was a disappointment, but not Barbara! She was always so well behaved. Even when Carol would pull her hair or kick her”, Now Alice was just blabbering away, lost again. You wanted to bolt out of the door, but couldn’t. 

“Alice, shut the fuck up”, Ronnie groaned, but Alice didn’t listen probably for the first time in her life. 

“And Debbie, my perfect little girl. I am so proud of her. Her first show, I cried, and to think that she was a fat child once, I took care of that of course-” Alice mumbled but then something crashed in the wall just beside you. You smelled beer and the glass shards flew across the room. You jumped automatically away, but Ronnie marched to you. He grabbed your hand and you tried to push him away from you. 

“Ya wanna know where those little shits are? You wanna know what they did? Wouldn’t be surprised if you were a part of it too, no not at all surprised little miss”, He breathed and he reeked like alcohol. You stopped moving and stared at him with wide eyes. Ronnie smiled, but it was not a pleasant smile. It sent shivers down your spine. 

“Pushed the car to the lake, right there in the park. Car in the lake and Debbie inside too. Then they came back home, crying and shit and we believed them. But I knew, I saw. I saw no remorse, my own fucking daughters and when they thought I didn’t see, I saw the four-eyes smile. I knew, and then they found the car lock buttons. That’s what they did, my own daughters”, He hissed, his face close to yours. Your heart was going at an odd rhythm and your fingers twitched. 

“See, your face is full of guilt. Fucking rich bitch, kids like you never get schooled for anything. I bet you were in it too, followed Carol around like a mouse that’s what you did. Well now they’re in jail and I’m gonna make fucking sure that they are gonna stay there for a long time, you can be sure of that little miss perfect. And I’m gonna teach you, teach you right you can be goddamn sure of that”, He said and your hand was going numb. Alice wailed and Ronnie turned to look for a second and then you ripped your hand out of his grip and you raced out of the door. You heard Ronnie yell and Alice cry louder and then a horrible thumping noise. You didn’t turn around to look, you just ran and ran faster than you had ever run before and didn’t stop even when your loins felt like they were on fire.

 

You remembered having the lighter in your hand and then your world blacked out.

The remains of a burnt trash can smelled sharply like plastic. At least it had only been a trash can, and not a car or a dumpster. You were still riding the high and it was the only thing that kept your legs walking and you from going insane. You had fallen down at some point and you had blood on your chin. The worst part was, even though you were shocked, you weren’t  _ that _ shocked. And that made you feel like absolute garbage. The notebook, the intense, pure hate..-For some reason you remembered the night when Carol had almost ran over those two girls. Had you seen any guilt or fear in her eyes? All those fights, the drunk guy on the street, all of the things that you had just disregarded as part of her. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Had you been blind? Probably. The bracelet felt three times heavier than before and you stared at the small red rocketship. Had it been just yesterday? You almost fell down again just because you didn’t have the energy to move your legs enough. You had to get to the police station. You hadn’t noticed that you were walking home before you were almost there. And there were people in your frontyard. You made your exhausted legs walk faster and wiped the dried blood off your bruised chin. As soon as you came closer, the people switched their attention to you. And then the first camera flashed. You stared at the person, not realizing what was happening. There weren’t many of them, they appeared to be on the same crew. One of them had a fluffy microphone and she tried to talk to you, getting up in your face.

“A few words for the magazine, Miss Robertson?” She yelled but your mom was screaming you to come inside from the porch. The crew followed you up to the porch, almost inside the door.

“Please leave now, or the police will remove you”, Your mother said, but the people just took a few steps back, not threatened. That was probably because there already was a police car on the street. Your mother looked at you with weird expression and closed the door. You followed her into the living room and you stood still when you saw the two police officers sitting in your living room couch. It looked like your mom had served them lemonade, which she never did. 

“Miss Robertson?” The officer asked and got up.

“Yes”, You mumbled slowly.

“We need you to come with us for a while”, She stated and her partner stood up too.

“Why?” You asked, your tired brain still a blur. She looked at you like you were pretty slow, and to be honest, you were. 

“To answer some questions”, Her partner, a dark skinned man said reassuringly. You switched your gaze to him. He was trying to seem as nice as possible, probably not to intimidate you. 

“About what?” You asked and the female officer cleared her throat. It felt like someone had tied your insides into a tight knot

“The murder of Debbie Denning”, She said. Of course. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your patience with this x  
> All of the feedback has been super lovely and it's crazy that we're getting close to the end of this!


	8. Teen Idle Vol.2

Looking back a year, never in your life would’ve you thought that you’d end up in the police interrogation room, but somehow here you were. Sitting across two officers in a room that was blank and suffocating, with a large glass window on one wall. Your whole body was so tense that every noise and movement felt too big or loud. The female officer had some papers in front of her in a binder and she looked at you in the same way as many teachers at your high school.

“So Miss Robertson, many people have told us that you and younger miss Denning are pretty tight. In her father’s words ‘Wherever one goes, the other followed’ “ She said. You nodded, there was no point in denying it. 

“What about Barbara, are you friends with her too?” She continued. 

“No, not really. We hung at very different groups and Barbara was always kind of a bitch- Sorry”, You said and corrected yourself quickly. 

“It’s okay. When did you first meet Carol Denning?” The black male officer asked, with a pen in his hand. You bit your lip and thought a while.

“A little over a year ago, during the winter. The Dennings’ moved here and she was in my social studies class”, You said. That was kind of the sugar-coated version. Really you’d met Carol for the first time in the girls bathroom, where you had went to throw up and she’d went to smoke. Real romantic. But the social studies class part was also true.

 

_ “Oh jeez, that’s nasty. Can’t you throw up your lunch somewhere else?” You heard a voice say from behind you. You wiped your mouth and looked over your shoulder. There was a girl sitting on the edge of the sink, with a cigarette in her hand and notebook on her lap. _

_ “Can’t you go smoke your cancer sticks somewhere else, then?” You said with a harsh voice and brushed your hair back. _

_ “Cancer sticks, really? Did you learn that in the bible study?” She said and took a long drag of the cigarette, blowing the smoke out between her lips. You didn’t remember seeing her before. The girl had a light brown hair and big glasses, and she was wearing boots that had gone out of style probably five years ago. You rolled your eyes at her and got up, flushing the toilet. You picked up your backpack and walked to the sink next to her, taking out perfume. You stared at your reflection, swollen cheeks and puffy eyes. The girl had gone back to her doodles. You splashed some water on your face and sprayed on the perfume.  _

_ “So are you the pills- and-vodka kind of girl or the perfect daughter who throws up everything she eats?” She asked, without lifting her eyes from the notebook. You weren’t sure if you were annoyed or intrigued, probably both. The girl dumped her cigarette in the sink.  _

_ “I’m not sure. Probably the I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing- kind of girl”, You stated.  _

_ “Oh you’re one of the sisters, aren’t you? Who just moved here”, You continued and the girl’s jaw tensed. She took a lollipop from her pocket and popped it into her mouth. Then she looked at you up and down, like she was considering continuing the conversation. _

_ “Carol Denning”, She said at last. She seemed so defensive, like she was almost challenging you to say something rude.  _

_ “Well hello, Carol Denning”, You said a bit sarcastically. She scoffed. _

_ “And you got a name, ‘girl who doesn’t know what the fuck she is doing?’” _

 

“Has she shown signs of aggression or dangerous behaviour during the time you have known her?”, The red haired female officer interrupted and you glared at her. Fucking hell. You were on the edge of lying and telling the truth.

“Well, I mean she always had a quick temper and sometimes she got into fights”, You settled for a half-truth.

“Statements from the authorities in your highschool say that Carol had hit other student in the face with a tray, got in many fistfights and filled one girl’s backpack with cat feces”, Red haired woman said. All of those things had actually happened, but to be fair the cat shit thing had been your idea. You didn’t know what to answer so you just fiddled with the sleeves of your shirt.  She took something out of her binder and set it on the table. It was Carol’s notebook. She opened it and handed it to you. The same cartoon-y pictures stared at you, but this time you couldn’t even look at the Debbie ones. You didn’t feel especially terrible yet but you figured that that would kick in too. 

“Did you know that she had this, or about these drawings?” The officer asked. You pushed the notebook back.

“I knew about the notebook and she showed me some of these too. But we used to joke around a lot about fucked up things”, You said. 

“You weren’t worried? There’s quite a lot of pictures of you in here, too”, The male officer said. You liked him much better than the fake redhead. You shook your head. Why the fuck were you lying, of course you had been worried. You were so deep in your thoughts that the next question threw you completely off.

“Miss Robertson, were you in a romantical relationship with miss Denning?” 

You went mute for a moment and your hands jerked weirdly. Both of the officers, or detectives, stared at you. A hundred thoughts raced through your head at the same time. You thought about how this affected anything in any way. You wondered if they thought that you were some kind of a motive. You wondered if you  _ actually were _ a motive. You thought about the reporters at your house and what kind of shitshow this could become. You thought about your parents and your friends. And at last you thought about gay people in prison. And you said:

“No, no. She’s my best friend”, Once again, a lie but that was also true. Carol was your best friend. Redhead called your bullshit, but didn’t say anything. She was going through the notebook, looking for some exact page. You clenched your hands into fists to keep them from shaking. You liked to think that you were a good liar, but at this moment you doubted yourself highly. what the fuck were you doing lying to murder investigators, anyway? The bitchy redhead smiled smugly at the page, even though she tried to suppress it. Then she handed the notebook to you. 

“Maybe you could explain this, then?” You drew a slightly too sharp breath. You touched the page gently, stunned. It was you, again. This wasn’t like the other cartoon-y characters though. This was a proper, beautiful sketch. It really looked like you, all the lines and untamable hair. The thing was, you were topless and reading a comic book. You knew instantly when she had drawn that, even though you had been very drunk that night. You felt your cheeks go red, it was only a drawing but it still felt weird that the detectives had seen you topless. You were also very aware that they were examining your reactions carefully. You put the notebook down, raised your head and tried to smile.

“Last summer, we went skinny dipping. Sounds dumb, I know”, You said and let out a laugh that hopefully sounded embarrassed. The redhead’s lips turned into a thin line and she put the notebook away.

 

They asked you some more questions about what was the last time you’d seen Carol, about their family, relationships amongst the sisters, all that jazz. Those were questions that you were able to answer honestly. You weren’t sure how long you were there, but your leg had gone to sleep and you had a small headache from all the questions. At last the male officer closed his binder and the redhead got up. Oh she didn’t like you, at all.

“Thank you, miss Robertson. I’m sure we’ll be in touch very soon”, She said bitterly. You resisted an urge to flash her the middle finger. She left, but the other officer stayed and he looked at you with a puzzled look.

“We are not here to judge, you know”, He said. Well, maybe he wasn’t, but many other officers definitely judged. And the public, and your parents, and your peers. 

“I’m just, I’m so confused and exhausted. I just want to see Carol, to understand  _ anything _ ”, You said and you didn’t have to fake the tired sound in your voice. 

“Trust me, seeing her won’t be the answer to any of your questions. It would only make you feel worse”, He said and started gathering his things. You bit your lip. 

“But could I? Even for a few minutes, I promise! Maybe then I could answer some more questions”, Okay now you were just leading him on. But he seemed to have some sympathy for you. The officer rubbed his forehead with his fingers.

“No, not while they are still waiting for trial”, He stated and your hopeful look disappeared. You touched his hand. 

“Please, five minutes”, You said quietly. He didn’t answer for a while, and you didn’t move an inch. You felt the hairs in the back of your neck rise up from anticipation, but at last he said:

“Oh fucking hell, fine. But it’s not going to do you any good. I’ll get you the five minutes”

 

If the interrogation room had been oppressive, this was even more. A small table and two chairs, no windows, one door. The door had a big window, though and you could see the surveillance camera in the corner of the ceiling. Every sound seemed to disappear into the concrete walls. Your hands were in tight fists in your lap. You had had to leave your lighter at the front desk. 

The door opened and you jerked upwards. It was the same officer from before.

“You sure?” He asked and you nodded. Then he stepped aside and two more men came in. Between them walked Carol, and for a while you had the strangest feeling. A strong  déjà vu, and it almost made you laugh. The same kind of situation had happened last spring, you waiting outside of the principals office and Carol getting walked out with two teachers. The difference was, that time she was grinning even though she was getting suspended. This time she didn’t smile. She was wearing an overall that was the same dirty gray colour as the walls, and her hands were in cuffs. Her hair was messier than usually, probably because of the lack of mirrors and products, and you knew she hated that. You almost couldn’t look at her face. Your stare lingered somewhere around her collarbones, but then you decided not to be a pussy. The men sat Carol, who showed attitude at them shoving her, down in front of you and walked back to the door.

“I’ll be back soon. If something happens, you just press that”, He said and pointed at the button on the table to your right. You nodded again and he closed the door. You could heard Carol breathing and tapping her foot and you raised your gaze to meet her. She didn’t look you in the eye, either. Her face was pale and her bottom lip looked like she had been biting it, as always when she couldn’t smoke. Her brows were drawn together and the dark eyes seemed to be looking anywhere else but you. 

You drew a breath and put your hands on the table. The first thing that you wanted to blurt out was: “What the fuck, Carol?” But that didn’t seem like very reasonable choice. 

“I’m not gonna cry”, You said, trying to sound as confident as you could. 

“Yeah fucking right”, She said and rubbed her nose clumsily with the back of her hand. The cuffs let out a loud noise and she cringed. 

“Can’t fucking smoke in here because of some bullshit rule, every little sound is making me crazy. And Barbie with her hysteric whining isn’t helping, either”, She stated. Did Carol really just want to chit-chat? You weren’t here for that.

“Carol Amber Denning, you look here right fucking now”, You said and to your surprise, she did. She still smelled lightly like menthol cigarettes, but the smoke-free time had done it’s job. She looked at you and brown eyes behind the big glasses looked pitch black. 

“I was in questioning earlier”, You said. Carol’s mouth twitched.

“Oh shit, they don’t think you did anything, do they? What did they want to know, fucking assholes”, She said and kicked the table leg.

“No, I don’t think so. They just asked a bunch of questions about you and Barbara. They had your notebook. And...I told them that you are my best friend”, You said, putting a lot of emphasis on your words to get the message through. For a fleeting moment, Carol looked like you had stabbed her. She tilted her head before getting what you meant.

“Yeah, of course”, She said and her tone sounded like a mix of annoyance and disappointment. You tried to touch her hand, but she drew it away. You let out a sigh.

She blew a few hairs out of her face.

“I did it”, She said. You raised your eyebrows. 

“Killed Debbie, I know”, Your voice cracked when you said Debbie and you gave yourself a mental slap. Carol’s face seemed to darken immediately, but she shook her head.

“No, I made you break your promise”, She said you felt a lump in your throat. 

“No, no you didn’t”, You whispered. Carol lifted her head and let out a cold laugh.

“Don’t fucking lie, dollface. You’re scared shitless”, She said. You swallowed the lump in your throat. Was this really the moment she wanted to fight? 

“You fucking  _ idiot _ . Carol why the fuck did you have to do this? We could’ve been out of here in a year” You cried out and Carol slammed the table with her hands. You twitched and now her eyes were full of anger, but not in any way you had seen before. They were manic.

“You don’t  _ fucking  _ know what it was like! You don’t fucking know, so don’t take it out on me!” She yelled, leaning over the table. You felt tears roll down your cheeks, but didn’t bother to wipe them off. Carol leaned back and seemed to calm down, but the manic glimmer in her eyes didn’t fade.

“This is a giant fucking mess. They are gonna put me away, for a long damn time. Dad’s gonna make sure of that. And Barb is trying to pin the whole shit on me, fucking coward bitch. Trying to act all innocent, she did all the planning, anyway”, She muttered. You took a shaky breath. Once again, Carol seemed to be only worried about herself. it was almost like she was proud of what she’d done and everyone else was the problem. Maybe she was right, you were scared shitless. 

“You’ll come visit, right dollface?” She asked and her voice sounded so hopeful it almost hurt you. For a moment again, she was a seventeen-year old girl that was going to prison. A seventeen-year old girl that was going to prison, and was your girlfriend. You felt a nasty pinch in your heart. Could you separate the previous Carol from this unhinged person in front of you. Her eyes looked wide and you wiped your face with your sleeve. 

“Yeah, of course. I’ll call, and write dirty letters, send postcards, I don’t fucking know”, You said. You weren’t sure if you were lying or not. Carol grinned, but the look in her eyes made it mostly look like a shark was smiling. She took your hand and the gold metal of the cuffs pressed against of your wrist. 

“I knew I could trust you. We’re meant to be, you and me, dollface. We’ll find some way, you see”, She said and her hand was squeezing yours so tightly you could feel the bones grinding against each other. You felt like you had ice running through your veins, looking at the girl in front of you. Carol sounded like her old, determined self and that creeped you out. You 

You heard steps approaching the door and suddenly felt a panic rise. Carol’s eyes darted to the door and back at you. The men stepped in and you tried to stutter something, but words wouldn’t come out. Her hands were ripped apart from yours as the men forcibly lifted Carol up. 

“Wait, wait-”, You managed to say and got up. Carol tapped at her wrist, giving you a wink and flashed her dimples. You automatically lifted your own hand and felt the bracelet on your hand.

“See you soon, okay? I’ll be fine, see you soon”, She called out as the men walked her out. Your mouth was stuck half open, words stuck to your lips. The black officer stepped back inside and his face said: “I told you so” You felt like something had been ripped out of you with force. And it had left you vulnerable, bleeding and confused. 

 

Old Carol, new Carol. Safe Carol and dangerous Carol. How much you wanted to separate the two but a small part of your brain knew that it was bullshit. That Carol had never been safe, that she had always been the way she was. Now she just didn’t have to hide it anymore. And you felt guilty, terribly and undeniable guilty. So guilty that you couldn’t eat or couldn’t even throw up. You were just paralyzed. To your surprise, it had been a week but no call from the police. You hadn’t gone to school, or even outside. Partly because you didn’t want to, but mostly because of the reporters. There were more of them know, they had filled up the small town. Tabloids were going crazy over the “Little Debbie Murderers” They had even went to your high school, interviewing the students. And all of the trash magazine reporters wanted to hear from you. Ruby had done an interview, of course and Barb’s whole click too. You could see them, crying fake tears and talking about how “They had never any idea, Barbara was always such an angel” No one would’ve guessed that the perfect prom queen had a dark side. Carol was a different story. Asking anyone, they would say “Yeah, she was always unstable. Aggressive, dealt weed”, Not a great image so to say. Katie had told everyone in the group to not do interviews and you were grateful for that. 

 

“C’mon, you have to at least drink something. You haven’t gotten up in days”, Colin said for the hundredth time. You were buried in your giant bed, with almost burnt out candles around the room. You hadn’t called Colin, but he had invited himself over, and you weren’t mad for it. You weren’t in a talking mood, but he entertained himself and probably was here just to see that you didn’t do anything to yourself. 

“And it’s all dark in here”, He said and set the lemonade glass on your nightstand. The situation in your home was..weird. Stacy was still here, trying to be normal as possible with the twins. They obviously knew something was up. Your parents were home too, but they didn’t talk too much to you. They were always on the phone, or on the computer that resembled a large box. You were sure they were trying to save the family’s reputation. Colin walked to the curtains and opened them. You could hear the cameras going off and the yelling from the outside. Colin closed the curtains quickly.

“Yeah, not a good idea. How do they have the patience to still hang around? Should I go talk to them?” He asked, mostly talking to himself.

“Colin, just let it be”, You croaked from your sea of pillows and he sat on the edge of the bed. 

“Drink something, please” Again the strong  déjà vu hit you right in the face. For a blink of an eye you saw Carol sitting in front of you instead of Colin, with a water glass in her hands. It felt way too real. You jumped up and ran to the bathroom, holding a hand in front of your mouth. You could just make it to the toilet before you puked. There wasn’t much to throw up, mostly just acid that made your teeth hurt. Your head was spinning from standing up too fast and the gag reflex turned your stomach inside out again. Colin put a hand on your back, squatting next to you. You panted against your arm, waiting for the room to stop turning. 

“I know that she was a very dear friend-”, He started, but you puked again. You spat and collapsed against the wall.

“Oh for fuck’s sake Colin, you know damn well that Carol is not my friend”, You breathed out and Colin’s brows drew closer, but he nodded.

“Yeah, I figured”, He said quietly. You two sat on the floor of the bathroom for a long time.

 

The trial was closed from the press, probably because of all of the attention from tabloids. But somehow someone always got in and sneaked a few scandalous pictures. You hadn’t been called in to witness and you figured that your dad had paid a pretty penny for that. Around here you could declare the sky green if you had enough money.  But when you came downstairs one day, for the first time not in your pajamas, your mom slammed a paper in front of you. You stared at it for a while, reading fast. It said:

“The horrifying crime that shook the whole town has come to an end! The so called ‘Little Debbie Murderers’ got their sentences this morning. Both of the sisters, Barbara Denning (born in 1966) and Carol Denning (born in 1967) have been convicted to 20 years in the Litchfield Maximum Security prison. Read more on the page 45, where we cover the entire terrifying crime and what…”, You stopped reading. The magazine fell from your hands to the kitchen counter. Barbara’s and Carol’s mugshots looked right back at you. You couldn’t look at them. You took a deep breath and everything you could smell was stomach acid. Twenty years, Jesus fucking christ.They’d be well over thirty by the time they got out. You felt your stomach rumble again. 

“Well, finally it’s over. Maybe now those horrible creepers will go away too”, Your mom said.

“We made sure that none of this mess could be traced back to you, so it won’t interfere with your college applications. Trust me, no one will even remember this in a few years and you’ll feel a lot better soon too”, She continued. Her lips were in a tight line. Her hands were shaking and you brushed your hair out of your face. 

“You obviously want to scream at me for something, so get on with it”, You said. Your mother let out a hysterical laugh.

“I just can’t believe…”, She said, trying her very best to stay calm.

“I just can’t believe that you’d bring a killer in this house, to your brothers! I always knew that girl was trouble and you don’t do so much as thank us for saving your ass. You could be on the cover of this too!” She said, pointing at the mugshots.

“I didn’t know! Obviously I didn’t know, I would never try to hurt Jacob or Justin!” You said, your cheeks burning red. Your father stepped in the kitchen too, as if this argument needed more fuel. 

“Now, young lady. Do you know how much it took to keep the lawyers silent?” He said. You grind your teeth together. 

“But I didn’t even  _ do anything _ ”, You groaned. Stacy hurried the twins quickly to upstairs, you could see them ogling you with confused looks.

“Everyone in this town knew that you were always running off with her. Vandalizing and whatnot. To think about how many nights she spent here, right next to us, something could’ve happened!” Your mom yelled. 

“Yeah? You weren’t even around to see! This is the longest time you have been home in years, so apparently it takes a murder to get the parents home! She never would’ve done anything to me or the twins”, You said, trying to stay calm. 

“Now, now. These types of criminals are very clever, they use sympathy and friendship as a weapon. Of course a low-class girl would want to be in a place like this”, Your dad said and your mother nodded enthusiastically, pouring herself wine. 

“They do not feel as we do, trust me I’ve worked with many people who know how disturbing the human mind can be. It may be hard to face, but she was probably only using you”, Your father continued. 

“Bullshit”, You muttered under your breath. Your mom raised eyebrows at you.

“What was that?” She asked with a high pitched voice.

“Bullshit. You don’t know what you’re talking about, and you don’t know shit about Carol”, You said, squeezing tightly at the corner of the counter. 

“You wanna know what we did all those days when you both were at work?” You asked, with a mean smile on your face. Your heart was thumping against your chest, but you couldn’t stop anymore. 

“We fucked, right on this counter too. And on the couch, and on the dining room table. Shit, we even almost got caught a few times too”, You said. Your parents were stunned, but it wouldn’t last very long. 

“And y’know what? She was fucking incredible and she saved my ass when the two of you where nowhere around! Do you even know what has happened in the last year? Do you even know what is going on in my life?” You spat.

“How dare you-”, Your mother started, but you didn’t let her get a word in.

“You didn’t give a fuck! But Carol did and-”

 

Something flew right past you, and crashed against the wall. You felt something wet on your shoulder and realized that your mom had thrown her wine glass at you. her face was white as a sheet and your dad wasn’t looking at you.

“You ungrateful bitch. Get out. Get. Out.”, She whimpered and pointed at the door. You looked at her and didn’t see your mother, you saw a stranger. A starnger who hated what she saw. Without hesitation, you ran upstairs, adrenaline still pumping. Stacy was right at the top of the stairs, but she didn’t try to stop you. You emptied your backpack and replaced books with clothes. You took all the money you could find, your passport and your lighter. When you turned around, the twins were standing at the door. 

“Where are you going?” Justin asked with a small voice.

“Just on a field trip. Don’t you guys worry”, You said, still stuffing the backpack. 

“Boys! I told you to go to bed”, Stacy whispered and she flashed you a look that reminded you that Stacy had indeed kept your secret. But you had fucked up all by yourself. You pulled on your coat and ran back down with your backpack. You didn’t look around, didn’t stop to think.

“Wait, just hold on now”, Your dad tried to say, but it was drown out by your mom’s screaming. You saw other objects flying towards you. You dodged a vase and it crashed just next to you.  You had many times before thought, that without Carol you wouldn't have any reason to stay here. Well, she wasn’t here anymore, and she wasn’t your Carol either. So you pulled the door open and stepped out into the dark winter night, not looking back. 

 

Stacy was sick of the phone ringing. Every two weeks, tuesdays, for ten minutes, nonstop. She hadn’t answered it never before, but it had been four weeks. Balancing the laundry basket on her hip, she picked up the landline. 

“Do you accept a call from an inmate from Litchfield maximum security?” The operator asked.

“Yeah, fine” Stacy said and there was a quiet clicking noise before the call connected.

“Hello, Carol. Usually when someone doesn’t pick up it’s a sign to fuck off”, Stacy said.

“Jesus fucking christ  _ finally! _ Stacy, is she there, my phone time is gonna end soon”, Stacy was caught off guard by how worried Carol sounded. 

“She ain’t here”, Stacy said, putting the laundry down.

“What, what do you mean? Oh yeah, school, fuck”, Carol groaned.

“No, I mean she is not here, in west Virginia. I have no idea where she is”, Stacy said and was met by silence. Stacy could hear the sharp breaths through the phone.

“Don’t fucking lie to me, stuck up bitch”, Carol hissed and Stacy let out a dry laugh.

“I’m not lying, you psycho. She’s been gone for four weeks now, left the night you and your sis got convicted. Told the folks everything, got in a fight, left in a middle of the night”, Stacy said.

“I hope you know that you did this. It’s your fucking fault”, Stacy continued. She wasn’t exactly sure that everything was Carol’s fault, but it felt good to blame someone. 

“No, no.. Why the hell would she? I need to tell her-”, Carol stuttered.

“Don’t act like you actually give a fuck. She’s gone, she won’t come visit you or call you, which is probably only for the best. You’ve already destroyed enough. Enjoy the prison”, Stacy said and started putting the phone down.

“Wait, wait wait please, shit!” Carol screamed and Stacy didn’t hang up. 

“She promised me! Do you have any idea where she is?” Carol asked and this time she sounded so much like a small girl that Stacy had to sigh.

“No, Carol. I really don’t know. People are gonna let you down, get used to it. Manipulating everyone around you isn’t gonna keep them close to you forever. Stop calling”, Stacy said, but before she could even put the phone down, there was a strong crash on the other side of the line and then a high beep. She took a deep breath and lifted up the laundry basket.

 

It took six more weeks before the first postcard arrived to the Litchfield maximum security. It was between many creepy letters that odd people from around the country sent to the Denning sisters. 

“Why the hell would you get a postcard, you don’t even know anyone on the outside”, Barbara said from the top bunk, trying to reach down. 

“Touch it and I’ll rip your nonexistent tits off”, Carol said with a jawbreaker in her mouth and threw herself on the lower bunk. Her knuckles were still hurting from a fight earlier and right now Barbara was getting on her nerves even more than usually.  She went quickly through the letters. It was the same creepy shit every time, from some people that thought of the sisters as their heroes. Some guy had once even sent an erotic poem, yuck. Well at least some of them were entertaining. In here, you had to take whatever fun you could. At last she took the postcard into her hands. It was a picture of  a city skyline, and above it said in bright yellow letters:

“Greetings from Chicago!” Carol turned the card over, but there was no text on it. What the fuck, was this a prank? Then she looked at the handwriting on the address and almost choked on the candy. There was a small rocketship drawn next to the stamp. Carol sat up so fast that she hit her head on the top of the bed and Barbara muttered:

“Fucking dumbass”

It had been nearly a year, and this was all she got? A fucking postcard. It didn’t even have any text. Not even: “Hi Carol, sucks that you’re in prison. Lots of love!” 

Of fucking course, this was so much like her. Everything was always about her problems. Hello, Carol was the one who was in a fucking prison. When Carol had found out from that Stacy bitch that she had betrayed Carol, Carol had smashed the phone on the wall. Carol had been angry, still was. Carol had tried to make the memories of her bitter, but couldn’t. It was lonely as hell in here. But oh well, Carol still wouldn’t deny a chance for revenge, or a few punches. She hated people that broke their promises. Carol kept telling herself that but the truth was that if  _ she  _ showed up to visitation one day, Carol would forgive her in a heartbeat. And knowing that drove Carol crazy. Carol bit her lip and held the card in front of her. 

For a while she was ready to rip the card into million pieces. But she couldn’t. Fucking hell. Instead, she stared at the handwriting for a while, before smiling to herself and putting the card in her pocket. She stood up and walked out of the cell, yelling to a few girls:

“Okay, who’s up for a new round of bridge?”

 

And the postcards kept coming. 

Every six months, for seven years. After that, they stopped.

Because in 1991, a group of new cookies was sent to Litchfield maximum security. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the final chapter of part one! I’ve had so much fun writing this. I'm now taking a small break from writing to focus on other things, but don't worry this story is not even close to over yet<3


	9. Wicked Games

_ Halloween, 1991 _

 

Your clothes reeked of smoke and gasoline. The police officer shoved you inside the small cell. You figured that the bars were so far from each other that you could basically just walk out if you wanted to. There were a few people in the cell, including a homeless man and a chubby middle-aged woman in a bumblebee costume. You walked beside the woman and sat on the bench. Your head felt like it was full of goo and your eyes still stung from the smoke.

“So what are you supposed to be?” Asked the woman and lit up a cigarette, even though there was a large no smoking sign up on the wall. Then again, the police officer sitting at his desk outside the cell was also smoking and eating a croissant. The clock pointed at 12:30 in the night. If you had been home, your work day would have just started. You missed the clubs, the flashing lights and crazy outfits that had become your day to day life. A life that was probably soon taken away. You touched your lips with your tongue, they felt chapped and tasted like ash. 

“A sexy maid, obviously. I have apron and everything”, You said and pointed at your costume, which was stained and the hem seemed a bit burnt. 

“What’s so hot about maids, I mean they just scrub shit all day”, The bumblebee woman said and took a drag. The cigarette smelled like menthol and automatically the hairs in your arms stood up. You hated that smell. Still, cigarette was a cigarette.

“Got any to spare?” You asked the bumblebee and nodded at the cigarette. She reached into her pocket and gave you one. You could hear some party people passing the police station, probably in their short skirts and devil horns and cat ears. You used to love halloween, and scary films. It had been your favourite time of the year. You weren’t a smoker, not really. But sometimes the stress got to you. And oh boy did a cigarette taste good after a day like this. 

“You look like shit”, The bumblebee stated and you smiled, which made your lips hurt even more. You looked at the woman. Her mascara was all over her cheeks and she had a black eye, and there seemed to be some mustard in her costume. 

“Rough night”, You said and coughed, blowing smoke from your lips. 

“Yeah, right. What’d you do, sexy maid? That burn scar looks real nasty” She asked and grinned, showing a chipped tooth. 

“Oh, this is old”, You said and touched the burned skin on your neck. It had already healed. You were quiet for a while. Maybe it was time to look at the facts, you had fucked up. Big time. Why did all your plans always backfire? Because this definitely had not been the plan. Had you even had a plan? Fucking shit. You played with the cigarette in your hand and took another drag. The bumblebee didn’t pressure you into saying anything and the homeless man in the corner started snoring loudly. You had fucked up, so why try to hide it? You leaned closer to the bumblebee woman and told her. First her eyes widened and you could see her face drain from blood. Then she took a few shaky drags and started calming down. At last, she chuckled. 

“Well shit, kid. You’ve got some time ahead of you”, She said, still smiling to herself and dumped the cigarette under her heel. You leaned back in the bench and rested your head against the cold wall. For a fleeting moment, for a small moment, you had had your life together. But then you had fucked up, like you always did. But this time there was no running away. No disappearing in the middle of the night. You were an adult, you would have to face the consequences. You sighed. 

“Yeah, I know”, You said quietly.

_ One month later _

The lady officer handed you a small bag and a stack of clothes. You looked at the beige overalls and grey flat shoes. Under them were some underwear and socks. The fabric felt hard and itchy.

“You’ll get your coats and beanies later, and your serial number will be sewed onto your clothes. Now, this group, follow me!”, Said the other officer. You looked puzzled at the other women, that had gotten blue or light pink overalls. You felt like your orange clothes were a flashing sign. ‘New meat!’

You walked along the other beige women and the girl next to you looked like she just might shit herself. She had a curly black hair and a lip piercing and you thought that she might be twenty at highest. You tried to look as calm as possible, but you were biting the inside of your cheek hard. The trial had been a fast one. Your lawyer had been only average and the other people had been very good, and very rich. And probably a part of you didn’t even want to win. In a sick way, it felt like this was fate. A punishment long overdue. So when your lawyer had said that seventeen years was probably the best you could get, you took it. You hadn’t even had the chance to say goodbye to anyone. Well, none of them had even known that you had left Chicago. And by the time they found out...It was a little too late. Some of them had showed up on court, trying to look supportive, but you saw that they feared you. It felt like you were alienated, again. This time only from a group you had really thought you belong in. One goodbye especially stung you the most, but you refused to think about it now, you didn’t want to bawl in the middle of this mess. You’d have time to cry over a broken heart later. A lot of time.

“Is this your first time down the hill?” The curly haired girl next to you asked shakily. You thought about acting cold, but she looked terrified. She was going into a maximum security prison, that meant that she had done something horrible herself, what the fuck was she so scared for?

“Yes, well no I’ve been in jail before but not...” You said quietly and the girl looked at you. You figured that trying to act threatening didn’t work for you anyway, due to your short height and all over the place- hair. Well you did have the burn scars, but they weren’t enough to rise your scary prison looks. 

“Okay, okay. Don’t panic, it’ll be okay”, She mumbled to herself.

“Just relax, okay? You look like a deer in headlights”, You said and realized that that probably didn’t help. To your surprise she actually took a breath and stopped mumbling. 

“At least we’re both going to D-block. I’m Perry”, She said. Great, now you had a schoolgirl following you, that was really going to help you. You figured that you should just try to be quiet and down low, read your books and just survive. You’d get used to Litchfield Max in seventeen years. 

“Robertson”, You said and the person walking behind you stepped nastily on the back of your legs, so you started walking faster. To be true, even though you were keeping it together now, you were actually freaking out. Sixteen years, sixteen fucking years. How long would you have to stay somewhere to call it your home? Would you call this place your home? The grey cold walls, women with icy eyes, the dull smell that burned your nose. A bit hypocritical to criticize Perry for being scared. But on the other hand, hey, you were a convicted criminal too. 

 

“Welcome to D-block”, Said the officer slightly sarcastically. In front of you opened a large area with tables and staircases. The bunks were scattered along the stairs and walls and the light made everything look sickly yellow. There were inmates sitting at the tables, playing cards or reading or doing whatever. Everyone was wearing beige pullovers and you saw many scars and tattoos. Some came out of the bunks and leaned against the railings. You heard a few whistles and hollering. 

“Keep it down! I don’t the whole fucking day to explain how everything works, so listen up! I have your designated bunks right here. Doors stay open at all times, lights stay on. You’ll eat down here, showers are on the left. Visiting on wednesdays and thursdays, phone calls every other tuesday. You fuck up, you lose your privileges. Everything reads right there on the wall, if all of you can read, that is. And cheer up girls, you’ll look prettier if you smile”, The officer said and pointed at the large board on the wall. It was drilled into the wall and you could read the words outside hours, meals, visitation hours and so on on it. The officer shouted names and along yours was the number 167. That was probably upstairs. You started walking, not too fast or too slow, keeping your head up. 

“Hey, cookie!” Someone called and then a short haired woman snagged the toilet bag from the top of your pile. 

“Hey-” You called and turned, but you were face to face with a large group of inmates and seemed like you weren’t the only one who got their hygiene products taken away. You bit the inside of your cheek harder when the short haired woman just smiled coldly at you. 

“Got something to say?” Some other woman asked. Dumb prison rituals, fine. This was almost like high school all over again. You’d get your toothbrush back. You didn’t dare to flash the stink-eye at the woman so you walked past them and up the stairs, to the cell that had 167 written over it. There was a woman sitting on the lower bunk, and you saw her snort something from the back of her hand, before she turned to you. Her eyes looked a bit feverish and she had some chinese tattoo on her neck. Great, a junkie. 

“Oh, look at you, all new and shiny. You got top bunk, don’t spread your things everywhere and don’t get up to shit in the middle of the night. My last roommate did that, god she was annoying as hell”, She said and you put the remaining of your stuff on the bed. You looked at the toilet on the corner of the room and cringed internally. That was going to be lovely. At least your roommates rules weren’t very hard. The woman started to say something else, when a cold voice called from the door:

“Williams, out”, The voice sounded so familiar that you had to grab the corner of the bed. You turned slowly around and Williams walked sheepishly past the three women that had invaded your bunk. You oddly felt like someone had thrown you back in time, and you were again in the high school locker rooms, with three of the most popular girls in front of you. All they had to do was to insult your clothes and it would be perfect. Barbara Denning looked at you, a smile creeping up her face.

 

“I knew the name was familiar, but holy shit, this is great”, She said. You got the feeling that this would not be so great for you.

Were you an absolute fucking idiot? Of course they would be here. Well, also you didn’t really get to pick which prison you were sent to, but fucking shit. It was like flood gates in your head had opened and a shiver ran up your arms. You felt your heart drop somewhere bottom of your stomach. This was bad. Barbara looked pretty much the same, with her trimmed bangs and long hair. Like she was stuck in her high-school phase. But her hair looked flat and lifeless, and her face was hollow. Of course she looked older, but she also looked much skinnier and her skin seemed dull and almost wax-like. You could see the dark shadows under her eyes and it was obvious that she was high as hell. She grabbed your face and turned it from side to side. 

“I mean, it has to be you! Look at you, all scarred up. Did your life get dipped in shit too, looks like it” She said. You weren’t sure if you should deny everything, but she wasn’t high enough to believe that. Her henchmen had come up to your sides and now you felt really bad about the situation. 

“Hello, Barb”, You said. How the  _ fuck _ had you been so stupid? Hadn’t you been thinking at all? No, you had been thinking but maybe you had been purposefully forgetting. You felt so many memories run through your head that it almost made you dizzy. Somewhere far ago you heard black haired girl shout in the back of the gym hall  _ “Hey Carol look your sidekick is here” _

You crossed your arms to stop your hands from shaking. 

“It is you, the little mouse! The last time I saw you, you were wearing those short slut skirts and throwing up in the girls’ bathroom”, She said. And there was the insult, now this was like high-school.

“And the last time I saw you, you still had a future and your mouth full of cum”, You said, not your wisest decision. But Barbara let out a slightly hysterical laugh and you saw that her teeth had gone a bit yellow. One of the henchmen grabbed your wrist. 

“Says the girl that’s here too, only seven years later. Shit, you used to follow Carol everywhere like a puppy. You two had your own little weirdo group, didn’t you? High school rejects. Oh this is  _ great.  _ I’m totally going to use you! I haven’t had anything useful here in years”, She said with a preppy tone, like a proper cheerleader. Well, Barbara’s brain had been turned into a bit of a soup. 

“I don’t think I’m gonna be much use to you, Barb. I don’t want any trouble”, You said, trying to sound reasonable. Barbara didn’t laugh now, she looked like she was thinking hard.

“I could beat you up and throw you to rot in some hallway for her to see. But that would be over way too soon, plus I want to see her face. And we don’t even have anything together with C-block anymore because of the kickball mess. But that don’t mean I can’t make Carol’s life a living hell, it’s perfectly reasonable, of course. She has been doing the same for me since the beginning, that lying fucking dyke. But you, you are gonna be great! We’re going to show those C-block bitches”, Barbara hissed and the henchmen twisted your wrist. The sharp pain shot up your arm, but you only let out a small noise. 

“Seriously, believe me, Carol doesn’t give a shit. It wouldn’t do you any good”, You groaned. Barbara lifted her eyebrows. 

“We’ll just have to test it, then. See you soon, mouse”, She said and backed off. The woman let go of your wrist and you held it close to your chest, throbbing pain still in your fingers. Yeah, this wasn’t bad, this was a shit ton worse. You’d be lucky if you stayed alive for seventeen years, or even six months. Once again you were just were you didn’t want to be, in the middle of the Denning sisters fighting. That was a place no one could make out alive, that had already been proven. 

You didn’t sleep for two nights, just because Williams snored so loudly and you were sure that every little noise was Barbara coming to stab you with a sharpened toothbrush. Also, it would have been nice to have a toothbrush. You didn’t have the energy to cry, and were just running on fumes at this point. Prison food resembled cement and Perry wouldn’t stop hanging around you, but at least she had made some kind of friends with a few other girls. You felt like you had been marked, though. No one would really talk to you, but they also didn’t give you such a hard time. You were sure Barbara was just saving you for some fucking scheme. You were like a sacrificial lamb. The power dynamics were pretty clear. Barbara was the apex predator of D-block. Even the guards didn’t touch her and she obviously had different rules than other inmates. She had her own inner circle that had the whole block in their palm with different drugs.

 

For now you had mainly just been reading old magazines that were straight from your teenager times. Everything worked neatly along the time table. Showers from seven to twelve o’clock. Visitation on thursdays, phone time on tuesdays. Outside hours every other day from two to three. You didn’t have any money on your commissary and you hadn’t had the bravery to call the only person you really wanted to talk to. To think reasonably, she had dumped you, and now you were in prison. Why the fuck would she want to talk to you, when you had been declared a deranged dangerous criminal in public court. You also had some more urgent issues to work on, like not getting killed. 

 

_ “Seriously Lizzie, you’re gonna get us killed!” You shouted and laughed behind the giant map. The road ahead of you gleamed in the sunlight and Lizzie turned the car wheel without a worry, sticking her head out of the window. Six week roadtrip, that had been the idea. Perfect for anniversary. California sun was burning on your skin and the radio played old hits. _

_ “There’s literally no one here, I think we’re quite safe”, Lizzie said with her english accent and straightened her hair. You put down the map and raised your legs on to the seat.  _

_ “Oh, there! We need to get gas”, You said and pointed at the small gas station. Lizzie slowed down and curved to the pumps. You got out of the car while she pumped gas and you went in the store. Everything was covered in slight dust and the station looked like it was straight from the fifties. Behind the counter stood a small woman that smiled to you. You straightened the hem of your sundress and picked up two sodas. Your eye stuck to the shelf that had postcards on it. It was some tourist bullshit, because they had all the big cities, even though you were in California. You bit your lip and automatically looked for the familiar city. The chicago card was pretty tacky, but you picked it up anyway. You counted the months in your head.  _

_ Lizzie came in with her sunglasses raised to her forehead and you ripped yourself from the thought, walking with her to the counter. You placed the sodas and the postcard on the counter, ignoring Lizzies look. _

_ “It is so nice to see friends out together! You have to have adventures when you’re young”, Said the old lady. You felt Lizzie go tense, but you squeezed her hand and smiled to the woman. _

_ “Yeah, I agree”, You said cheerily.  _

_ Back in the car you got a pen out of your backpack and started writing the postcard. Lizzie popped open her soda can.  _

_ “Babe, I think you got the wrong city”, She said a bit sarcastically. You didn’t even bother to look up. _

_ “Seriously, it’s been three years. When am I allowed to ask?” She asked and you stuffed the postcard into your bag. You’d sent it when you found the next mailbox. You just forced a smile and turned the radio back on. _

_ “We still have a lot of miles before the next city”, You said and tried to apologize with your eyes. Lizzie sighed and started the engine.  _

 

“Robertson, look what I got!” Perry said, beaming. You lifted your gaze from the page, even though you hadn’t even been paying attention to it. It was mostly just for show. Perry was holding up her shower bag. You tried to smile.

“Shit, how’d you get that back?” You asked and closed your magazine. 

“I threaded some eyebrows for the girls! I can’t wait to brush my teeth again”, She said almost dreamily. You felt a little jealous.

“Well it’s only ten thirty, you still have time to hit the showers”, You said and Perry gasped, getting up. You looked at her almost run across the big hall. You gazed back at your magazine and opened it at the page that said:  _ Ten tips to make him crazy about you!  _ You had the feeling that you didn’t need these tips. 

You weren’t sure if you couldn’t just process anything at the moment, but you didn’t feel very sad or depressed. It would creep up on you for sure, but now you could enjoy the numbness. Prison food tasted positively terrible, but you didn’t feel the need to throw anything up. You hadn’t felt that in years. 

 

A hand slammed on top of your magazine, and wiped it to the side. You frowned your eyebrows and looked at the woman. It was another one of Barbara’s loyal drug rats. Well nevermind the numbness, your heart started beating faster. 

“Let’s go Robertson”, She said and you got up. The guard standing next to the door glanced at you, but turned his head away. No help from there, got it. The woman walked you to a hallway and you saw Barbara with the other two henchmen. Your legs felt a little weak. She didn’t smile, but still looked too damn happy. 

“We’re having a test today”, She stated. You didn’t answer, you were sure you didn’t want to know. All the other women turned their gaze from you, but still stared at the four of you going. You had no idea where Barbara was taking you, but she walked first and you were in between the henchmen, so there was no fighting back. Was it stupid just to walk into a potential death so calmly? You weren’t sure you had a choice. 

 

You heard some people talking and followed Barbara into a bigger room. This was somewhere near the showers, because you could also hear the echoes from there. You saw some old pictures on the walls, about different haircuts. Was there a goddamn salon here? The pictures looked like they were from the seventies. Still, that was the least of your thoughts at the moment. Because the familiar smell had filled up your nose, too real and too close. The cigarette smoke was floating around the ceiling and you felt paralyzed.

“The fuck you want, barbie? I mean you could really use a haircut, too bad the salon is my area. You think you can just call me like some kennel dog, this is the last time I agree to any of your shit. You better have a damn good proposal”, She said.

“Shut up already Car, you always talk too much, probably to compensate the lack of brains. C’mon, I got something for you”, Barbara said and the woman moved from in front of you. 

 

Oddly enough, you didn’t actually accept what you were seeing at first. You looked at the women besides her. They looked eerily identical, and they both stood with their arms behind their backs. You looked at the blue overalls, the clenched fists and the light brown hair that ironically looked exactly the same as seven years ago. You looked at the frames of the large glasses and the cigarette hanging from the lips, that were all too familiar. Then you looked at her. And she looked almost like a stranger. Carol, much like Barbara, looked tough and cold. Her eyes were burning, but very differently than before, and that was a fire you didn’t want targeted at you. It was a cold fire. She still looked much better than Barbara, not as sick. She didn’t look into your eyes, but gazed at you quickly and then took a drag from her cigarette. Your heart felt like it was beating in an odd rhythm. 

“Who the fuck is this? You really have let yourself go now, Barbs” She said and grinned. You let some air from your lips. You honestly had no idea if she was lying or not, but to be honest you could never tell with Carol. Barbara looked put off for a moment, but then rolled your eyes.

“Yeah fucking right, again with your bullshit. You never stop lying, will you?” She snarled and crossed her arms. Carol leaned to the back of the chair and blew a big cloud of smoke from her lips, flashing Barbara the finger.

“Bulltrue. I don’t know who the hell she is, do whatever you want for all I fucking care. She’s D-block shit just like you”, Carol said and you felt something cold bubble in your chest. She still didn’t look at you, just stared at Barabara like it was a challenge. Barbara raised her eyebrows, turned to the woman beside you and nodded. 

 

The first punch took you by surprise and you didn’t have time to react. It wasn’t like you were hopeless, or hadn’t been in fights, but the hit struck right next to your eye and sent thousands of stars to your head. Everything flashed black for a second, but then the next punch hit your jaw and you definitely felt that one. You hit the counter behind you and tried to stay up. You felt blood filling up your mouth and the other woman kicked you so hard that you fell to the floor. You heard people moving and shouting, but you were too busy spitting blood out of your mouth to listen. Your jaw felt like it was bent out of shape and before you could get a few breaths, the kicks kept coming. Then they stopped and the women walked back to Barbara. You blinked a few times and tried to get the room to stop spinning.

“I can always see straight through your bullshit”, Barbara said and Carol answered something, but you couldn’t make out the words. Everything sounded like it was coming from far away, from the other side of a large room. The voices got very loud for a moment and then quiet again.

“No way in hell am I giving up pills”, You could heard Carol say and it took way too long for you to figure out that they were making some kind of a deal. 

“Fine, be a brat. But think about it, I may not be so nice the next time, or she may not be so alive”, Barbara said slowly and she backed away with her henchmen. Carol crossed her arms and stood still as long as Barbara was close by, but when she left, Carol punched the wall. 

“Go, I’m coming in a second”, She said to the identical twins, that seemed very unimpressed by everything that was going on.

 

“That fucking bitch! I’m gonna strangle her!” Carol snarled and she kicked the chair so hard it flew across the room. You groaned and leaned your head against the wall, pinching your nose with your hand. You could taste blood in your mouth and throat and the beating pain on your face meant that by tomorrow your face would be swollen like hell. You had your eyes closed, but you heard Carol sit next to you and the lighter go on and off. For years you hadn’t been able to be around anyone who smoked, just because of Carol and now you were here. You opened your eyes and Carol took a long drag from her cigarette, her face still burning with anger. She cracked her knuckles and the sound made a shiver go up your spine. 

“What the actual fuck are you even doing here?” She asked after a while. You raised your eyebrows, but the motion shot up another wave of pain.

“That’s what usually happens when one commits a crime”, You answered, not maybe fully realizing that this wasn’t the old Carol that you could talk to however you wanted.

“Don’t try to be smart, Robertson. You’re supposed to be- I don’t fucking know, in some mansion and work at a big company, with your shitface husband and have sunday brunches and some shit”, She said and blew smoke from her lips, tapping her foot like she always did when she was either irritated or restless, or both. You had to let out a dry laugh, but there wasn’t joy in your voice.

“You really think that’s what has happened?” You asked and had to cough because laughing had made the your start bleeding again. 

“Well that’s what I told myself, it made sense. Because then I would’ve known that you had always been an asshole, and that would have explained the fucking shitty cards”, She said bitterly. You knew that you had no right to get annoyed but you did, even though one part of you just wanted to hug her.

“Listen, Carol-”, You started, leaning forward, but she cut you off.

“I don’t wanna hear any bullshit excuses, it’s been seven years. You think I’m not over you already?” That stung, but you knew that that was just what she was aiming for. 

“I want to explain anyway”, You said. Carol sneered and the foot tapping continued, but you got the feeling that if she wanted to leave, she would’ve done it already. Her hands fidgeted with the cigarette and you took a deep breath. 

“After you and Barbara got locked up, everything just...went to shit. I tried to hold it together for a while but then I got into this huge argument with Donna and I kind of blurted out everything”, You said. Carol twitched and started to say something, but you continued:

“Well not  _ everything _ everything, but ya know, enough to get kicked out. So I left, ran away. Haven’t talked to mom in seven years and only seen dad three times”, You said slowly. It was unpleasant to visit those memories, and you tried not to think too much of them. Carol got up and paced the room.

“You could’ve called, or sent some kind of note! But you never fucking think of anyone else but yourself, do you?” She hissed. You got up too, trying to mask how painful it was but Carol flashed you a cold smile that told you that she knew. 

“Oh c’mon I was sixteen! I wasn’t capable of dealing with that kind of bullshit!” You tried not to yell. 

“I was seventeen, and yet I was old enough to get thrown in prison!” Carol said and the burning end of the cigarette was getting dangerously close to her hand. Her eyes looked feverish and the red spots on her cheeks grew wider.

“Well you definitely were old enough to kill your sister!” You yelled and knew instantly that that was a huge mistake. For a shear moment you thought that she was going to punch you. Her hands clenched and she stepped towards you but then stopped.

“Shit!” She let out and dropped the cigarette, shaking the burned hand. You breathed out and slid back down on the floor. You hadn’t realized that you were shaking, but your teeth grinded together tightly. Carol stopped swearing and she glanced at you with a look you couldn’t quite make anything out of. Then she walked back next to you and sat down. You both were quiet for a moment. 

“So, what’d you do, Robertson?” She asked finally, not exactly friendly but not hostile either. It sounded so fucking weird to hear her say your last name, or even your name. You had always been dollface, or dumbass, or something along those lines. It made you feel cold. You swallowed and rubbed the healed skin on your arms.

“I..burned something. Something big”, You said very slowly. You were sure Carol could easily find out just what she wanted to know, but you didn’t want to say the words out loud. 

Carol popped open a lollipop wrapper and stuck it in her cheek. She threw the paper on the floor. 

“Of fucking course it had to be fire with you, She said, but not in a mean way. You smiled tiredly. 

“Do you even belong here, shouldn’t you be in restraints in some psych ward”, Carol stated. You shrugged.

“I don’t know, but I knew that psych would be a shit ton worse than this, so I chose this”, You said, slowly calming down.

“Well that’s true, it’s a shithole. But by the looks of it you have been playing with fire for a while now”, She said and grabbed your arm a little too hard, turning it around and looking at the old burned skin. Then she dropped it quickly like your hand had burned  _ her  _ and you could see the cold expression rise to Carol’s face again.

“I don’t do charity, Robertson. And if I decide to do this it’s gonna cost me a shitload of money, I’ll look weak”, she spat and waved the lollipop. You wiped dried blood from under your nose. Did you want Carol to help you? Thinking about survival, Carol was more likely to let you live. Well, maybe you shouldn’t be so sure. And the truth was, you would feel a lot safer in c-block just because of Carol and that was kind of fucked up. It was fucked up that you could feel yourself get glued to her again, just like earlier. 

“Yeah, I get that”, You said, trying to sound sensible. 

“So you better make yourself real fucking useful, got it? You’re gonna pay this debt for a long fucking time”, She continued and you bit the inside of your cheek.

“Is seventeen years long enough?” You asked, slightly sarcastically and Carol raised an eyebrow.

“We’ll see. You look like horseshit, you should go clean yourself if you don’t want the whole damn block and guards up on your ass”, She said and got up, sticking her hands in her pockets. 

“Gotta get the message to Barbie, fucking slut. And this place is a mess too”, She muttered to herself, pushing up her glasses. 

“Don’t think you’re somehow special, you’re gonna play by the rules just like everyone else, Robertson”, She said and looked at you over your shoulder.

“Yes boss”, You said, standing up. Carol let out a noise that was half-annoyed, half-amused. The boss of c-block left and you were left alone in a prison salon. 

 

Your head was pounding and you couldn’t really even comprehend what had happened. The showers were closing in ten minutes, but you were still standing under the stream of water that wasn’t exactly warm anymore. Some woman was singing loudly in spanish and you wished you had some shampoo or even soap. You grabbed the towel and stepped out of the shower, staring at yourself in the foggy mirror. It was the day after the salon accident, and your bruises had grown larger and darker. You comforted yourself by saying that it didn’t matter anyway how you looked in here. You got dressed and made your way slowly through the common area. You could see way too clearly Barbara’s drug rats grinning at you. Perry glanced up from her magazine but quickly lowered her eyes. She had learned to play by the rules, you figured. You had barely made it to your cell where Williams was probably sleeping or snorting something, when a guard walked up to you. 

“Robertson, let’s go”, She said. You hanged the towel from the corner of the bunk.

“Now, Robertson. Get your things”, She continued, obviously annoyed. You didn’t really have any stuff, except diy-flipper sandals and a half-finished coke bottle. You followed the guard and Barbara waved her hand at you, smiling way too brightly. Bitch. You stopped by some storeroom and the guard shoved a bag of clothes and other things in your arms. You looked at the dark blue overalls and tensed up. This really was a debt you’d be paying for a long time. The guard pointed at the hallway and you made your way through it, to the doors that led to an almost identical common area as in D-block. The only difference was that there was a big white C- painted on the wall, and the letter reminded you of something entirely else than C-block. You had been such a fool, thinking that you could just get through your sentence without distractions. It had only been under a week and already you were in way too deep, and you had the feeling that this wasn’t the end of it. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me?? updating after months?? it’s more likely than you think.  
> still can’t promise any weekly updates, I have some writing stuff with deadlines at the moment, but this is a fun side project! this chapter is a whole ass mess


	10. Homemade dynamite

Your new bunkmate was a woman with a buzzcut, whose surname was Suarez. Bad news was that she was scary as hell, good news was that she also was a part of Carol’s group so she probably wouldn’t try to suffocate you in your sleep at least anytime soon. When you had arrived, still in your D-block overalls she had looked at you up and down and said something in spanish, but you thought you had heard the word puta in there somewhere. Of course everyone was pissed off at you, not only had you been transferred from the enemy block, but you had also cost a small fortune. Still, the last few days hadn’t been so bad. Like in D-block, the power dynamic was very clear here as well. Carol and her crew sat in the middle of the public area, always playing bridge or something else. No one walked closer than a few feet of them, like there was a powerfield around them. In a way, there was. A very heavy and cold sensation, real bad vibe. No one could possibly forget who were the bosses of C-block. And Carol was of course the leader. She cursed loudly, laughed even louder and had always either cigarette or candy in her mouth. Her laugh wasn’t the same as it had been, though. A long time ago her laugh had made you feel warm and safe, but now it only sounded cold and cruel and sent shivers up your spine. She was always surrounded by loyal followers, but judging from the bruised knuckles, Carol still got herself into plenty of fights, which definitely didn’t make you feel any safer. For now you had been left alone. Everyone shot dirty looks and whispered offences at you, but no one had touched you or taken your stuff. Your good luck wouldn’t last forever, you were sure of that. If you couldn’t prove yourself of being a useful part of the group, Suarez probably wouldn’t mind stabbing you to death in your sleep. So, you weren’t really in a calm mood. 

To be honest, you had no fucking idea of what Carol expected from you. You had no useful contacts outside, the nightclub scene of Chicago wasn’t exactly filled with powerful people. You didn’t know anything about smuggling or dealing. Your commissary was still empty, so no money either. And if Carol wanted sex, she would’ve just said it. You bit the inside of your cheek, a nervous tick, and turned the pages on the magazine in front of you just so it would seem like you read it. You had started to understand why so many people used drugs here. Because even with the constant threat of murder on you back, you were  _ bored.  _ There was nothing to do, no activities besides going outside, where all you could do was stand in small groups. Some girls had come up with very creative ways of spending their time, but others just got shitfaced and preferred to be numb all the time. You were sitting on the corner of the common area, seemingly reading the magazine, but really you were staring at the gangsters, a name you had started calling Carol and her gang in your head. The gangsters were playing as usual, and every now and then some inmate would come and get a small bag or a paper slip from one of the gangsters. Everything was very casual. All of the guards seemed to look past the gangsters’ activities, like they were invisible. So the guards were in it too. Shit, they probably got their own shares of the drug money. You weren’t really surprised. A frustrated sigh escaped your lips. You were wasting time, staring at Carol definitely wouldn’t help your concentration. So you got up, closing the magazine and returned back to your bunk. Suarez was meditating in the top bed, and didn’t even flinch when you arrived. You got the old yellow towel that probably tens of inmates had used before you, and grabbed your shower bag. There was no razor in there, but it was probably wise not to give anything sharp to a bunch of maximum security prisoners. You had seen some girls shave, though, so someone smuggled razors too. Suarez started repeating a mantra and you shrugged. At least she wasn’t a junkie, and you sure as hell weren’t going to complain about anything Suarez did.

 

There was a short line at the showers and someone was loudly singing italian opera. Guards watched everyone go in and out and some of them openly oggled at the naked women in the showers. You swallowed, but still undressed and left your blue overalls in a small locker. You had already gotten used to shitting in front of other people, so surely you’d get used to this as well. Some inmates stared at your burn scars, but that you really didn’t mind. Working in the nightclubs you had learned to carry your scars with pride, because they were almost a part of your profession. Or had been. Your bruised had turned a sick shade of yellow and blue, and the swelling on your face had gone down, but the picture was still far from pretty. 

Standing under the stream of lukewarm water, you didn’t at first notice everyone else leaving. But suddenly it was really quiet, so quiet that you could feel blood pumping in your veins. You turned off the shower and looked over your shoulder in the foggy bathroom. You pulled wet hair apart from your shoulders and turned around in your diy shower flippers. The hollow quietness of the bathroom was cut with a sharp sound of a lighter clicking. The air got even heavier with the menthol smell. You realized that your towel was all across the showers, next to the lockers. Of fucking course. It felt almost safer to stay where you were, behind the moldy shower curtain. You crossed your arms over your chest instinctively. Carol walked to the showers, wiping one of the mirrors with her hand. She took a long drag of her cigarette and fixed her hair, brows drawn together. Something small and fragile inside of you remembered that Carol hated getting her hair wet. It was weird seeing her do those little familiar manners, you didn’t like how they moved the something small and fragile inside of you. Carol turned around, leaning back into the sink and tilted her head. She dropped some ash on the floor and you felt like she could see straight through the old plastic curtain. 

“I already told you, we don’t do charity. You can’t catch a free ride around here”, She said, blowing a thin line of smoke out of her nose. Her lips curled up in a smile that was closer to a shark than a genuine smile. You sighed and pushed hair out of your face, trying to look as casual as one could being naked in a prison shower stall.

“Well I don’t know what the fuck you want me to do, Carol”, You said, as calmly as you could. Carol clicked her tongue and walked up to the stall beside you.

“We also know when to be fucking thankful around here. You see Robertson,  when someone does something nice to another person, we say thank you”, She said, a mean gleam in her brown eyes. You wanted to tell her to fuck off with her power play, but considering the situation that wasn’t the wisest solution. So through gritted teeth, you said:

“Thanks Carol”, She smiled and blew smoke into your face. The smell would stuck to your hair for days. If you had seen a blink of the old Carol before, now she was gone for sure. Carol played with the cigarette in her fingers.

“That wasn’t so hard now, was it?” She said in a fake happy voice that was higher than her normal tone. Okay, you were getting so pissed off that the anger was stronger than the fear. You were a grown woman for fuck’s sake, you weren’t going to be intimidated that easily. So you ripped open the shower curtain and walked across the showers to your towel. The cold air hit your skin, but you tried not to look cold. You wrapped the towel around you as tightly as you could. Carol had obviously watched you go, the cigarette stuck to her lips. 

She walked up to you almost lazily, like she had all the time in the world to chat in a empty bathroom. 

“You want me to be useful, then just tell me how. I can’t read minds and I’m not in the mood for your games”, You said, a little breathless. You could feel your neck and cheeks grow red, somehow you felt more naked in the towel than without it. Carol flashed the same grin behind her cigarette. Her glasses had started to collect fog, and she pushed them up to her forehead. 

“Be creative, d-Robertson. You’re the fire expert after all, so you better get your pretty little ass to work”, Carol said in a much lower tone. For a moment you were pressed against the cold wall and her and your heart felt like it had jumped to your throat. Carol glanced at you with an unknown look and she seemed to linger for a moment, before brushing past you. 

“Your towel is slipping”, You could hear her say and then a candy wrapper opened. Soon after she left inmates started pouring back in, and they gave you somewhat weird looks. You were left clinging onto your half fallen towel and at least some idea of what to do next. 

After the shower episode you had a few ideas of how to get back to Carol’s, and the whole block’s, good side. The problem was how you could get everything you needed. That was the part that you had to be creative with. As horrible as it sounded, you felt actually pretty happy now that you had something to do. It was strange how easily the outside world seemed to disappear. You had just managed to buy a stack of matches from one girl, by giving her your shampoo. You almost had a heart attack when you heard the guard say sharply:

“Robertson!” You turned around, quickly stuffing the matches down your shirt. 

“Yes?” You asked innocently.

“You got a visitor”, He said. You frowned your brows.

“I do?” You said confused.

“Yes, it reads right there on the board! Why does nobody ever read the board, it’s right next to the visitation hours”, Said the guard, pushing up his glasses. He seemed to be really upset over the board, so you tried to look apologetic.

“Just go, but read the board next time!” He groaned and shoved you to walk forward. You walked across the common area and just then it hit you. Lizzie, it had to be Lizzie. You swallowed and your knees felt a little weak. All of the heartache came back pouring in. So much for the small moment of happiness. 

 

Sure enough, there Lizzie was, sitting on the other side of the dirty glass. You were suddenly very aware of your frizzy hair and the itchy prison clothes. Lizzie was wearing her old red leather jacket and her brown hair was brushed back into a short braid. She had huge bags under her eyes.

You sat down and picked up the plastic phone. For a while there was just silence.

“Hi”, You said almost shyly. Lizzie forced a small smile.

“Hi, are you okay? Is that a black eye?” She started immediately asking, and you felt tears burning in your eyes.

“I’m fine, fine. Just some dumb prison ritual, I’m okay. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything before-” You stopped mid-sentence. Before what? Before you had fucked up, or before trial? Besides, you two had already broken up at that time, you had had no reason to call her. Lizzie’s face seemed to tense up.

“Yeah, well a goodbye would’ve been nice. I had to find out everything over papers and other people. But everyone’s rooting for you back home, by the way. They send their love”, Something about those words made you cringe. Rooting for you, what the fuck? You had done something very, very bad, and they were  _ rooting _ for you? This wasn’t some small crime, you didn’t steal a purse from a mall. You didn’t want anybody rooting for you, because what you had done wasn’t right. Still, you let it slide. 

“Lizzie, I hate to do this but you still have controls over my bank accounts. Could you transfer money to my commissary?” You asked. Lizzie seemed taken aback. 

“We don’t see for almost four months and that’s what you want to talk to me about?” She asked, but then seemed to realize the context. 

“You try taking showers with pads stuck to your feet”, You said dryly. Lizzie adjusted her glasses and sighed.

“Yeah, of course I’ll do it. I’m, I’m really sorry too. I keep thinking that if we hadn’t broken up, this wouldn’t have happened”, She said and your heart broke a little bit more over how guilty her voice was.

“Hey, don’t do that to yourself. Me ending up in here had absolutely nothing to do with you. Not everything revolves around you, you know”, You said, trying to sound playful. You weren’t even sure if you were lying or not. If Lizzie hadn’t dumped you, you wouldn’t have been in such a shitty place mentally, and maybe...But you pushed the thought away. 

“Everyone misses you, nothing just feels the same you know. But they just, I don’t think that they…” Lizzie’s voice died out. You smiled without joy.

“They don’t want to see me like this”, You said. You couldn’t really blame them. Lizzie took a deep breath.

“But I’m not going to abandon you, not again. I’m gonna visit you every three weeks, promise”, She said. You were sure she just felt guilty, but shit, you were gonna take what you could get. You smiled to Lizzie and lifted up your hand.

“Pinky promise?” You asked and Lizzie scoffed. She still lifted her hand up and you did a fake pinky promise through the glass.

“Sure thing, kid”, She said and the old nickname really stung. You weren’t really sure if seeing Lizzie made you feel better or worse. But it was nice to hear stuff from the outside world. You really didn’t expect Lizzie to keep her promise, but if dragging herself to this shithole made her feel better, then sure. It was her mental health that you worried about, what kind of a masochist would want to see their ex voluntarily. 

You cut all the match heads and stored them in one of your dirty socks. Getting rest of the things you needed wasn’t so hard after all. You had got some glass shards in exchange for a foot rub, a short piece of steel pipe from one of the girls that worked in maintenance and collected other ingredients from here and there. When you had traded everything you owned, you gave a footrub to some older inmate. It took you almost five days, but finally you had everything you needed and you were pretty damn proud of yourself. You had been working with fire for many years, you knew how this worked. Obviously the safety measurements didn’t add up but hey, you had to compromise in prison. You actually were excited for your project, even though you shouldn’t have been. After a week, you had a pipe bomb in your hands. It wasn’t anything crazy, but probably enough to blow off a few toes. You were terrified of keeping it to yourself any longer than you had to, but you weren’t sure if you didn’t trust the bomb or yourself. If a guard found your little creation, you would get at least ten years more. Or they would send you to psych, which sounded terrifying.

Carol was in her bunk. In front of the door stood a tall woman, obviously keeping guard. When you approached, she patted her pocket so you’d see the shiv tucked in there.

“I have something for Carol”, You said. The tall woman looked at you with dead eyes, but moved slowly aside. Carol was laying in her bed, reading a magazine. There were candy wrappers on the floor and little table. When you got closer, you noticed it was a playgirl magazine. 

“Didn’t know you were into that now”, You said sarcastically and Carol glanced at you over her magazine. She sat up and rolled a jawbreaker around in her mouth. 

“Take a look, I’m sure you’ll like this too”, She said, a hint of a smile on her lips. You reluctantly took the magazine and opened it. To your surprise, there was a naked woman in the middle of the page. You riffled through the magazine, seeing only a bunch of boobs, and realized that it was a playboy magazine with playgirl covers glued on top of it. 

“Very crafty”, You said and gave the magazine back. Carol slipped it under her pillow.

“Everyone needs a hobby. Talking about hobbies, I hope you’ve been keeping up with yours, Robertson”, She said, standing up. You fiddled with the sleeve of your overalls. 

“C’mon, I’ll show you”, You said and Carol followed you out of the bunk. 

The shower time was over, but you managed to sneak in when the guard went to get coffee. Carol turned on the fluorescent lights and ran a hand through her hair, already paranoid about it getting ruined. You walked up to the sinks and squatted down. Under one sink was a loose tile that you had discovered one day, literally when you had hit your toe against it. It seemed to be an old hiding place, there had already been a carved space behind it. There had been initials F.B carved on the inside. You took out the bomb that was wrapped up in a dirty towel. You got up and carefully opened the towel. Carol’s suspicious face lit up, and her dimples flashed. You sat on the bench and handed the bomb slowly to Carol.

“I knew you had it in you, Robertson! See, this was why I couldn’t just let you go”, She laughed and turned the bomb around. 

“Be careful, or you’ll lose your fingers”, You warned and Carol put the bomb down. She sat next to you and laughed again, wrapping one arm around your shoulders.

“We’re gonna show those D-block bitches, Robertson! Maybe we’ll blow off the hands of those identical shitbags that beat you back at the salon. Barbara too could get along without a few toes, oh it’d be so fucking great if she had to limp around for the rest of her life”, Carol beamed at you and waved her hand in a large line. 

“You do realize I can’t just whip these up every week? We start bombing down D-block and pretty soon we’re all put in solitary”, You said, not joining her deletaction. 

“Hmm, you’re right. This is a special treat, but I’m sure you’re gonna continue being your creative self and we’re going to have  _ so much _ fun”, Carol said next to your ear and you felt the breath on your skin. 

You sighed and slipped under her arm, sitting on the edge of the bench. 

“So we’re cool, right? I just want to know, if it’s possible for us to be friends? I mean, of course you’re the boss and all that shit but still. It’d be nice to be...friendly”, You said. Carol let out an annoyed laugh.

“Of fucking course you would say some shit like that! Do you even know how fucking pissed I was at you for years? I was ready to bash your rich kid face on the wall.  You’re not the one who has had to spend the last seven years in this fucking shithole! Barbie biting constantly on my ass, these fucking ungrateful bitches everywhere... But of course the precious little princess can just come here and start telling me how shit’s gonna work”, She got up and started touching her pockets for the cigarettes. Ouch, you had obviously hit a painful spot. Carol’s eyes were burning and you moved the bomb further away just in case. You weren’t going to start arguing with her again when you’d just gotten on her better side. 

“No, Carol that’s not what I meant. I mean that I would like it, us being friends some day. I’m still-” You stopped, not sure how to continue. You were going to say  _ still hurting from Lizzie _ but you figured that talking about your ex to your other ex wouldn’t be the wisest move. Especially to the maniac ex. So you just stood up too and walked up to her, sitting on the sink. The prison overalls felt very uncomfortable and the air wasn’t moving. Carol took short, angry drags from her cigarette and she looked at you like she was trying to analyze something. Her fist was clenched and after a while, a cold smile flashed on her lips. You wondered if you’d ever see her real smile again. 

“Oh c’mon, you really fucking think that  _ we _ could be friends?” She asked. You shrugged and tugged some hair away from your face. 

“Why couldn’t we? We were friends before, way back”, You said and Carol shook her head.

“We weren’t friends, Robertson. That was pretty fucking clear from the start. And I don’t want to be your friend, from what I’ve seen you’re a real shitty friend”, Carol stated and you felt a little bit offended. In high school, maybe yes, but honestly everyone was an asshole in their teen years. You didn’t say anything back, but Carol clearly saw the annoyance in your face. 

“You have been here only a little while, so obviously you can’t know. But you’ll see, it won’t take more than a few months until the loneliness sets in. It gets real fucking lonely in here. Soon you’d do anything for someone just to  _ touch _ you. Anything, really. Not just sex but everything else too. And you, you’ll break even faster, I know you Robertson. You like to be touched”, Carol said and she dumped the cigarette on the sink, taking a few steps closer. You felt like your every sense was suddenly heightened. The air felt heavy against your skin and your hand grabbed the sink a little too hard. 

“I’m not gonna do anything, though. I don’t even fucking have to”, She continued, now just a few inches away from you. Her knee dug between your thighs. You closed your eyes for a second, trying to stay cool. This sure as hell shouldn’t affect you as much as it did. She pressed closer and your breath caught in your throat. She smelled so familiar, and this was coming way too naturally, your bodies just leaning into each other. You automatically waited for the rough kisses and hand on your lower back, but nothing happened. 

“I don’t have to do anything. I know that you’re gonna come to me, begging for me to fuck you. Let’s see if you wanna be friends then, Robertson”, Carol said and backed up with infuriating self-assured smile. She picked up the bomb and wrapped it carefully into a towel.

“15 minutes, we’re playing bridge. You’re my partner”, She stated, back in the happy mood. You were still sitting on the sink, hand squeezing the cold material. It took you a few moments to collect your thoughts. Apparently you had just been informed that you were going to be Carol’s bitch. You had also made a prison bomb, and probably joined a gang. Your ex was blaming herself for your crime and your highschool sweetheart, former weed-dealer, more recent killer and the boss of the said prison gang, wanted to play bridge. You let out a noise that was somewhere between a sob and a laugh. Then you left the showers because you were sure that if you’d stayed any longer, you would’ve punched the mirror as hard as you could.

Back in the common area, everything seemed normal. Except the Gangsters called you to join them. Your knees still felt weak from the interaction in the showers, and you crossed the invisible line between the Gangsters and other inmates.

“Hey firebug”, Suarez said and flashed you a crooked smile. It seemed that Carol had already told her inner circle about the bomb. They weren’t looking at you like you were a pile of shit anymore. They looked at you like you were one of them. Well, not everyone. Some of the women still shot cold looks at you, especially one blonde girl. Carol was laying out the cards, smiling brightly and she pointed with her jaw for you to sit down. The woman sitting opposite of her moved away and you slid on the warm bench. Suarez and the blonde girl were playing too. You tried to stop your hands from shaking. The weird, almost violent energy was all around you. What the fuck had you done? 

One of the Gangsters picked up a paper to count the points. 

“Ready to play Robertson?” Carol asked, lifting up her cards. Her face was full of teasing amusement. You looked at her hands for a little too long, before picking up your cards and saying:

“Let’s beat these bitches”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise bitch I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me  
> Still not abandoning this even though the hype is dead and I've been focusing on other projects!  
> Feedback is always super appreciated so leave a comment if you enjoy my writing


	11. Nexus

_ Chicago was cold during winter. Especially to a sixteen-year old with a light coat. Your money had run out soon and at that point you realized that you had no idea what you were going to do now. Fucking idiot, you should just return home. Then the realization hit that you weren’t welcome home anymore. No one had come to look for you, no calls, nothing. It would be christmas soon and life on the streets felt even shittier with people marching by with christmas shopping. One night you were looking for a place to spend the night around the part of the town with all the nightclubs. These weren’t the usual, popular clubs though. Around here you could see some weird shit. People that looked nothing like the people back at home. Men with glitter on their beards and wearing crazy costumes. Women dressed as men, or only wearing colourful bodypaint. Artists and junkies, odd performers. You picked up a half eaten burger from the sidewalk.  _

_ “Y’know that’s probably drugged”, you heard a low voice say and you raised your gaze. There was a huge woman smoking a cigarette. Except you weren’t sure if they were a woman. Wearing a short, golden dress and high heels with blue lipstick, they looked out of this world.  _

_ “Well, we’ll have to find out then”, You said, way too tired to add any snark to your voice. The tall person dumped their cigarette and walked closer to you. The curly, blue hair had to be a wig.  _

_ “You okay, hun?” They asked and you shrugged. You weren’t really waiting for any pity.  _

_ “You really shouldn’t be out here”, They continued and you almost wanted to laugh. You had nowhere to go. _

_ “Who are you?” You asked, still not letting go of the burger. The large figure lifted up their feather shawl and smacked their lips. _

_ “Hun, you have the honour of being face to face with Miss Lulu Phoenix”, they stated and you felt like maybe you should do a curtsie. Miss Lulu Phoenix leaned closer and winked at you like you were a partner in crime.  _

_ “But outside of work hours you can call me Bryan”, she said and you batted your eyes. _

_ “Oh, okay”, You just muttered.  _

_ “C’mon inside for a bit hun, you look like you’re freezing your little tits off”, Miss Lulu said and opened the dirty red alley door. You followed her inside, not knowing that this club and its’ people would grow to become your new family.  _

 

Life in prison was a lot easier when you were one of the Gangsters. The guards didn’t grobe or pat you down as much, you didn’t have to wait in line anywhere, no one stole your stuff. Your money had come in commissary, so now you had a bit of luxury too. When you woke up, you had a group to go to, which felt oddly nice. Your new nickname had taken off fast, but Carol would still just call you Robertson, like you were an employe, which you kind of were. Once a week you had the chance to go “exercise” which basically meant walking around a room for a half an hour. You still went because everything that would move our thoughts away from either your future, or Lizzie or Carol was welcomed. In the large room that also worked also as a chapel, were around twenty inmates all walking in a large circle. You joined them and hoped you had some music. You started humming some old hit in your head, only to realize it was from your high-school times and tried to change the tune as fast as you could. You didn’t really want to remember high-school, for obvious reasons, reasons that started with the letter C. But there was more, you had been in a really bad place back then, which was ironic to think now that you were literally in prison. But you hadn’t had the urge to binge or throw up in years and well, the thing with fire was still...complicated. Putting up those fire shows at the nightclubs had made it easier to manage everything, but now when you were locked up with nothing to do all day, you noticed your hand automatically look for the lighter again. Shit, this was bad and it hadn’t even been two months. 

 

The blonde girl that was one of the Gangsters creeped up besides you. You felt a nasty pinch on your side. Had this bitch really just pinched you? What was this, middle school? You looked at her sharply, but she looked right back with a dirty look. She started walking at the same pace with you and so close that the others couldn’t make out what you were talking about. 

“You think you’re hot shit now, don’t ya? Well’ you’re not gonna be Carol’s favourite for long”, She hissed with a thick southern accent. She bumped into you and you stepped on her toes. 

“I’m sorry, what was your name again?” You asked, still walking around the invisible circle. The blonde looked at you suspiciously.

“Compton”, She stated. You let out air through your nose and raised your eyebrow at her. 

“So Compton, are you always such a nasty bitch or am I special?” You asked her, kind of proud of how confident you sounded. You weren’t naturally good with insults, but years in the nightclubs had taught you something. Immature people like Compton needed to be dealed with head on. Compton seemed a bit surprised, but soon she started walking faster again and was back at your side. 

“Your coochie must be made of diamonds or something, honestly I don’t know what the fuck she sees in you scarface” Compton started but you let out a disparaging laugh, quickly covering it up as a cough. Scarface, you hadn’t heard that before. The guard standing by the door glanced at you, but soon returned to picking his nose. 

“Oh I get what this is now. This is some bitter ex-prison girlfriend shit, isn’t it? Well don’t worry, I’m not getting into your dyke drama”, You said to her and shoved her hand away from your rib, you weren’t taking any more pinching. Although it could have been a shiv instead of a pinch, so you ought to be thankful. 

“You’re not? I thought, you got transferred so fast…” She said, her voice getting quieter. Suddenly you saw how young she was, she was probably around your age and her face was still a bit round.

“You thought I gave her head and she magically forgave everything, seriously don’t be naive. I work, just like everyone else”, You said with a low tone, when an inmate walked past you two. Compton seemed to think for a moment, but then her face grew angry again. She was really holding onto this grudge and you were the one taking the fall for it. 

“You haven’t fought like us, you haven’t proved your loyalty like us! It’s not fair that you just get to walk in here! I have done everything! I know she values me a lot, a lot more than some bulimic bitch”, She crooned. You were getting really irritated, she seriously seemed like some fangirl. Was everyone around here so damn dramatic?

“Okay Compton, let’s make this clear. Carol doesn’t  _ value _ anyone, she takes people and uses them until they aren’t useful to her anymore, that’s her thing. And it’s clever, no doubt. You’re not the first or the last to be used, so try to get your shit together. I don’t blame you though, lying is her natural talent. Saving my ass was also a calculated choice, nothing romantical. I’m not fucking her and she’s not fucking me. I don’t even  _ want _ to fuck her, so just leave me the hell alone”, You hissed at her and left the walk circle, marching to the door. You weren’t sure why you got so mad at her, or even if you had lied or not. You knew damn well that Carol was the master at manipulating and lying, even though you hadn’t realized it back in high-school. But to be honest, you had no idea why she had taken you in her little group. You didn’t even have the energy to try to figure out how Carol was thinking, that was a endless job. You just hoped that the blonde would leave you alone, you didn’t need to get in any more shit than you already were in. 

 

You lazily filled out a crossword puzzle, trying to ignore the noises around you. It was lunch, and you had a tray in front of you, but grey-ish food really didn’t tempt you to eat. Suarez, Carol and some other inmates smashed their trays around yours, chattering loudly. Suarez was apparently quoting buddha, she never failed to surprise you. 

“You’re full of shit, Suarez”, You heard Carol say laughing, but you didn’t turn to look. You had tried to avoid her as much as you could, but Carol wasn’t going to let you slip out of the group anymore. For the last few days she had done just what she had said she’d do: nothing. It was weird, she wasn’t mean but not overly friendly either. Just when you thought she’d turn cold, she would flash you a crooked smile or slip a jolly rancher into your pocket. This, of course was part of her plan and you knew it. To give you small bits of sweetness, like that damn candy, to draw you in. She still didn’t stand close to you or touch you, like you would burn her if you even brushed against her. Sweet and cold, mixed together in a batshit crazy woman. You knew she was doing all this on purpose, but it still made you annoyed. Which, of course was what Carol wanted. So you tried your best just to play along and stay calm, cool and distant. 

“What you reading, firebug?” Suarez asked and you sighed, letting the magazine down. You grabbed reluctantly the fork and waved it angrily at the crossword puzzle.

“Not anything, mostly trying to distract myself from this”, You said, glaring at the lunch tray and Suarez stuffed her face full of food. You had started to oddly like her, but you shouldn’t forget that she was pretty much Carol’s right hand woman and everything you told her would probably move on to the queen of the Gangsters. 

“You get used to it faster than you think”, A brunette Gangster called Ray said. Ray was sweet, but a total nutjob. You’d seen her often talking to herself and she had to widget constantly with something. She had to have something special in her though, because otherwise she would be in psych. Maybe Carol had “saved” her too. 

“You’re not gonna throw up, are you Robertson?” Carol asked and you were forced to look at her. She raised an eyebrow and took out a noodle flavour bag, emptying it in her food. 

“No, I quit doing that a long time ago”, You answered, poking at the food. She sneered.

“Old habits have a way of coming back to you in here”, She said and slid her tongue along her teeth before starting to eat. You bit your tongue and looked away, while Ray chatted away about some small, probably imaginary, bugs she had found in her bunk.  You focused on getting the food down, when a loyal junkie customer approached the table. She was frantically scratching her arms.

“Fuck off, we’re eating”, Suarez said, food spilling from her mouth. You looked at the girl. Her skin looked sickly yellow and the bags under her eyes were huge. You felt bad for her, she was really badly addicted to something, probably heroin from the looks of it.

“Please, please, I need something”, She whispered. You saw a mean smile rise on Carol’s face, never a good sign. She ignored the girl’s whining for a while, raising her eyebrows at the other gangsters. Then she put down her fork and turned around.

“You still haven’t paid your old debts, Briggs”, Carol said. Everyone stopped eating and turned to look at the junkie girl. You swallowed slowly, this was going to be a show.

“I know, I just thought that…” She muttered and Carol let out a fake sympathetic sound. 

“Aww, you thought that you could get one free? Let me ask you something”, She said. The girl stared at Carol, her dark eyes large. 

“Do I look like santa fucking claus to you? Do you think we just give shit out for free?  Do you think this is charity for sad junkie bitches?” Carol demanded and the Gangsters let out supportive noises. You got suddenly a strong déjà vu, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it. You squeezed the plastic fork hard. 

“Hell no”, Suarez said, running her hand through her shaved head.

“The next time you come to me without money, I’m gonna shove your teeth so far down your throat you’re gonna be shitting them for weeks. You understand me?” Carol said, smiling sweetly. You felt your stomach turn. The junkie girl tried to mutter something, but Carol cut her off. 

“Let me hear you say it: Yes Carol I understand”, She said. 

“Yes Carol, I understand”, The girl whispered, almost clawing at her arms. 

“Good, now fuck off”, Carol said and turned back to her food. You tried to just take deep breaths. Mental note to self: don’t disturb Carol when she’s eating. Now you knew why you had the déjà vu, you knew who Carol reminded you about. She acted just like the dealer she used to work for, Dean. And Carol had used to hate Dean. The Gangsters laughed and imitated the junkie girl, but Carol didn’t seem to care. She was staring at you, almost like challenging you. A weird thought popped to you head that Carol was testing you, trying the limits. You stared back at her, the fork almost snapping in your hand.

“So firebug, what’d you actually do to end up here?” The question was from Ray and it completely threw you off. You cleared your throat quickly and ate some more to avoid answering. Your hands were shaking. Now everyone’s attention had turned to you. 

“I don’t like to talk about it”, You said at last, hoping that they would drop the subject. You could feel guilt and everything else nasty bubbling in your stomach. They didn’t. 

“Oh c’mon, I bet it was something juicy, looking at those scars. We could use a good story, did you stab someone? Did someone stab you?”, Another continued, but you didn’t say anything. 

“Those are burn scars not knife scars, you dumbass”, Suarez said, rolling her eyes. Thank you for pointing out, you thought dryly. 

“Carol, you know right?” Ray asked and your eyes shot up. You felt your heartbeat against your rib cage loudly like a drum. Carol drank from the plastic cup, not in any kind of a hurry. 

“Yeah, I know”, Carol said and her eyes gleamed behind her glasses. You tried to plead with your stare for her not to say anything. You couldn’t stand to hear it, not like this. You didn’t know if she actually knew or not, but you didn’t want to take any chances. Carol looked at you, with that same analyzing look. Then she patted her pockets for her cigarettes and lit one up in the middle of the common area without anyone batting an eye. 

“Stop getting on her ass about it”, She said at last and you felt a wave of relief. Everyone stopped the questions immediately and you resisted the urge to mouth “thank you” to her. The menthol smoke didn’t make eating any more a pleasant experience. The disgusting feeling in your stomach didn’t leave. After a while so it wouldn’t seem weird, you got up and took away your tray. When you got back to your bunk, you were swallowing your tears. Why had that affected you so much? Maybe you were still in some kind of a denial. You wished that it would be Lizzie’s visitation week soon, even if you couldn’t tell her anything. She never found out about Carol, or about anything before your life in chicago. You wanted to keep it that way. Maybe now that there wasn’t a constant fear of death on your mind, all the other feelings started creeping up on you. You felt guilty about everything. About Lizzie, about Carol, about your friends back in Chicago, about your crime, about the things you had done. Why the fuck were you back here, next to Carol after years of trying to forget her? This wasn’t how your life had supposed to go. You had supposed to work for at least ten years more, move in with Lizzie, maybe get back in touch with your family at some point. All of that had disappeared literally in a cloud of smoke. If you could’ve just controlled yourself better… You took a shaky breath and noticed that you were instinctively looking for the lighter in your hand. That was also a habit that you had gotten rid of after Carol. But old habits had a way of coming back to you in here. 

The C-block walked in a line to a worn out ball court that served as an outdoor area. You couldn’t see any plants here and even the sky was dimmed with a dirty glass. November air was freezing and a sharp wind made everyone cluster close to each other. Everyone stood in their own little groups like penguins, chatting. There were two big cages on one wall and there stood two inmates in them. For the Gangsters, the outside hours were great for dealing. The guards didn’t see anything through the big coats and beanies and small bags moved everywhere with a flick of the wrist. You were stuffed between Ray and Carol, standing in a messy circle. You pushed your beanie up to your forehead and tried to see the sky, but it was covered with dark clouds. Compton and some other inmates joined the group. You saw Suarez give something to Compton. Thank god you didn’t have to deal, not at least yet. You would be terrible at it and you had the feeling that Carol knew that. Carol herself was sucking on a red lollipop and scanning the yard with cold eyes. You chewed on the inside of your cheek. You tried to be attentive to what Ray was saying, but for some reason you could only focus on the feeling of Carol standing next to you. You weren’t a hormonal teenager anymore, so why did you feel like it? You let out a small frustrated sigh and Ray flashed you a confused look.

“Is everything okay firebug?” She asked, bless her heart. 

“Yeah, peachy. Just freezing my damn tits off”, You said a bit bitterly. Ray let out a laugh. 

“It’s still better out here than in there, I think. The air feels nice, fresh”, She said. 

“Suarez, don’t give that bitch anything”, Carol said to the bald woman, nodding at the same junkie that had come by the table earlier. Carol had a hint of a sadistic smile on her face, watching the junkie girl shiver strongly. She was obviously going through withdrawal. You really didn’t like this side of prison Carol. 

Suddenly a new guard stormed to the court, looking around. He said something to the other guards and marched forward, his hand on the gun. Everyone tensed up instantly. You didn’t have any time to react when the guard had already ran to your group. What the fuck, no one ever touched the Gangsters. 

“Inmate, against the wall, now!” The guard shouted and forcibly pushed through Carol and Ray. He dragged you by your arm and almost threw you against the stone wall. 

“What the fuck!?” You heard Suarez yell when your head cracked against the cold stone. 

“Don’t move, I said don’t move!” The guard continued and you raised your hands. 

“Not moving, not moving!” You stammered out, your voice shaking. The guard started groping you, very thoroughly. Ankles, thighs, waist, boobs, all the pockets. It was intrusive, humiliating. 

“Take off your jacket, inmate”, He yelled straight into your ear.

“Okay, okay”, You whispered, turning slowly around, hands still in air. Hands shaking, you opened the coat. He shrugged it off and started opening the pockets, waving the coat in air like something would fly out of it. Strong shivers ran through your body and you felt like you were on display. You could still feel the hands on your body. Tearing your gaze away from the gun, you looked at the inmates. You saw scared and angry faces, and one that was smiling smugly. Compton stared at you over other inmate’s shoulder, smiling widely. That fucking petty bitch, you thought. She had probably tipped the guard off that you had a bomb or some shit. For a while you were so angry that you didn’t even feel the cold. The guard dropped your coat, looking at you almost stunned. 

“The bunk, the gun is in the bunk of course”, He muttered and turned around, leaving you standing there in your overalls, hands still in the air. A fucking gun? Seriously? You didn’t dare to move and no one else did either. The two guards left at the court looked at each other like they had no idea what was going on. Were you allowed to move now or not? You felt like your body was frozen in place and your breath stuck to your throat. If Compton had wanted to humiliate you, she had succeeded. You felt terrible. After a painfully long minute, Carol picked up your coat. Everyone else started moving too like someone had pressed play on a vhs. The Gangsters surrounded you, Carol threw the coat onto your shoulders and cursed very loudly. 

“Fucking shithead, what the hell? I bet that some D-block asshat tipped him off”, She spat, her jaw stuck out and eyes furious. You slid your hands into the sleeves and grinded your teeth together. 

“Did he say a gun? Well he was a real idiot to believe something like that”, Suarez scoffed. 

“Don’t worry firebug, I’m sure he’ll feel very sorry when he finds nothing in your bunk, right?” Ray said and smiled. 

“There is nothing in our bunk, right?” You managed to mutter, looking at Suarez. She flashed you a proud smile. 

“Nothing that he will find, that fucking hijo de puta”, She said and patted your arm, but you flinched slightly. You felt gross and Compton standing right there made it even worse. Carol fixed her hair and cracked her knuckles. 

“When I find out who pulled this shit, I’m gonna smash her head with a brick. Barb is probably laughing somewhere at this, fucking D-block bitches”, Carol said, almost like a promise. At least Comptons smile faded. She hadn’t probably thought about the other side of her oh, so brilliant plan which was that Carol was going to get really angry. And no one wanted that. You got a flash of mean joy out of Compton’s expression, but that didn’t take away the shame. 

You gritted your teeth together and tried to get yourself together. Thank god Suarez was off somewhere, so you got the whole bunk to yourself. The guard had turned it upside down, but hadn’t found anything, thank god. Suarez wasn’t very happy with you, though. You hugged yourself tightly, taking deep breaths and closed your eyes. Humiliation still burned your veins. Even though you were sure that the little blonde bitch had arranged your public groping, you sure as hell weren’t gonna go running your mouth about it. You didn’t know what the fuck she wanted to proof, but you would have to deal with her yourself. A little mean part of you actually wanted to beat the shit out of her. Although you were pretty sure that you couldn’t simply just intimidate Compton, she had been here longer than you and had more friends. If talking wasn’t gonna work, fine. If she thought you were a psycho arsonist bitch, maybe you’d have to be a psycho arsonist bitch and burn her fucking face off. Although after seeing how mad Carol got, Compton would probably lay off of you for a while. You’d have a lot of time to plan something good. You felt dirty, partly because of the groping, partly because it was so public. 

When you opened your eyes, you saw Carol standing in the doorway. She looked like she had been there for a while. You groaned and Carol walked in. She had a toothpick in her mouth and her brows were drawn together. Well at least it was better than the hot-and-cold act she had been putting up recently. There was a lingering silence until you blurted out:

“Do you actually know? I mean, do you know what I did?” You asked with a raspy voice. She leaned in to the wall and crossed her arms. 

“Well it wasn’t hard to figure out, I know your shit. And the guards tell pretty much anything if you have something to bargain with”, She said. You let out a sigh and rubbed your face. 

“Why didn’t you tell the others back at the table?” You asked again. She tilted her head, tapping her leg like always when she was nervous about something. Carol didn’t answer, but she climbed up to the top bunk, sitting down next to you. Then she pulled a cherry coke bottle from her pocket and handed it to you. You felt a little choked up and wrapped your hands around the cold soda. This had been your go-to drink way back in high school. You wanted her to wrap her arm around your shoulder and say something sarcastic and crazy that would make you feel better. You wanted her to smile and show you her stupid porn magazines and flaunt about the fights she had gotten into so you could be worried about her. You wanted her to call you with all the old nicknames that would make you feel special and loved and hers. And a guilty, big part of you wanted her to kiss you roughly, because she never kissed soft. You wanted to see if she still tasted the same. You wanted her hands in your hair and moving down your waist and the thought of it made a shiver run down your spine. You felt like Carol knew exactly what you were thinking, because a hint of a smug smile rose on her lips and she crossed her legs, leaning close to you.

“Stop”, You said quietly. She played with the toothpick between her teeth and you could almost hear her say  _ “Stop what, dollface? I’m not doing anything. I could though, if you’ll ask nicely” _

This felt too easy, too natural. You opened the bottle and took a gulp. 

“The guard was really an idiot, as if I would let you even keep anything valuable on you yet. What did he even think he was gonna find”, Carol said, biting the toothpick. You shrugged. 

“Oh I don’t know boss, a homemade pipe bomb maybe?” You said dryly and Carol shook her head. 

“They’re not gonna trace it back to you”, She assured. You looked at her. 

“They’re not? I thought it was pretty clear that once we use that, my ass is flying straight to psych. I mean, they take one look at the records and see the flashing arson sign next to my name”, You said, rising your eyebrows and making a gesture with your hand. Carol grinned and took the bottle. 

“You’re my little secret weapon Robertson, what good would that do? No, I already have some candidates to take the fall for your science fair experiment”, She said and drank. You felt a knot form in your throat. 

“You mean someone else is going to take the blame for it? Voluntarily?” You frowned your brows. Carol clicked her tongue. 

“Aw, we’ll maybe not completely voluntarily, but someone crazy enough that the guards won’t doubt it one second. Someone dispensable”, She said and automatically Ray’s face flashed behind your eyes.

“Carol, I can’t just let someone-” You started but she turned to you, looking at you sharply. 

“Oh please Robertson, like you would rather take the blame yourself? Don’t try to play the good girl act, I know it’s horseshit. Besides, I’m the one making decisions here”, She reminded you, tilting her head. Again with the fucking power play, it seemed. You opened your mouth to say something but she didn’t let you get a word in.

“Enough with the fucking backtalk. You need to learn how to behave”, She said, flashing you her dimples innocently, but the way she leaned closer definitely wasn’t innocent. Her hair smelled like cigarette smoke and the cheap coconut shampoo they sold in the commissionary. You thought that her eyes looked almost black and there was an iciness to them that you hadn’t seen before. You drew a faint breath between your lips. You felt like every single nerve on your body was suddenly electrefied.

“Stop it”, You whispered. 

“Not good enough, Robertson. I’m still waiting for you to beg”, She laughed and leaned away, climbing down from the bunk. She stuffed her hands in the pockets of her overalls and spat out the toothpick before disappearing in the hallway. 

It was time for you to swallow your pride and make a phone call. You’d felt terrible since yesterday when Carol had come by your bunk. You couldn’t stop thinking about that your actions could put Ray into a psych ward maybe for the rest of her life. You needed to talk to someone, someone who knew you and could maybe give you some advice. You dialed the number on the phone, very aware of the guard sitting nearby. The phone booths were separated by thin walls and you heard loud crying from one of the booths. You had ten minutes, so you prayed that for once Bryan would answer the phone. You heard the hollow beeps and then silent, waiting for the person on the other end of the line either accept or decline the caller. You heard a loud click and then a sleepy voice muttered:

“Hello?” Bryan’s, or Lulu’s, voice brought instantly back memories. Memories of shitty apartments, partying, sleeping ‘til noon and eating crappy take-away. His flat was always filled with fabrics, plastic cups, wigs, glitter and cat hair. You had lived there for nearly three years before getting together with Lizzie. 

“I did something bad”, You let out like a kid caught stealing. For a while Bryan didn’t say anything. You heard him breathing. 

“Well, you are calling from prison hun. And for the first time, may I add. It’s been total radio silence until now”, He said, sounding slightly annoyed. You couldn’t blame him. But honestly, you hadn’t had the balls to call anyone yet. It felt like doing that would somehow make everything real, make you realize that everyone else kept on living outside this place. 

“I’m sorry, I just...I could really use a friend right now. And you haven’t visited either”, You threw back at him and heard him scoff. 

“Okay, fair. What’s wrong hun? Did you go and catch yourself a prison girlfriend who’s into some weird shit?” He joked, but that hit way too close to home. You gulped and tried to laugh, glancing at the clock. 

“No, no. I… I had to do something bad and now someone else is going to suffer because of it”, You said. Well that was vague, but you weren’t gonna start babbling on about the Gangsters and a certain homemade bomb. 

“What’d you do?” Bryan asked, obviously interested. You bit your lip and tapped the phone. 

“Just...something bad. Let’s say in the sake of survival”, You said, at least that was true. 

“And I’m guessing that if you come clean about this it’s not gonna make you look very good in the eyes of your fellow criminals or have a positive affect on your sentence?” Bryan said sarcastically. You let out a agreeing groan. 

“Look hun, you have to do what you have to do. Frankly, I don’t give a fuck. You just hang in there and then soon you’ll be back here, with us”, He said. For some reason that frustrated you a lot. Did he think it was that simple? That you just sat here for seventeen years and then return like nothing had never happened. Maybe he wanted to pretend like you were just away at rehab or some shit. But realistically, who was going to even remember you when you got out? If you even got out some day, which wasn’t so certain anymore. 

“This isn’t a fucking summer camp, Bryan. You have no idea-” You started, but didn’t know what to say. You have no idea of what? What it’s like? How hard it is? How easily people get hurt around here? It was useless, he wouldn’t understand anyway. Bryan lived in his little Chicago nightclub bubble, he didn’t even want to think about you in prison. And you didn’t want to think of them outside of prison. 

“Wrap it up, ladies!” The guard yelled. You looked over your shoulder and sighed. 

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to talk to someone who’s not wearing overalls and a serial number”, You said.

“It’s okay, hun. Everyone misses you a lot”, Why the fuck did they keep saying that, as if it would change anything. At the end of the day they were still outside and you would just walk back to your bunk. Of course, you had deserved it, you reminded yourself. What had happened to your plan of just laying low and suffering the punishment.

“I miss you too. Look, I gotta go soon. Do you know if Lizzie’s coming next visitation day?”, You said when the guard rose from his chair and pointed at the clock. 

“Yeah, about Lizzie. I don’t like this, I mean why the fuck is she even coming around there? As I recall, she dumped you and you were pretty fucking heartbroken. It’s just gonna get worse if you keep seeing her” Bryan said sharply. 

“Well at least she visits me, unlike some others. Please, just-”, You snarled and then there was a loud click again. You lifted your gaze from the wall and saw women back away from their phones. Ten minutes were up and the lines had been cut off. You resisted the urge to smash the phone against the wall. 

“Hurry up with the points”, Carol said to a mousy inmate with the notepad. You felt kind of sorry for the girl, bridge could be really complicated and there was no room for errors. You always got a sad wave of nostalgia while playing, you could almost smell the high school gym and it made cold shivers run up your spine. You and Carol whoever were an unbeatable pair, which was fun for you two and frustrating to others. Come to think of it, bridge was the only game your father had ever taught you. No, no don’t think about that, you reminded yourself. Thoughts about family were strictly locked in a small metal box somewhere in the back of your mind. Over time more and more subjects would be locked in that metal box. Carol had been in there for a long time and you slowly but steadily had started pushing Bryan in there too. You still felt a little pissed off, but also guilty. So you tried your best to ignore what had happened and just to focus on the outcome of the game. You fiddled with your sleeves and looked at the woman counting the points.

“Carol and Robertson win”, She said quietly and Suarez let out a groan. 

“Seriously, what the fuck?” Suarez said, slamming the table. Carol laughed and ruffled your hair.

“Suck my dick Suarez, you guys owe us the chocolate bars”, Carol said grinning and Suarez rolled her eyes. Then suddenly Carol got quiet and you saw her eyes follow an inmate walking along the wall. 

“We have some business to do. Suarez, you come with me. Compton, Robertson and the others, see you in the laundry room in ten”, Carol said, a dark look creeping up on her face. Compton flashed you a suspicious look and Suarez got up, following Carol. You quickly realized that this was a hunt. The inmate they were following was the same brown haired junkie girl, Briggs, from before. You felt a sick feeling in your stomach. Carol walked confidently, aggressive energy almost pulsating off of her and Suarez cracked her knuckles.  Briggs glanced over her shoulder and you saw her face go white. She hurried up the stairs and into her bunk and you three followed. Her bunkmate slithered quickly away from the door, like she hadn’t seen anything. The guard standing nearby also looked away, which didn’t surprise you. Carol and Suarez disappeared into Briggs’ bunk and you tried your best to ignore the panicked noises and series of dull thumps.

Your heart was still beating when you stepped into the crowded laundry room. All the Gangsters instantly got quiet and moved away so Carol could walk to the middle of the room. She sat on the edge of one of the washing machines, lighting a cigarette.

“We have a big day tomorrow ladies”, She said, taking a long drag of the cigarette. 

“Those beige bitches have been getting more and more bold, walking into our territory. Lying, getting strikes on us”, She continued and the Gangsters hummed in unision. You saw Compton stare at Carol with adoring eyes and Suarez grinning like a wolf. The air was heavy with mean determination and all the hairs on your arms stood up. 

“But we don’t let that shit fly, do we? No, we hit back. And this time, we got a real fucking special surprise for them”, Carol declared, looking at her henchmen. Their voices grew louder and Carol leaned back confidently, she was in her element. 

“They’ll never know what hit them, then boom!” She said, making a explosion gesture with her hand. You felt eyes on you and someone patted your back supportively. You noticed that you didn’t see Ray anywhere in the small audience. 

“Of course we need loyal people to carry out our plan. You know I trust on every fucking one of you”, She said, pointing at the Gangsters with her cigarette. This was some grade A manipulation, you thought to yourself. You’d be lying if it didn’t affect you also a little bit, but the anxiety was stronger than Carol’s charisma. You had seen all of this before, but now Carol was more collected, more in control. Of course there was rage, there always was with Carol but she was even more assertive like this. 

“So are we gonna do this, are we gonna blow some hands off of those D-block assholes?” Carol asked loudly and the Gangsters cheered. Someone shouted: 

“C-block!” and they started stomping their legs in a fast pace that beated all the way to your chest. The low chanting filled the room almost religiously. It seemed to go on forever, but at some point the crowd started to dissolve, talking energetically. A small group of inmates was gathered around Carol, probably scheming on about tomorrow. You felt lost and out of place. Oh boy were you in  _ way _ too deep. You sat on top of a washing machine, slowly clenching and unclenching your fists to keep yourself from fidgeting. What the fuck were you going to do? You couldn’t tell anyone, that was basically a suicide. And a small part of you genuinely didn’t want to cause any harm to Carol. You were too much of a pussy to take the blame for Ray. Because really, you didn’t want to end up in psych with a 30 years longer prison sentence. Ray was already crazy, you figured. But technically so were many others around here. Your mind was running in circles. 

“Hope your shit works Robertson, you still got a shit load of debt to pay”, You heard Carol say from surprisingly close and you ripped yourself from your thoughts. 

“It works, I know what I’m doing”, You said with a blank voice. You were honest, you knew that the pipe bomb would work damn well. Carol fixed her hair and threw it back like she always did. 

“What’s wrong, is the little princess scared?” She asked in a fake sympathetic voice. Oh jeez you hated when she called you that because it definitely wasn’t in an affectionate way. If she wanted to be affectionate, she would’ve called you probably a dumbass. You bit your tongue and turned to her, raising your eyebrows and giving a tight smile. 

“No, everything is fanfuckingtastic”, You said. Carol moved closer, standing in between your legs. 

“Well that’s fucking great then. Tomorrow you’ll have a real chance to prove yourself, I’m sure it’ll be fun”, She murmured and blew a ring of smoke at you, before leaning back. You tasted blood in your mouth and quickly crossed your legs when she walked away.    
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter turned out pretty long, this is for all of u who still read this, you're the real ones!  
> Be sure to leave a comment if you like my writing!


	12. Horns

“Yeah this is fine, fanfuckingtastic”, You whispered to yourself under your breath. You had barely slept three hours and even those hours had been filled with restless dreams about Carol and explosions. You had woken up with a foul taste in your mouth and your stomach in a knot. You patted your swollen face with a towel and listened to the steady stream of water coming from the showers. The bags under your eyes looked almost purple, and this time no one had even beaten you up, no this was all natural “i’m a fucking mess”- look.

There was a weird, almost electric feeling in the air. Everyone was a little bit on edge. You felt like people were staring at you when you walked to the common area with the towel around your head. It seemed like a normal prison morning, people eating their shitty breakfast, walking in and out of the showers, some inmates cussing at each other and others reading magazines. All the Gangsters were gathered up, like a pack of hyenas. Carol was nowhere to be seen. None of them seemed to be eating, even though they all had trays in front of them. God you wanted a drink right now. Suarez was still pissy at you because of the guard incident and Compton on the other hand was way too smug. You didn’t feel like talking to neither of them, so you grabbed the tray and took the crappy yogurt that tasted like artificial bananas. You knew that you were expected to go sit with the other Gangsters, but you were pretty sure you were gonna puke if you had to hear them congratulate you or hype up today’s “big surprise”. So you sat down alone at a distant table, pulling up your blue overalls. You still hadn’t gotten used to them, the fabric was just as uncomfortable as it was in the beginning. Reluctantly eating the yogurt, you glanced at the large calendar hanging behind the glass at the main wall. It was late november. So you had been in here for what? Almost a month. It would be christmas soon, you thought bitterly. Your sense of time had really disappeared, you felt like you had been in here forever. You felt a small pain of desperation as you realized just how much time you had ahead of you. You quickly tried to shake off the thought, but it stuck in your head. Well, at least it would be visitation soon. But Ryan had been so weird about Lizzie in that phone call, what the fuck was that about? Still in your thoughts, you noticed the junkie girl Briggs limping past you. Ouch, that was not nice. She looked really rough and it didn’t make you feel any better that you were almost hundred percent certain that Carol had done that. The Gangsters looked at you, but you decided to ignore them. Hell, you had built the entire fucking bomb, they could cut you some slack for a while. You weren’t really sure when exactly was the go-time, but someone would surely tell you. You picked up a magazine from the bench and started fiddling through it just so you’d look somewhat normal, but you weren’t really taking in what you were reading. You felt someone sat besides you and you knew who it was even before you looked.

“What a lovely fucking morning, sunshine”, Carol said, tapping the table with her hands. She had a lollipop between her teeth and by the looks of her hair she had just gotten out of the shower. She grinned at you, lifting one leg up to the bench. She seemed almost hyper.

“Sure”, You said in a monotone voice and tried to get back to your magazine but Carol snatched it from you. 

“Well someone woke up on a wrong foot today, don’t you think you’d have to be at the top of your game today?” She asked teasingly, but there was a colder undertone in her voice. She started turning the pages of the magazine, before sliding it across the table and on to the floor. You swallowed down the last bit of the gross yogurt, looking at the common area under your brows. There was a nasty throbbing pain that was starting to grow behind your eyes. That’s what you get for a sleepless night, you thought. Felt almost like a hangover. 

“Should you really be sitting with me here alone? I think that your cult members disapprove, judging from the stares”, You hissed at Carol, still trying to seem as casual as possible. Carol stuck the lollipop in her cheek shrugging and leaned closer like you two were whispering. 

“If bitches want to stare, let them stare. Maybe I want them to look”, She said. It was obviously an invite to something, but the headache made you stingy. 

“Attention whore”, You muttered under your breath and almost immediately felt your heart drop. You  _ could not _ talk to Carol like that. She herself had made it very clear that you were a regular worker and she was the boss. Carol leaned towards you and opened her mouth, with an intense look.

Just then Ray danced down the stairs from her bunk to the common area, slapping something invisible next to her ear. Your breath caught in your throat, and Carol’s eyes flashed like iron. Her tongue slid along her bottom lip and she got up, smiling and waving. 

“Hey Ray, come and talk for a moment”, She said and Ray smiled cloudly. This was clearly some kind of sign, some of the Gangsters got up and started leaving. It would probably look too suspicious if it was all of them, you figured. And Carol had certain people that she trusted. Speaking of them, Suarez walked to you and grabbed your shoulder. 

“Let’s go firebug, I seriously hope for you that this works”, She murmured. The headache part of your brain wanted to smash the tray onto her head, but the rational part of you just obediently stood up. You unwrapped the towel and gave it to some Gangster, telling her to take it to your bunk. What a productive day this was shaping up to be. First: shower and breakfast. Then: Blowing up some D-block inmates. 

“So how is this going down?” You asked Suarez. You were standing in some hallway, your hands clutching onto the bomb wrapped in yellow towel. Your legs were shaking. There was no one else around you, and it was very quiet.

“We lured some D-block bitches to the old laundry room, they think we hid a drug stash there. Carol took Ray around there too so she will be close enough to make it believable that she did it. Compton is making sure that no one else is wandering to this part of the prison and the rest are trying to keep everything casual. We throw the bomb, close the door and run like hell, you got that? You can’t be seen around here when the guards come, by that time we all have to be back in the common area or our bunks like we never left”, She whispered. You swallowed. 

“So, all you have to do is to set off the bomb when Carol gets here, run, throw and run again. Not too difficult, is it?” She said. You saw almost a fanatic gleam in her eyes. Shit, she really took this seriously. Everyone of them did. Like this was war. Well, it kind of was, you thought dryly. Because of this particular war between the sisters you had been beaten up. You just had no idea how they had gotten to this point. Sure, things between the Denning sisters had always been messy and toxic, but this was on a whole nother level of fucked up. You felt like all the blood from your head had flown to your stomach and the hallway seemed to spin a little. 

“Don’t you fucking dare to faint on me man! If we fuck this up, you know we’ll never see the light of day ever again. I don’t feel like spending the rest of my days with those crazy bitches”, Suarez mumbled, pushing you up the wall. You nodded. Just think about it as a show. A batshit crazy and dangerous show, you had done plenty of those in the club. Sure, you could do this. 

“Set off, run, throw, run”, You said. Suarez let go of you and rubbed her shaved head. You tried your best to stop shaking. Running steps came towards you from another hallway. Suarez was instantly ready to go. Carol’s face had a fanatic gleam to it, and it sent cold shivers down your spine. You felt like for a moment you weren’t in your body at all.

 

_ “‘C’mon, go, go! There’s no one here”, Carol yelled and you bended yourself through the narrow window. The whole school was quiet and dark. You fell down to a lunch table and hit your tailbone to a corner. You frowned and got up, wiping mud from your denim skirt. _

_ “This is a very bad idea, Carol”, You muttered. Carol threw her backpack on her shoulder and rolled her eyes.  _

_ “But you’re still here, dollface. Stop being a pussy, let’s go”, She said and grabbed your hand. You sighed and followed her, while the painted high school mascot stared at you from the cafeteria wall. The butterfly hair clips in your hair swung up and down when you ran behind Carol in the empty hallways. It was eerily quiet, and all the light came from the small windows up on the ceiling.  _

_ “Wasn’t Katie supposed to come too?” You asked. _

_ “Yeah, but she had to go to some shrink today”, Carol answered and stopped in front of her locker. You could tell it was Carol’s because there were words “Hands off, bitch” carved on it. You leaned your shoulders on the locker next to it and bit your lip.  _

_ “Jordan is gonna be so pissed off at you, y’know. You’re really gonna just get in more trouble”, You accused. Carol scoffed and slammed her locker shut. The noise echoed through the hall.  _

_ “He can’t know it was me who did it. The fucker stole my weed, and I’m not running a fucking charity here. Nothing wrong with a little payback”, Carol said, smiling as she put something in your hand. It was a bottle of shaving cream. You cocked an eyebrow.  _

_ “Seriously, you hate Jordan. Wasn’t he the one who grabbed your ass in the lunch line? Jocks like that have everything way too easy for them. if you think about it, we’re just the underdog, finally standing up for all the luser kids he’s bullied. We’re doing a good deed”, Carol said ruffling your hair.  _

_ “Ugh, fine. Let’s go before I change my mind”, You groaned and Carol let out a happy sound.  _

 

_ The dressing rooms next to the gym smelled like rubber and sweat. You had never been inside the boys locker room, though. All of the basketball and football players kept their stuff there. Carol took a flashlight from her backpack and you clinged onto her arm.  _

_ “Jesus fucking christ, calm down dollface. There ain’t no one here”, Carol said. _

_ “Help me find his locker, just follow the smell of insignia”, She whispered and you took a breath, starting to scout the lockers.  _

_ “Here! But it’s locked”, You shouted and Carol walked up next to you.  _

_ “That’s not a problem”, She said and kneeled down, sticking something in the lock. Your heart was beating fast and you couldn’t help but stare at the darkness around you. It was just a locker room, dummy. Carol hummed “Eyes without a face” and after a while the lock clicked open.  _

_ Inside the locker were all the usual stuff, and a picture of a woman in a bikini taped on the inside. Carol pulled the rest of her stuff out of her bag.  _

_ “Just empty the whole bottle”, She said and you shook the bottle. _

_ “Just, in there?” You hesitated and Carol nodded, a dark smile rising on her face. She had a big plastic bag in her hand, and it smelled really familiar. You took a breath and started spraying the cream, covering all of the clothes and filling the shoes. Then Carol opened the bag and started sprinkling it’s insides in the locker. Now you could connect the smell. It was grass, regular cut grass.  _

_ “Won’t realize it was you, my ass! Carol you’re gonna get beat up”, You exclaimed, crossing your hands.  _

_ “Hush, there’s another bag there, take it out”, You narrowed your eyes but grabbed the bag. This one smelled like shit. So you were pretty sure it was shit.  _

_ “Seriously I-” You started but you were cut off.  _

_ “Is someone there?” You heard a voice from the gym hall. It was the janitor.  _

_ “Shit, shit!” Carol hissed, slamming the locker door shut. The bag of poop fell from your hands and Carol grabbed her backpack.  _

_ “Let’s go, run!” She said, pulling you by your hand. Shaving cream was dripping out from the locker and the animal feces spread along the floor. Carol pulled you so hard you almost fell before you could start running.  _

_ “You little fuckers, I know you’re there!” The janitor yelled and you heard loud steps and saw a big flash of light behind the lockers. Your purple tennis shoes stomped against the floors. Carol laughed, she always did when something dangerous was going on. You noticed that you were smiling like a fool too, but you sure as hell didn’t want to get caught.  _

_ “Climb up there, I’ll push you”, Carol yelled and you jumped onto the lunch table. You put your hands against the windowsill and jumped and felt Carol push your ass pretty forcefully. You almost flew out of the window and onto the muddy ground, your hair in a big mess. A few seconds later Carol climbed out of the window, landing onto her feet.  _

_ “Asshole”, You said and stuck out your tongue. Carol helped you up and started running again.  _

_ “He was almost there, I swear he had a rifle! The man’s crazy”, Carol yelled out of breath while the two of you ran up the parking lot and between the dumpsters. You had to stop and lean your hands against your thighs. You giggled when you realized you had dog shit on your hands. You lifted your gaze and Carol had a bunch of shaving cream stuck to her head. She laughed, too.  _

_ You tried to wipe the dog shit on her shirt but she dodged and instead slammed cream onto your hair.  _

_ “You’re an idiot, I told you it was a bad idea!” You laughed, wrapping your arms around her neck.  _

_ “Bad ideas make life just more exciting, dollface”, Carol said. _

  
  


“Now, do it, Robertson!” Suarez yelled. You clicked the lighter she had given you and lit the hard yarn. Then you ran like hell, until Carol opened a door next to you and without thinking about it, you threw the thing as far in the room as you could. Carol rammed the door shut, you hadn’t even seen who were inside. The two women grabbed both of your arms and dragged you, because apparently you couldn’t run fast enough. You had gotten to a different hallway when the pipe bomb went off. It was a dull, thundering crash. Not anything super big, but enough to attract plenty of attention. After a few seconds, the fire alarms started screaming. 

“Stop running, walk. Casually”, Carol hissed, slowing down. She tried to stop smiling, but you could see she was mentally jumping up and down with joy. You weren’t. You felt like puking. 

“Robertson, you come sit with me in the table. Suarez, you’re going for a nap in your bunk, you were there all the time”, Carol continued. 

“Of course I was, boss”, Suarez said innocently and took a right turn. You could hear your breath start shortening and rising up to a hyperventilation. 

“Take it easy, Robertson. Sit at the table and read something. Tomorrow they’re gonna ask all of us questions, but you know how to answer them, don’t you?” She said, stopping and turning to you. 

“And how is that?” You asked, your voice strained. 

“By saying that Ray has always been crazy and unstable”, Carol said matter-of factly. You didn’t answer. 

 

It was only fifteen minutes until the fire alarms stopped going off. The guards had rounded up every inmate to the common area. Ray wasn’t there. No one spoke anything, except in whispers. Carol smoked her cigarette as if this was just a normal routine. Your legs wouldn’t stop shaking. There were loud noises coming this way from the hallway. Screaming. You wanted to close your eyes but couldn’t. Three guards dragged Ray, small, skinny Ray. She was in a tight white shirt that tied her hands behind her back and her legs kicked the air. You couldn’t make out what she was saying. 

“I didn’t do it! I didn’t! Carol, Carol! Please tell them, tell them I didn’t do it! I promise”, Ray cried. Carol just took a drag from her cigarette, cold as ice. All of the Gangsters seemed unbothered. How could they, wasn’t Ray like their sister or something? Or was this just a sacrifice for the greater good? You couldn’t take your eyes off the crying girl, who was being strapped to a metal stretcher and pushed away to a place where no one came back from. 

“There  _ will _ be a serious investigation tomorrow, and I expect all of you to play along. Calls and visitations are cancelled today”, Irritated yells and sighs rose from the inmates, you included. 

“Quiet! No one is to leave this block, understood? No need to spread any crazy rumours. Now, scatter ladies”, The guard growled, crossing her arms. You sat down, pulling the sleeves of your overalls. The Gangsters gathered up around the table. 

“Party this evening at the laundry room!” Suarez quietly said and everyone got excited. Suarez patted you on your back. 

“You’re officially in, firebug. I’ll forgive you the whole guard episode, you’re a real one”, She said warmly and you managed to flash a tense smile. The only thought in your head was that you needed to get out of here. 

 

You pulled the sleeves of your overall so hard that they were sweaty lumps inside your palms. You didn’t feel like celebrating. You had no idea how long you had sat on the bench in the showers, curled up in a small ball. You felt like someone had tied a huge knot in your mind. The smoke swirled around in the heavy, wet air. Carol stood in the doorway, stepping in the shower area. You weren’t sure if your mind was playing tricks on you, but you felt like you saw the smoke forming two little horns on top of Carol’s head.

“We don’t have all evening Robertson, get your ass up”, She said, sticking the cigarette between her lips and tugged your shoulder. You shook your head, not standing up. You couldn’t get the look of Ray’s face away from your mind. She’d been terrified, and that was your fault. You’d just stood next to all the Gangsters, watching her get dragged away. Doing nothing. Shit, shit shit. You felt like air was stuck in your lungs. Like a steel ring had been tied around your chest, and it was getting tighter. Carol kneeled next to you, grabbing your face. 

“Hey, dumbass”, She said, shaking you a bit. Your large eyes stared at her a bit hysterical, and you saw her brows frown together. 

“It’s my fault, I got Ray sent away”, You let out. Carol rolled her eyes. 

“Very fucking wrong.  _ I _ got her sent away. You didn’t do horseshit”, Se stated. You snorted. 

“And c’mon, think about it. How long was it gonna be before she did something? Before she strangled her bunkmate because she thought she was a demon? Before she would’ve went apeshit on some guard? Believe me, I tried to keep the poor girl alive as long as I could”, She said, talking in a lower voice.

“Why?” You asked

“I don’t know, she fucking tickled me, or because she was a better person than most of the bitches around here. But she’d better off there, and we’re better off here”, Carol said. You knew this was what she always did. She would talk your ear off, until your thoughts would get all twisted up. Did any of this make sense at all?

“Besides, taking care of one wackjob at a time is more than enough”, She said, puffing out smoke and ruffled your hair that was sticking up from the moisture. 

“You calling me crazy, Denning?” You asked teasingly, pushing up her glasses that had started to slip. There was some red on her cheeks, but you weren’t sure if that was because of the warm air. 

“It depends” She answered, sliding her hand from your hair to your chin. 

“On what?” You asked, almost smiling now. You felt the cold ring around your chest to start easing up a little. 

“On what you’re gonna do about it”, She murmured and for a moment you were sure Carol’s eyes were full of the same intent as yours. You really wanted to kiss her. Hell, you wanted to do a lot more than just kissing. You wanted to push her glasses up and you wanted her to press you against the wet shower wall _ and. _ ..Carol let go of your chin and stood up.

“Don’t be long, Robertson”, She said and dumped her cigarette in the sink, before walking away. Oh jesus fucking christ. You took a deep breath, all the hairs on your arms standing up. After the doors shut behind her, everything went quiet, except the occasional dripping of water. Okay, you needed to think about this rationally. This was a perfectly natural feeling, wasn’t it? Of course it was. You were in an unpleasant, strange environment and felt unsafe. Of course you’d want to attach yourself to anyone familiar. Totally normal, healthy even, looking for comfort. No, you couldn’t call it healthy. It was annoying as hell. You had tried so hard for years to block certain parts of your past and most of all you had tried to block Carol away. But why? Were you scared? Ashamed? Probably both. Maybe it had just been too much, because you had felt such an urge to run away. Well it was meaningless now, because here you were, right back with her. But you would have to get yourself under control.This was so fucking embarrassing, you felt like a hormonal teenager. You groaned and pressed your eyes with the backs of your hands. Get it together, woman. You tried to think about all your friends back in Chicago, think about Lizzie, but everything seemed to be kind of blurred. Like Cool had already poisoned your brain, spreading over everything else. The Denning sisters had really fucked up your life, huh? You stood up and walked to the mirror. You ran your hands through your frizzy hair, tugging gently. 

“You need to get your shit together, you’re not gonna play any of her fucking games, got it?” You muttered to yourself. Your reflection didn’t look very convinced. 

“No more bombs, no more Gangster shit, you got it? Just..be normal. Work out, read magazines, avoid Carol”, You continued. That sounded like a ridiculous mantra. Work out, read magazines, avoid Carol, all the key points to a healthy life. You weren’t really fooling yourself. Deep down you knew that Carol wasn’t someone who could be avoided. She could goddamn well make herself known if she wanted. And you had the feeling that she was used to getting what she wanted. You just weren’t sure if the thing she wanted was you. In all cases, you should be careful, or had you just lost all your survival instinct? No, no, that wasn’t it. 

“Fucking idiot”, You whispered and wiped the mist off of the mirror. Your reflection had red cheeks and desperate eyes. Burn scar went all the way from your jaw down your neck. You didn’t even remember where it was from. 

 

When you got to the laundry room, everyone was partying already. Carol had probably given her dramatic speeches about winning the D-block shitheads, and so on and so on. Your clothes felt damp and you felt like shit. Still, when you stepped in, you were greeted with big smiles and pats on shoulders. Someone stuck a shampoo bottle in your hand. You looked at it, raising an eyebrow. Then you saw other inmates drinking from them and smelled the bottle. A stinging smell of alcohol with a side of strawberry shampoo hit your nose, but it made you feel better. Nothing to fix overthinking like booze. You tried to get close to the edge of the room, probably to blend yourself to the wall, but someone grabbed you by the shoulders. 

“No, no! You have to sit with us, of course”, Tipsy Suarez yelled, dragging you along to one of the corners. Wow, great work avoiding Carol and Gangsters’ shit. Suarez sat you down, or more like shoved you, down on one of the upside down turned laundry baskets. You pulled your hair back from your sweaty neck and took a swing from the shampoo bottle. You felt tears in your eyes. You liked to say you were pretty good at handling alcohol, but this was some otherwordly shit. Suarez snorted loudly and rubbed her shaved head. 

“Prison booze, destroys half of your brain cells in one sip”, She laughed and drank from your bottle. You coughed and nodded, wiping your eyes. Carol sat next to Suarez, Compton adoringly along her. She was fiddling with the collar of Carol’s overall. Instantly you felt your nerves twitch, but then you remembered what you had just promised to yourself. So you forced your eyes to look away and drank some more. And then some more. This stuff wasn’t half bad after all. Someone made a toast to Ray, and you all drank. Suarez made a toast to you, and you all drank again. Then a toast to Carol, a toast to C-block...Until you felt very dizzy and you weren’t sure how well you could walk if you decided to get up from the laundry basket. A rational voice in your head said that you should get the hell out of here. This was the exact opposite of careful. But it felt good not to be so scared and worried for the first time in weeks. People smiled at you, they liked you, and that felt nice too. You felt a little less lonely, and a lot more drunk. 

 

You weren’t sure how many hours went by, but little by little people started heading off to bed, or fell asleep in the corners. You were pretty surprised that Suarez walked to her bunk on her own, after snoring against Carol’s shoulder for fifteen minutes. At least she had repelled Compton away, you thought a little too happily. You sat on top of a washing machine. Your shampoo bottle was empty, and you had that unpleasant feeling in your stomach that told you that your “happy drunk” was coming down fast. You squeezed your eyes shut for a while. You felt someone climb up next to you. 

“What do you think the guards are thinking about all this shit? I’m sure they’re scared shitless in their little break room”, Carol said, throwing one arm around you. You sneered, very annoyed for some reason. 

“Why don’t you go ask your girlfriend, Denning?” You asked, trying to get the last drops from your bottle. She clicked her tongue.

“Oh, okay, you care to specify?” She said, raising an eyebrow. You cocked your head towards Compton. Carol lit up a cigarette, grinning. 

“Nah, she ain’t my girlfriend. I used to fuck her”, She said. 

“Yeah, I figured from the bitchy behaviour”, You stated, lifting the bottle again. 

“I mean, she was fun and all but way too clingy. And y’know she always screams super weird when she cums”, Carol said very matter-of-factly and you snorted in your bottle. Carol stuck the cigarette between her lips and for a moment you considered telling her all about Compton, but still that just felt petty and weak. No, you needed to deal with that yourself. 

“Well she clearly is living in hope, she basically shoved your hand down her shirt”, You said, you had to focus very hard to speak clearly. Carol looked way too smug, and you rolled your eyes. 

“I’m  _ not  _ jealous! I just think that she’s an annoying bitch”, You let out before you could really think about it. Damn you shampoo bottle alcohol. Carol hummed and took a drag from her cigarette. Well at least she was fucking happy. She had all the reasons to be, caused a shitstorm to the enemy block and got away with it without so much as a bruise on her knee. Everyone was ecstatic and Ray was probably tied to a bed somewhere in the psych ward. And of course you were the hero of the night, fucking hell. 

 

You clutched the bottle, feeling your cheeks go red and for some reason you felt like crying. You really couldn’t handle your booze anymore, huh? You started talking without paying mind to it. 

“Y’know, in chicago...I did these fire shows at this really crazy club. There were always people dressed up as whatever they wanted to be, like fantasy stuff. And there were balls, but not like prom balls, these were different”, You struggled to explain the underground club scene to a woman who had been in prison since she was seventeen years old. 

“Every inch of the place was filled with bright lights and glitter and sparkles and shit they loved me, because I did all kinds of dangerous stuff in my shows. And Carol, there they just loved each other, men kissed each other, women kissed each other...But underneath we were all really fucking scared all the time. Scared that when you got a flu, it wouldn’t be just a flu at all but the virus..And once you got it was over, y’know? I used to start crying every time I sneezed, even though I got tested and it was negative” You let out a wet laugh, and didn’t look at Carol, instead staring at your hands. Why the fuck were you babbling on about this? Great work keeping your distance, Robertson. 

“There was this kid, who came to see my shows every week. Every fucking week he stood there and watched me throw my flaming sticks up and down and blow fire from my mouth and he’d smile like he had seen the sun or something. And over time I had to watch him waste away, get skinnier and skinnier and weaker and his skin turned to like that old grey rubber”, You took a shaky breath. 

“It was like someone had put a cheap skeleton mask over his face, like the ones we used to have during halloween, remember? Except it wasn’t a mask, it was his face and then-”, You couldn’t finish the sentence. It got very quiet. You didn’t dare to lift your gaze. 

“C’mon, let’s get you to bed”, Carol said, and it sounded like something was stuffed down her throat. You weren’t sure what feeling she was pushing down, but she sounded the same she always had sounded when she came to school with a bruised cheek or a black eye. You didn’t say anything but you let her drag you up from your seat. Your feet felt like they were made from melting cheese. Carol hitched her arm around you and started walking probably trying to keep you looking as normal as possible. 

“Prison booze is strong”, You mumbled and you felt Carol let out a dry laugh. It felt good to have someone, her, so close to you. You realized you hadn’t hugged anyone in over a month. 

“Try to walk straight, will you?” Carol hissed, punching you with her elbow. 

“But I’m not straight”, You said, which probably sounded a lot more groggy than you thought it did. 

“I know, fucking dumbass”, Carol groaned but she sounded a lot more gentle than in a long time. You probably smiled but you couldn’t be sure because you didn’t really feel your face. 

Suarez was snoring in the top bunk, in a position that resembled a drunk starfish. Carol tried to shove you in to the lower bunk but bumped her head right on the corner of the bed. She let out a series of well thought, very vulgar curses. You managed to lay down, while Carol rubbed her forehead. She kneeled down next to your bed. Her glasses were crooked and the something warm and naive inside of you started to claw it’s way out to your heart from the box it had been locked in. You took a hairband from the nonexistent nightstand and tied your hair clumsily back.

“You used to have a shit ton of candles on your nightstand and they dripped wax fucking everywhere”, Carol said, a distant look on her face. 

“They looked pretty”, You mumbled, your eyes already half closed. 

“Almost burnt my fucking hair off”, She exclaimed and you snorted. 

“That’s your fault for wearing so much hairspray”, You said. 

“Carol?” You whispered, still not really opening your eyes. You heard an a sound telling you that she was still there. 

“Kiss me”, You whispered even more quiet.

“You would probably puke in my mouth. But I’ll remind you later that you asked, Robertson”, You heard Carol’s voice from far away. You frowned your brows. You realized on some level that you were going to regret this whole conversation in the morning, but right now you just really wanted this. 

“Don’t you want to? I’ll bet that I kiss better than Compton”, You sneered and heard a laugh. 

“Bet. You do know that I’m never fucking ever gonna let you forget this, right?”, She teased. You let out a disappointed voice and flashed her your middle finger. You started to turn your back on her, but then you felt a hand in your hair and a warm breath along your jaw. 

“Of fucking course I want, but I already told you how this is gonna work, Robertson. I’m not gonna do shit, until you decide to come and beg”, You felt her smile against your skin, and then she was gone. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew, chile! here we are again, it's been awhile. hopefully you enjoy this chapter too, and please do leave me a comment if you like my writing! I love reading about your reactions and thoughts xo   
>  I was too lazy to proof read it so sorry if there's some grammar mistakes, writing in english is a pain in the ass sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> The world (and gays) need more Carol so here you go you filthy animals!  
> This is a slow burn so please be patient


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